Should I be happy?

[Cnf1]

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

I'm a fair person so I can see how it's only fair that I'm doing the clean up/ dinner/ hoovering/ mopping at the end of the day

There is no rule to say you must do that. The only reason other women are doing all that while also looking after a baby is because they have no choice. You do. You do not have to do so much.

@ScrollingLeaves is spot on. You don't have to do it.

I have to do it because I can't afford help. And because I have to do it, my husband also has to do it despite the fact that he technically works more hours than me.

Your husband is choosing not to do it; he has lots of cash so you can choose to hire in help to do it.

See the difference?

The cleaner could come every morning and be more like a housekeeper.

My husband keeps saying, as all of you do, "let's just get a cleaner more often". Cleaners are great in terms of cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets etc. They are not there to cook and clean up after dinner, hoover and mop after every meal dd has, stack the dishwasher, wash and put away clothes, bring out the rubbish, put away toys that have been used and discarded after a few minutes etc.
On the easiest of days I'm looking at getting my baby down by 9. Then it's down to cleaning up after dinner and all the above-mentioned chores. I'm in bed by 11 if lucky and then it's bf-ing through the night. It's mind-numbingly dull and exhausting.

If you were working surely you would have even more of this to do in the evenings

My DH is a high earner and I'm between careers. I left one career (teaching funnily enough) and now I'm looking for another. I'm not working much at the moment. My child is in school.

I feel guilty spending any money because I haven't directly earned it, despite us being married and it being 'our money'. I get told constantly that I'm so lucky I am in the position to not work, and pretty much do whatever I like. I could choose any career and get paid help if I need it.
The problem I have is I feel like I don't deserve to be in this position. I haven't earned the privilege. I drive a car that I would never be able to afford on a teacher's wage. My husband has made it all possible. I'm living a life I haven't built. My husband has built it. I feel guilty for it.

Guilt is a cruel emotion. Yes, on paper you should be happy, but I just wonder whether we're on the same wavelength and there's something deeper going on here. Obviously I don't want to feel guilty. I want to enjoy my amazing life. Hence guilt is cruel and follows you around everywhere you go.

I personally don't find it easy being in the shadow of a very successful husband. I've always been a very high achiever, an academic and seeing my husband's success while I've been busy looking after our daughter and keeping up with laundry has hurt my pride a little bit.

Yet if I did choose a new career and work full time, I'd feel guilty I wasn't there for my daughter enough. I can't win.

Cry me a river, poor little rich girl, kept woman blah blah blah. Ignore all that. Having plenty of money doesn't automatically press a switch labelled 'happiness'. Money certainly paves the way for a happier life, but then all these 'shoulds' get thrown on us and we're expected to be the happiest people alive and that can create its own mental challenges because it just doesn't work that way.

Please stop whining. You have millions of pounds and multiple successful life options and seem to be taking up other mother’s time and energy because you aren’t enjoying following through with your own personal definition of perfect parenting. You’re an emotional vampire.

@Cnf1 but if you worked you would need to still cook & clean up dinner, Hoover, mops floors etc.

I or my husband do this every single day and yes quite often we resent it and it's full but it's what 99% of people do; cooking for 3 and cleaning up afterwards is not a massive job.

*dull. Not full.

Surely with that salary you don't need to worry if you working causes a deficit? And surely you can afford to buy in cleaning, laundry and whatever else is needed to facilitate you? If you barely see your husband then you need to have some compensation for the compromise and you have so much surplus income there, you can well afford to fund it.

No one has to do it all though if they can afford help. It is good to get help. It is not somehow wrong.

this is the life that many of us have without the luxury of a huge household income that means you can buy in as much help as you want.

Im the higher earner but my husband works crazy hours, we have a 6 month old. I don’t have the option of not going back to work at the end of my mat leave. I also do 90% of the household chores.

I don’t really understand what you want the solution to be?

That's the issue. It's always me because he's too busy or not in the country. When we earned equally chores were an equal responsibility. He loves his job and I love mine but because he earns more, I've now become the housekeeper and childminder. The alternative would be hiring people to do both but having gone out for the day to work, knowing that you're coming home poorer for the effort, I'd then have to do the evening clean, bedtime routine etc. despite having had staff all day.

You’re a proper whinge bag. You’re not doing anything the rest of us with young families don’t have to do. Only you have the privilege of having no money worries.

Give yourself a wobble. Sort it out if you’re not happy, you’re lucky enough to have the choice.

I can’t believe you’ve even made this post.

I sometimes think mumsnet has become only for the rich. It does not cater to normal families anymore.

