to ask what you think of this incident with DH?

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

There's context,obviously, but I'm curious about whether I'm misreading things.

A week ago the weather warms up and DH says it'd be good to get Crocs for the kids, and says he'll order them. They arrive today and it turns out he ordered (knowingly) Crocs which are fleece lined, ie hot. He shows them to me and asks me what I think, I say that they aren't suitable for summer. He says, "I wish I could ever bloody do anything right in this marriage", and stomps off.

Fleece lined Crocs: https://www.crocs.co.uk/p/classic-fleece-lined-clog/211396.html

AIBU?

Depends how you said it and whether you are a serial criticiser

Gawd almighty, why are men such idiots!!
Obviously this is your fault OP! Why did you have to point out the bleeding obvious to him? Couldn't you just have said, yes those fur lined crocs will be so cosy and perfect for paddling on the beach and given him a little sticker or something?!

Yes it is dispiriting I imagine, but if it keeps happening over very similar sorts of issues, then surely the answer is staring you in the face?

If your DH has never mentioned that he doesn't like strawberry and only eats lemon, then you'd be right to feel dispirited. You aren't a mind reader. But if it's been mentioned on numerous occasions and you still keep 'forgetting' and buying him strawberry then I can see why he'd be a irritated by it. It's not anger so much as just bewilderment and frustration. You feel like 'does anyone ever actually listen to anything I say at all?'

Things like this get pretty dispiriting for the person on the other end as well. Sometimes exasperation gets the better of us. It's a mystery why some things that should involve very straightforward and non-complicated problem solving can be made such an utter hash of by someone who seems incapable of applying any common sense to the task.

A classic example is people who keep overstuffing the bin bag until it's impossible to remove it from the bin without it splitting and the contents going all over the floor. No matter how many times it happens, clearly they feel that removing the bag before it's over-compacted is harder work than clearing up four day old raw chicken juice and baked beans from the floor.

People who can't seem to grasp the basic rules of recycling. You can't just chuck it all in if it's still contaminated with food. Make a judgement call. Where cardboard and paper is concerned, if it's clean and dry, recycle it. If it's greasy and contaminated, don't. Where plastic is concerned, if it's fairly simple to rinse or wash it first, then DO. If you think it takes more hot water and scrubbing effort than it warrants, then don't. But don't act like a moron and pretend not to understand the difference. It's not like it hasn't been explained to you enough times.

People who open packets of ham, bread or biscuits and then chuck them in the fridge or cupboard without bothering to re-seal the packet then they wonder why they are all stale/soggy or shrivelled/dry two days later and complain that there's nothing to eat.

People who hang their wet towel over the top of someone else's dry towel. News flash matey, your wet towel will NOT get dry like that. All that will happen is that you will make the dry towel damp. And yet when this is pointed out for the tenth time they act like they deserve a medal for hanging the towel up at all and you are just ungrateful that they performed this arduous task.

Stupid things like opening new jars/bottles/packets of things without checking in the fridge/cupboard to see if there is already one open first, so we have two lots of something open which takes ages to use up at the best of times.

Having two cartons of milk open, then deciding the pour the remains of the milk which expires today into the carton of milk which still has six days on it, because you think you are saving space and being efficient, when actually you are being a numbskull.

Cleaning up after dinner by filling casserole dishes and roasting pans with water 'to soak' but not bothering to scrape the remains out first. So the following day you have 3 pints of cold, lumpy, greasy slurry that's too chunky to pour down the sink and too watery to put in the bin and is so revolting that no-one knows what to do with it for the best. And you wonder why the kitchen sink keeps getting blocked.

Not listening when told that very thin wine glasses will break if you keep loading them into the dishwasher in that certain way you keep doing. Then wondering why we only have three left from a set of eight.

Continuing to ball your dirty socks up into pairs because 'it helps keep them together so they don't get mixed up' even though I keep telling you that they need to be unballed to put them through the washing machine anyway.

If we shout and get snappy occasionally it's because we are fucking exhausted with it all. Honestly, we tried asking nicely the first ten times. It went in one ear and out the other. People only seem to notice what you say once you get mad, and act all wounded like it's the very first time they've heard it.

Ok, but my father uses the same line and it is indeed that he can never do anything right. My hyper critical mum finds fault in everything not done exactly the way she would have done it. As a teenager, I could spend hours doing housework for her but she always immediately jumped on what I had missed or not done perfectly. Dad does all the cooking but if he doesn’t clean up to her standards (perfectly) she gets in a huff about it. He does the housework but she’ll find the corner he hasn’t hoovered and get it back out, loudly clattering about. There is absolutely no need for it.

My DH did this sort of thing frequently. His last slip up was booking a hotel at Heathrow when we were flying from Gatwick. He also ordered the wrong size curtains for our living room.

I learned to laugh at his ways and to also have nothing to do with sorting them out.

Yes, ridiculous.
What an idiot.
Ask him if he has purchased the kids summer ski jackets yet?

Saying that fleece-lined shoes aren't suitable for summer is not a criticism in itself. I'd be fucked off that he took this job and deliberately chose this - I'd want to know his reasoning as there may be some way it made sense to him?

Everyone saying 'he made a mistake' - I can't see what the mistake actually was, iyswim. He got what he ordered deliberately - was his mistake thinking that 'fleece' wouldn't be hot? That hot shoes in summer doesn't matter?

He's not exactly mature if you can't point this out without him stomping off. How do you have a relationship with someone like that?

