Excellent idea. They always love a good sex scandal.
Paedophile pervert's pitch to parent
'I'll do you over desk in circle time'
Mother of three Sophie Wellard got more than she bargained for when she went for a quiet drink at Hello Kitty's on Mouse Street one Wednesday vening last month.
Feeling an eerie presence behind her at the bar, she turned round to find herself face-to-face with Mike Todger, a teacher from her kids' former school.
'I've had my eye on you for years,' slobbered Todger, who was swaying on his feet and reeked of ale. 'Come to school next Tuesday at 2pm, when we have circle time. I can't wait to do all the things I've wanted to do to you since I first set eyes on you at parents' evening. You have no idea.'
The misunderstood MILF was struck dumb. 'It's not how teachers are supposed to behave,' she told Town Times. 'I said to him: "You're right. I have no idea. I've led a sheltered life. But you are in the wrong and I am always right."'
Her friend Primrose Pathe, Sophie's companion for the girls' night out, agreed.
'You're a pervert, child abuser and sheep shagger. Being drunk is no excuse,' she shouted at Todger, 37 years old.
What happened next shows that wokery has gone too far. Primrose dragged the panting pervert to the gents toilet and washed his mouth out with soap. Another punter, who was using the urinal at the time, wedged Primrose into a corner, telling her: 'F*ck off, flossie. You've no business doing your business in the blokes' bog.'
'I'm flabbergasted,' continued Sophie. 'All I wanted was a few white whines with Primrose. Now I find myself a one-woman warrior for upholding standards in the global teaching profession.
'I reported Todger to the school as stage one of my Tassr Todger campaign and they laughed in my face. They refused to do anything about my complaint. It's just not good enough. Following this incident, what I know about trauma isn't worth knowing.'
Wellard continued: 'The head teacher and chair of governors said to me in unison when I bumped into them in Ann Summers on Goody Goody Friday: "If the shit's not on our doorstep, we ain't shovellin' it up."'
Tenacious Wellard is now embarking on the second phase of her Taser Todger campaign, which aims to have the pervert prof added to the Teaching Regulation Agency's list of people prohibited from ever teaching again. 'Like a dog, prohibition isn't just for Christmas. It's for life. And quite right too,' she says.
According to Wellard, there are teachers like Todger in every classroom in Christendom. 'I'm making it my life's work to smoke them out of their holes, every last one of them. If I live to be 115, bringing moral rectitude to classrooms will be the last thing I do. No-one who wants to work with children should be having sexual fantasies.'
Commenting on the latter-day Mary Whitehouse, famous in the 1970s and 1980s for her anti-filth crusades, a spokesperson for the National Education Union, said: 'Our new partnership with Astra Zeneca will ensure teachers have the medication they need to expunge any sexual thoughts from their minds. Nothing could be more important than saving the teaching profession for future generations. The survival of the planet depends on it.'
Town Times contacted Hello Kitty to ask if Wellard had reported the incident. Manager Freddy Fowey told us: 'There nothing in the incident book. Nothing ever happens here, except a few chaps getting handsie. But it is a watering whole after all. It's what you expect.
'The cleaner did say she'd found a pile of porcelain shards in one of the urinals the morning after the alleged incident. I got the missus to glue them back together.'
The school was approached for comment.
You can contribute to Sophie Wellard's Taser Todger campaign at: www.gofundme.com/tasertodger