Eat earlier, put baby to bed earlier, there's no way I'm cleaning up that late at night, but remember this stage passes quickly - and also watch first season of white lotus

Can you not get your H to pay for a nanny and a cleaner out of his income, as it's much higher than yours? Then you could keep your wages. Some people would be ok as a SAHM but it doesn't sound like you are, so make a plan to not be one.

Thats not the issue, its the late night crumbs

Oh they will. Pay them and they will come is what you will find out.

However, this isn’t about the cleaning and I am feeling guilty for only seeing the superficial.

It seems like you are very lonely and sad as you have essentially been work widowed. And that must be feeling desperately unfair. No amount of money can change that.

A little childcare will help you get out there and see some joy, but I feel it would be advisable for you go back to work within 18 months at the most.

Maybe part-time at first, but you have to have your own career. Save every penny of that money you earn into your own accounts and max your pension.

Also, make sure your husband has his own pension and you have wise JOINT investments. If you don’t have a financial adviser get one, your DH can max your ISAs for you. And an ISA in your child’s name obvs.

He needs a Will aswell. Money comes and goes as quickly as rich husbands do - so take control.

I feel so sad at the thought of you having to make all decisions on your own for doing up a big house. Maybe hire a stylist to talk things through with if you don’t have close friends to do it with. But you need someone to bounce ideas off of to get excited about it.

And get some weekends planned in with the girls. Get a babysitter and have some fun. Visit theme parks with kids and mum friends, stay a night and eat pizza. Only look after your own dinner for once.

And honestly, best of luck. Get some help and make sure you have your own life. Xx

Would love to know what he does that allowed him to go from earning the same as a teacher to 500k per annum

Sounds like you’re making your life harder than it needs to be. I’m guessing your baby is at least 6 months old if they’re eating meals. Get them into a proper routine 7pm-7am. Hire a sleep consultant so you’re not attached to baby at night and they can help with a solid, predictable routine. You’ll have evenings to yourself to unwind, decent nights sleep/rest and I think you’ll begin to enjoy your life more and see what a fortunate position you are in. Regardless of whether your husbands working constantly or not, being with a baby literally 24/7 with no downtime in the evening or solid sleep at night is very tough. Fix that first and then see how you feel about other issues.

Ironing is unnecessary for most modern clothes (and in any case you could afford a few extra hours of cleaner time if you needed this done). No house needs daily hoovering and mopping. Dinner can be as big or a small a chore as you make it, especially in your income bracket - buy posh healthy ready meals from a local deli, get delivery a few times a week, learn how to make simple quick dinners (Rukmini Iyer recipes are good for this). Dishwashers do the dishes. Clothes need only be washed when unclean. With a cleaner 6 hours a week and the means to pay for more household help you don’t need to feel like a skivvy OP. You are making unnecessary work for yourself.

Even if you don’t want to go back to work until your child is bigger (and it sounds like you don’t need to), you could take steps to feel happier and spend some time in ways that make you feel more like you. Get a regular babysitter or put her in crèche a few times a week, and do something with other adults (volunteering/ exercise/hobby/ time with friends). If you are staying at home for a few more years and don’t have other SAHM friends, go to more baby/toddler activities and make an effort to find a few.

I work full time in ‘big’ job, co parent 50:50, do every single piece of domestic work in my (admittedly small) house and cook a lot of nice meals every week and somehow manage to not feel like a skivvy. While I don’t have a cleaner I do use some of the big job money to grease the wheels a bit with nice food and activities and holidays, and even manage to have a little time for hobbies and exercise and friends. I say this not to sound superior, but to show it is doable if you are tactical about your time and spending to set your life up in the way that makes you happiest. Money isn’t everything, but it gives you choices and you will feel better if you start making some active choices that benefit you (and my extension your husband and child).

Lots of people I know have housekeepers who come in each morning and do all the things you're describing - there's definitely cleaners/housekeepers who will happily do the tasks you want doing on a daily basis

Yeah but if you still earned equally you’d have had to back to work and your child would (according to you) be damaged and depressed. Silver linings and all that

Sadly, I don’t think YABU not being happy in this situation. Your husband spending time with you really shouldn’t be this far down the list. You don’t even sound like you enjoy the money- so what’s the point of it all? £500k, he could give it all up now and live a comfortable life in a far less demanding job. If he works every hour god sends is there even any ‘relationship’ left. This would not do for me and I would be miserable.

Work wise, does it need to be teaching if you’re worried about the stresses and strains of that role? If money really isn’t an object, could you take a job doing something else less taxing for a few years part time? Even if your entire wage goes on childcare, what difference does it make?

The ‘baby’ is 18 months old