Guests wasting food

[PottersMarsBars]

We have a bbq coming up and one of the guests is known for overfilling her plate and only eating a small amount of it. She does it every single time. I don’t feel comfortable saying anything as it might cause friction with the relationship dynamics but seeing an obscene amount of food going into the bin really pisses me off it’s like she’s throwing my money away. On top of that she comes over with empty hands, not that we need anything but I wouldn’t go to someone’s house and not take a bottle of wine with me specially when she drinks a lot. Would it be wrong if I served her instead of letting her serve herself? Not inviting her isn’t an option unfortunately.

These are the only reasonable options IMO.

If she is filling a plate, then it can only be half a plate of waste. I wouldn't even notice tbh. I suspect it is more that she arrives empty handed that irks you the most - and YANBU for that.

BBQ's are for fillings plates though so for that YABU. If you hate food waste so much then don't have a buffet style BBQ or don't invite her

Urgh I feel your pain. I have to go to a BBQ soon where the host is really unwelcoming and uptight. The food is dreadful but I don't want to be rude, so I pile my plate high while she is watching, and hope that she doesn't notice I don't eat most of it. I don't bring anything with me as I know she would mock my taste in wine but I have to drink copious amounts of alcohol just to get through the afternoon. These things are a nightmare.

It would get on my wick too OP 😂 I really don’t like food waste, and I pop any big bowls of cous cous/pasta salads/anything else like that back in the fridge after a BBQ for another lunch/dinner for us as a family, but that’s harder to do once it’s already on someone else’s plate 😂

However, I think I would let it go and not say anything. Sometimes guests may have tried something new and not liked it, not realised how spicy/seasoned it was/be up and down with their kids and it’s gone cold/not realised how drunk they’d be and how it would affect their appetite, etc etc.

I’m with you on bringing something- I personally would always take a bottle/bunch of flowers/ask them host in advance if I could make/buy anything to contribute to the BBQ. Sometimes I’ve genuinely not needed anything, and tend to just say to any guests who ask to please just bring themselves…I am definitely not expecting something if they then don’t 😂 it’s always a much appreciated gesture if somebody does ask or bring you a little surprise, more about the thought for me than what they spent 😊

Bring your own wine!
Don't be so stingy; eating (or not as it seems) and drinking everything provided, and then moaning about it. If you're so worried about the hosts comments simply say... don't worry, the wine is for me. You don't have to drink any.
Going to someone's house for a party/bbq whatever, with your hands hanging is the height of rudeness!

It’s really inhospitable to comment on how much food a guest takes, whether they eat it or not. Pointing this out to her or treating her differently to other guests would be incredibly rude. It’s one BBQ for goodness sake, it’s not like she’s round at yours for dinner once a week.

Maybe she doesn’t like the cheap sausages or Iceland burgers you serve. Sometimes I go to a gathering where the food is really not to my taste but I’m obliged to put some on my plate, otherwise I’ll be quizzed as to why I’m not eating.

Your resentment seems to be more around her coming empty-handed. There’s nothing wrong with adding a cheery “please bring a bottle!” to your invitations when you send them out.

@Gwenhwyfar You're quite correct. I say it to DS, not to force food down, then I do it myself!

Does a BBQ have to be big? It’s just a different way of cooking meat, it shouldn’t mean it’s an excuse to waste food.

You're right. I'll take my own wine and tell the host not to drink any of it, and I'll take my own (better quality) food too. No more dodgy Aldi burgers for me! This is a much better approach. Thanks! I'll report back on how it goes.

Why do you have to go? It sounds utterly miserable and then a hang over the next day as well.

I’d let it go tbh. How much food can really go on a plate? It can’t be a massive amount of waste. Or as others have said, have people come up to the grill and get the meat as it’s ready and everything else can be buffet style.

This is my daughter- she has an eating disorder and fills her plate with stuff she won’t eat, to fit in with her perception of whats normal. I brief hosts when we go to peoples homes and never, ever go to someones home empty handed. Mostly people understand and of course we talk to DD about it -she is a bit better now but it’s not great.

I agree with one of the initial posters do a set amount of meat/ foods - then ask people who would like more? So you are cooking what is actually needed.

Was about to suggest same. Stagger the availability of hot food and serve buffet style salads and bread so there can only be somuch on a plate at once.

It would never occur to me to watch or register what people were eating or throwing away. You cater for X amount of people and spend X amount of money what does it matter to you?! Don’t host people if you get upset about what they eat or don’t eat would be my advice

When she arrives 😂

Either small plates or serve everything from the barbecue onto plates. Like one sausage or veggie dog or one burger on a plate, pass it on and they add salads etc. She may still load up and you can let it go. I also see almost all BBQ or picnic food as wasted at the end. It’s out in the heat for hours - even if the mayo dishes are sitting on ice it inevitably is melted by the end.

This.

When you see her about to throw her plate away say something like "oh what a shame to waste so much food, I'll get you a tub to take it home in"

If you are this uptight you probably shouldn’t host people. It reminds me of a friend who gets terribly offended if you offer to stay in a b&b when visiting her area, prides herself on her hosting skills and then puts a 2minute sand timer in the shower. She is one of those people who thinks it is a waste of water if you wash your hair more than once a week.

Only do this if you want to embarrass her and come across as incredibly tight and petty.
Honestly I'd never go back to someone's house if they did this to me. Don't you like her or something?

Not liking food waste is fine but if you invite people to your house to eat with you, you shouldn't police what they eat or don't eat. Just let it go.

Would you insist she takes leftovers home from a restaurant if she over ordered?

In all honesty, I find obsession with food waste a bit tiring. My husbands family are obsessive about leftovers and freeze every mouthful left in the pan, even if it is only a mouthful. My MIL buys way more than we need when we visit and polices everything we eat, constantly asking us what she can freeze, will we eat this etc. It's quite stressful.

You really need to be a generous host and let this go.

There are some bonkers replies on here...sorry OP it probably isn't helping you but I'm hugely entertained by the excuses people are trotting out and you being accused of being a bad hostess!

If the guest hates the food so much why does she keep returning and piling her plate high? She might come back because she feels obliged but surely you'd just have a normal or small plate of food and say you were stuffed and it was lovely (having had a sandwich at home first).

Also if other people take something even if you were worried your wine choice would be mocked - you'd take flowers or something.

No, they're being hilarious and mocking the OP.
Who someone has decided only serves dodgy Aldi burgers.

Smaller plates for all

Maybe OP isn’t serving cheap sausages and burgers at all. Since the guest has been many times before she likely knows what the food will be like.

Maybe she just is ignorant to the cost of food since she is neither paying for it nor bringing even a bottle of wine.