Should I be happy?

[Cnf1]

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

And yes, you can be lonely and unhappy with lots of money. You don't have to be happy. You can't make yourself content with a life where money has been substituted for a partner.

OP,

You sound like a perfectionist, in all aspects of your life.

It seems you want to be the perfect parent, perfect housemaid and perfect wife as well as having a perfect career being perfect at it alongside everything else. It seeems you can't seem to figure out how to juggle it all, so the thoughts consume you.

In the kindest tone, it's a little martyr-ish.

The only person who cares about all the perfect is you. I promise you, no one else cares. Not your husband, not a childminder, nor your DD.

It's ok to lower your standards and not have everything perfect.

It's ok to wear designer, it's ok to wear primark, it's ok to drive a Yaris, it's also ok to drive a Porsche. It's ok to work full time and have loads of help, it's also ok to not work and still have loads of help.

It's ok to not work and still source childcare a few days a week to have adult relationships, or do things for adults.

You don't need permission to lose a bit of perfection.

I always saw having children as a huge responsibility as in, if you're not willing to do anything and everything to make sure they're not just a narcissistic whim, then you have no business having them.

This is the bit you need to talk about in therapy. Who has told you that having children is a "narcissistic whim" unless you are sacrificing all your own wants and needs for them?

Being a parent isn't just about serving your child, it's about setting them an example of the life you want them to live. Do you want your daughter in 30 years' time to be posting her about how her mum sacrificed her own happiness to give her a a perfect childhood, but is she being unreasonable to want more than pairing socks and skivvying?

Or would you like your daughter to see her mum setting an example of having a fulfilling career that she loves, and balancing that with a happy, loving family life?

Obviously it's not as black and white as that, but you don't have to give up everything that brings you happiness and fulfillment - a middle way is possible.

I understand what everyone is saying, but considering I am in the childcare/education scene, I'm more than aware of the detrimental effects of outsourcing childcare. Childhood depression is at an all-time high and experts seem to believe that it's because small children aren't equipped emotionally to deal with being thrust into social situations without a parent around. That is why I would find it particularly difficult to leave her when I actually have the choice. The studies show that a child who has one consistent caregiver in their first 3 years is more likely to be emotionally stable. I don't want to deny her that. It's a privileged conundrum.

Your husband doesn't work 18 hour days for the fun of it, he does it to earn lots of money. What is the point in him working all those hours if you aren't going to use some of the money he earns to make your life easier and happier?

Oh come on now.

It's only meagre by comparison so working has now become a vanity project. It used to be half our income and I was very proud of that.

I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

Nobody earns too much to clear their own dinner plate. That's just basic manners - and nobody earns too much to abandon them either.

When DH had an opportunity for 2/3's amount he paid for a cleaner and some nursery sessions to cover the things that he should have been doing.

Sort out the balance at home and then decide if you want to go back to teaching or something else.

It's true, unfortunately. Research it.

Takes more than money to provide a nice life for family.

I agree completely.

It’s just excuse after excuse. Are you just happy being unhappy?

You mentioned that you attend therapy.

I'd strongly advise you to work with your therapist on understanding your core beliefs, why and how to overcome them.

Good luck OP

I agree that consistency is key here, but a couple of mornings a week at a childminder is really going to help everyone. Because also… kids who aren’t looked after anyone else but an unhappy mother, really aren’t that happy themselves.

Start small.
Get a cleaner.
One you are revelling in the joy that brings… get a small amount of childcare… then drink a coffee on your own or lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling on a nice clean carpet in a nice clean house…

Before you know it you have booked a regular exercise class maybe making new friends and oh.. I dunno - a massage, a facial - some self care.

I am sounding flippant of course, but you will be more happy when you are doing things that make you happy. Put your oxygen mask on first, then you’ll have so much more fun with your baby.

You don’t want to go back before she’s 3. You don’t have to, but you do have to find some joy in this situation. And you aren’t going to find that by cleaning your own loo.

…your research seem strangely to completely confirm your bias about staying at home breastfeeding your lonely, anxious toddler. Get yourself some life before you curl up and vanish and actually damage your kid. All abuse isn’t neglect.