The problem is, I don’t feel I can rely on him because he does things badly, a lot.

This is the key here.
Does he do things badly, a lot, in his job? Or does that actually matter to him?

My DH has a different skill set than me and often doesn't do jobs when/in the same way I'd want him to. Some of it has been sorted with conversations - others I just accept that we'll divide up the jobs accordingly. It's pretty much 50/50 (except for a whole load of admin which seems to fall to me, but I've accepted that).

Are there ways you could divide up the jobs playing to your strengths, or is his 'blind spot' extending into 'pretty much everything to do with running a home'?

Strangely enough Op my DH also said recently the kids need new crocs for summer which I agreed with. He also picked up the fleece lined ones - luckily we were in the shop so I could intervene! I looked at him like he’d lost his mind and he went what? These look nice and comfy? I had to explain to him that yeah they might be comfy but they’re also FLEECE LINED. My DH is absolutely amazing in many ways but I’m going to add buying summer shoes for the kids to the list of things he needs to work on.

It sounds to me like he knew he'd fucked up and had his stroppy response ready. Gaslighting at its finest.

Its not your fault that he has absolutely no common sense.

Why aren't fleece lined crocs good for the summer? It's what my kids prefer to wear in the summer months rather than the other types.

Do you find fault in everything he does? I find most women who post stuff like this on Mumsnet usually do find fault with every little thing their OH does.
I think it probably runs deeper than a pair of crocs tbh!

I am also married to this type of man. I sometimes wonder if the incompetence is deliberate to reinforce me doing everything!

YANBU in this case, he appears to be sorting out his mistake and you say you can afford it, so let him deal with it. My issue is we can’t afford it so when he does silly things, particularly has a habit of not checking receipts if he buys something, we don’t have money for other things.

Try not to be drawn into it (from someone who is always drawn into it!)

This is the sort of thing I might do. Probably dh too. It wouldn't be any sort of 'incident' though. One of us would say "What a numpty" and it would be over. People make mistakes.

In my house, he’d have got a raised eyebrow from me and “they’ll go great with the fleece lined joggers and fleece lined jacket I’m just about to order for the particularly hot days!” 😆 tell him to stop being a petulant child and send them back for the right ones 🙄

Do you criticise every post on MN?
Or would you say that it's ludicrous to take one example and assume it happens every time?

Nailed it!! Love it!!

It sounds like he was being unreasonable, but we need context I suppose.

DH doesn't often do the laundry, but when he did he tends to do it all at once with little regard for if we have space to dry it. Last time I did this I'll admit I came in not angry, but fussing a bit about where it would all go and he did point out that he could deal with this and he had done something helpful. And he was right and I realised I was being a bit unfair.

But I'd certainly have felt less sympathetic if he'd hissed at me that he 'couldn't do anything right'.

I would have said to him ‘did you mean to buy ones lined with fleece?’ which would have given him the opportunity to at least admit he fucked up. A normal person would have just said ‘OMG no I didn’t’ and you would both have laughed about it and made arrangements to send them back. But you’ve said he did it knowingly. Are you saying that because he said he meant to do that? You know how some people people would rather claim they meant to do something stupid rather than admit they made a mistake? But if that’s the case what was his justification for this? Did he possibly think the fleece was removable? My nieces have crocs but they also have separate fleece liners for them for winter.
I need to know what his justification was if, as you say, he ‘meant’ to do this.
He needs to grow up and own his mistake.
If ineptitude like this is a pattern then I’d be wondering if it’s a form of weaponised incompetence ie if I do everything so uselessly, she’ll have no expectations of me and I’ll be able to do exactly as I like and not be expected to contribute to family life.

Obviously he’s being unreasonable and sulky. But clearly there’s an undertone of he’s not competent/efficient in some areas of home life and you’re exasperated by it. I imagine he’s aware of how you feel towards him which has led to his tantrum. If you want to work on this, then look for ways to build the mutual respect back up. Sit down and plan out who is responsible for what, playing to each of your strengths. Does your husband actually want to buy their shoes?
My husband wouldn’t know where to start with kids clothes and shoes (buying, packing, outfit planning etc), but I don’t expect him to do it, I quite like doing it and I’m good at it. He’s the meal planner and cook - he knows what we need, buys it, ensures we all have good meals. I would not do that job well.

Well what is the right weather fur fleece lined crocs? They seem like a v strange concept to me! He probably thought they looked comfy! Which they do!

(They'll b fine for most UK summer days to be honest. In fact, probably wise for most of our summer days which are not as high as we'd like! Just can't swim or paddle with them)

@BabyLammits
🤣
that was a very thorough list and I enjoyed reading it! You have a talent for describing the drudgery of housework. I will add - using metal forks on non stick pans and, after a walk, leaving the bag of dog poo by the front door because our bins are kept out the back.
I would say with the sorbet it was down to my categories being too broad. I thought it was simple like he likes sorbet and I like icecream, but he likes a particular type of sorbet whereas I would happily eat any random flavour of icecream, even something I’ve never heard of. You live and learn.

Incompetence is a big BIG turn off, YANBU op, there's only so much you can take.

Was he trying to give you the job of ordering Crocs when it was his idea? That is unreasonable. It's not your fault he did a rubbish job of it either from genuine incompetence, laziness or annoyance that you wouldn't do it. I assume him flouncing off is him announcing you'll have to go to the trouble of sending them back and re-ordering suitable shoes. What has buying his kids shoes fit for the season (or of any use) got to do with the marriage? Surely it's more to do with his parenting of the children?