Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

[TravisRains]

Long time poster, changed names.

I am gonna keep this brief but try not to drip feed.

2 female partners - together 15 years

1 partner went through IUI to have a child. This was done as a single woman, other female not named on birth certificate. Reasons being, she did not meet criteria to be part of the fertility journey. very long boring story but ultimately it was her fault.

DS only has me on birth certificate. This comes to today. DS is 7 years old. Me and DP have split. No cheating, nothing like that, she just stopped giving any kind of attention/sex. We would argue all the time and I made the decision to end it.

I have the house. Now in receipt of Universal credit which tops up my full time wage a bit.

She is now sofa surfing at her brothers house and cant afford a mortgage. She is looking to get one with housing association.

However, she has very little points as despite having our DS 60/40 (I have majority) she has nothing linking her to being the other mother. She has asked about applying for parental responsibility or adoption for security as is terrified I will take him away (I wont).

Now she is asking me to transfer child benefit into her name so that the council can see she has some custody of a child and help her with her housing claim.

I don't want to do this but her family are pressuring me. I moved to a rural location with her years ago and have zero support network here.

What are the implications of putting the child benefit in her name to get her off my back. Or should I not? Could she then essentially take my UC claim away from me?

This is a messed up situation but please be kind. I am very fragile right now with a lot of stuff going on, bereavement etc and now this.

You ended it with her so why would you now get more involved in her desires, problems or life in any way? What her family wants is irrelevant. You don't need to even discuss it with them. Just block them.

You don't know how this could work against you in the future so I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole! Whatever the deal was during your time together should remain the deal after your time together.

I probably don’t understand it

but as far as I can tell you are the biological parent and no other parent named on the BC.

this partner has been in the child’s life 7yrs.

you may have a second partner you live with say for another 7yrs who is equally as unrelated biologically.

hypothetically, would the child then have to split their time equally between your 2 partners and you?as that partner would have same rights as first.

as you need benefits to top up salary you need the CB in your name.

I have sought some advice and been told that of she was to adopt him, it would relinquish all my parental rights. Furthermore, child benefit can not be transferred to someone who has no legal link to the child. I have a 30 minute free legal consult next week.

Why give up your child benefit that enables you to get a top up from UC? She has had seven years to adopt your child to formally be recognised as a parent. You can’t afford to lose any benefits just so she can try to get a place to live, your not together so it’s her problem not yours

Just say No.

btw why are you referring to her as DP in your title ?

typo I guess?

Don't do it. When we split due to my kids dad cheating, he asked me to let him claim 1 of the kids lived at his so he could get UC. I told him to do one.

How do you propose to handle custody if she has no legal rights to the child

@TravisRains

I'm not going to weigh in on UK law. But I will say to do absolutely nothing until you have received legal advice AND that you clearly understand all the implications of any action she is asking you to take on your income, on your child, on your life.

And I know you said you have no support where you are now. I'm rural and I know it can be more difficult to find social 'outlets, but it can be done. Finding friends & support of your own will lessen the pressure you may feel from her family. Remember "They're not the boss of you". If you have to cut contact with them to keep your own agency, do so.

Calm down 🙄

She has come out of this relationship with nothing. She has no rights over the child, no house. Doesn't sesm very fair to me. Maybe you need mitigation to sort this out.

Absolutely insane to even entertain this thought. She is using your kid to leverage a house with money that is for your kid.

Don't transfer the child benefit. Do not do it.

@TravisRains No, I wouldn’t make any changes regarding your child and current legal status. I’ll be blunt…you may right now be in an amicable position with your ex partner, but have you considered what would happen if that changed? You would be unnecessarily attached to her for the next 11ish years.

Leave well enough alone and let her figure out her own finances.

Although you and your partner were a couple at the time of fertility treatment, she wasn't actually part of the process. However, she has presumably helped you raise your son, and treated him as her biological son? Don't allow your ex partner to claim CB. You are his Mum and primary carer. Legally you can do as you wish, because he's your son and she has no parental responsibility. Morally, that's different, she is his Mum too, regardless if she's on the BC or not, so you should try to co-parent. Don't allow yourself to be pressured by your exes family, they don't have yours or your son's interests at heart. Most likely they just want your ex off their sofas and out of their hair.

I wouldn’t transfer the CB to her, you are the resident parent so it should go to you. That said, I think she should have PR for the child and the pair of you should have sorted that already. She’s been involved with the child in a parental role since its birth and the best thing for the child is to have a good relationship and access/contact with both parents.

You weren’t married but IMO it’s in the child’s best interests for both parents to have suitable living accommodation such that the child can live comfortably with both. With that in mind, if you are in a position to help her find suitable housing that would be ideal.

I wondered if this is the case. Does your ex and her family have form for trying to take advantage of you??

Yes she could take the UC, I'm pretty sure to get UC for a child you need to be claiming child benefit.
I would look at applying to the family court for her and the child to feel they have stability in their relationship. You will still be the resident parent, unless something was to come up in the court application to say that wasn't safe, so you would continue to be the one to receive the benefits.
Some councils won't allocate a bedroom for a child who isn't with the parent full time. I worked with a father who could only be housed in a 1 bed flat despite having his 3 children stay over at the weekend, so her getting PR may not be any use for her with housing.

This.
She could have looked into adoption while you were a couple.
She could have proposed marriage or civil partnership.
What has she actually done for the last seven years to secure her future relationship with the DC?
She has left it all to you and put her head in the sand.

Don't do anything about a court order for contact without legal advice. She has to be the one who does the work for this.

And definitely DON'T do anything financial - her finances are nothing to do with you as you are no longer a couple.

To say again, OP's ex cannot get PR. It doesn't matter how much she has been involved. It simply isn't possible and there is no way OP could have sorted it out. The law is clear that she can only get PR if she is the child's legal parent, or she is married to or in a civil partnership with OP. Neither of these things is true, nor have they ever been true, so the only way she could get PR is by adopting the child.

Don't do it. You need that money for your child.

IANAL and you always give excellent advice, @prh47bridge, but what about FC v MC 2021? FC was not on the birth certificate, she was never married or in a civil partnership with MC but was granted PR and a joint lives with/shared care order.

Is this not a similar situation? The child spends 40% of the time living with the ex, she clearly has a parent-child relationship with the DC.

That is a genuine question, not sarcasm!

Yes that's right - in cases where a married/Civil Partnership couple want to make the non-biological-parent partner be a legal parent, they BOTH have to apply for adoption as a couple, and the biological parent has to become an adoptive parent too, because the adoption order breaks any previous parent-child bond. So you would have to jointly apply for an adoption order, which I do not think is wise given that you aren't a couple any more.

Sending hugs 🫂 Travis and yes, as others have said, don’t do it. When in a hole, stop digging. In your place I would seriously be considering moving back to somewhere where I had a support network. Good luck