I just read that you have a cleaner, and now have a bigger house.

That house is going to need some decorating and sorting out with plenty of things to organise.

It can be fun, but not alone. So you really will have to get some childcare and spend some time free with more adults, so the plate clearing etc feels less of a depressing chore.

Relentless drudgery clearly isn’t working for you. Who knew that would happen?

Oh and btw, just in case this new house feels a little empty. Don’t get a dog.

I think THIS is the real issue. He’s not so busy that he can’t take his plate from the table and put it in the dishwasher. That’s a one minute job.

the reason you are seething about the situation is that fundamentally he is acting like he is too important to do even the most trivial menial task and just expects you to do it for him. You need to talk to him about this. This is just basic disrespect for you. If you don’t address the real issue, the resentment will kill your relationship.

it is one thing for you to be responsible for managing the house/housework/childcare, it’s a completely different thing that he thinks he is too good to put his own plates in the dishwasher and expects that you will do it for him.

getting a cook, cleaner, childminder, gardener, whatever will not solve this problem. You need to sit him down and tell him that he is lacking basic respect for you. This is why you feel like a skivvy.

My DH used to have a highly paid job where he worked a lot and was away a lot. Yes, I resented him for not doing his fair share at home, but he did not expect me to do even the most basic tasks for him. He still contributed to the family, cooking and cleaning the kitchen, taking the kids to daycare, etc. He is just now starting a new very highly paid job where he will be working and travelling a lot. I do expect a lot of what he has been doing to fall to me again but I won’t be clearing his dishes for him. My DH can’t do the laundry if he’s in another country, so of course I will have to do it. But when he is here, he will cook a couple of times a week, and clean the kitchen up afterwards. He can put a load in the washing machine and turn it on then put it in the dryer when it’s done. That is 10 minutes of effort total. He will also take the kids to school if he is not leaving for the office at 7am.

Your DH is taking the piss, that’s why you feel this way. Please have the conversation and come and tell us how it went. If you just get excuses why he can’t do anything, then you know he is taking the piss. If he agrees to do more and actually does it, then your marriage might be ok.

You need staff.

So you're about to be in a bigger house - use one room as an office, and fo some tutoring while you have a nanny there - that way, you're on hand if anything major happens,but you'll also be helping others. And while you don't want yo just abandon your child to someone else, it's no bad thing for them to have others involved in their care.

This is mental. You could spend most days with your kid, doing lovely things, send them to a childminder maybe 2 days per week and work for those 2 days. But you're hand wringing on mumsnet?

Totally bonkers. Money = options.

Your £3k christening outfit is more than 2 of my single mum friends earn per month put together. Totally, totally bonkers.

Thank you. I think you've nailed it. We come from very different backgrounds and he's very used to his mum dancing attendance on everyone to the point of kneeling on the ground to put his father's socks on. Over the years I used to make a point of saying that I could never be like his mum - a very contented, unappreciated housewife. Now I've somehow become that by accident of fortune. I'm a fair person so I can see how it's only fair that I'm doing the clean up/ dinner/ hoovering/ mopping at the end of the day after spending an hour trying to get her down because he's still up to his eyeballs. No cleaner is going to show up at 8 in the evening so it's not about outsourcing. It's about making our home work. I just hate that this is what it is.

I've read all your posts OP and still don't understand the problem. If you don't want to do all the housework then get a cleaner! You want your DD to not have to be in childcare and think it's better for her welfare to be looked after by you for the first three years, so that's what you do- three years is no time you can go back to work when she starts nursery or school! You can choose to work part time so you can be there for DD after school as she gets older.

Not hand-wringing, just wondering if I should feel happier than I do. I'm quickly learning that money isn't everything.

Look, you’ve been your child’s sole caregiver since birth, and you still say she’s ‘anxious’…? It just seems as if you’re pulling up a series of increasingly unconvincing excuses to prevent you from doing what you want and which would make you happy. So don’t return to work, don’t hire a housekeeper, don’t outsource your ironing — stay a SAHM indefinitely. Be unhappy. But don’t delude yourself thst you didn’t choose it.