To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

It sounds like he actually offers very little support when he’s there, that his visits are largely about
meeting his needs and not your children’s needs, and that he utilises the access you give him to take advantage of your inability to set appropriate boundaries. It’s easy to see how you got to this point with an unwell child and after experiencing abuse, as I imagine your self esteem was probably destroyed by his abuse and the relationship has skewed your understanding of a healthy relationship and appropriate behaviour. It is time though that things change though, you simply cannot carry on like this if you’re going to recover from the relationship and be able to take care of yourself. As a starting point I’d definitely speak to early help and women’s aid about boundaries you might like to put in place.

It is simplistic if it is the OPs house and nothing to do with him. I just read

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives.

as though they both now own their own homes. But yes, if it's still his house then not so easy.

But yes, if it's still his house then not so easy.

And that’s the part that hasn’t been completely clarified, just because they have separate homes doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t have a claim on the house?!?!

And if that is the case then your suggestion of locking him out is a ridiculous one?!?!

It's all about control. My situation is, Autistic Ds with heart failure (& now some mh issues during to appalling local 'provision'). ExH (58, retired) would call to take to cinema etc. I asked if he'd sit up with Ds in his room so I could get some sleep (it's been 10months). No, he fell asleep then complained about his back etc & flounce out. Its ALL about control.

Saying what you do and do not want isn't abuse. Setting boundaries isn't abuse. He doesn't need to sleep in your house and in your bed to be part of his children's lives. He can come during the days on your terns. You don't need to provide him food or do his laundry. He's your kids dad. He isn't your husband and he isn't your responsibility.

He sounds as useful as a chocolate teapot.

It is my home and not his, although during confrontations he will imply that he basically paid for it, referring to our divorce and what was decided.
He doesn’t have a key. But after my own issues with as I said a very dysfunctional family life, I don’t want to put DC through him turning up and me refusing him access and having to call the police.

I know now that I have messed up by reacting to the dating site thing and saying what I said. I think I’ve fallen into his stupid games where he does things and will say how unreasonable I am so i know I’ll have to backtrack on that. I need to buy myself some time of being civil for a few weeks and then find a way of him not being able to be here, this is the only way that’ll be peaceful for my boys.

I think he's playing into your fears of having your children witness something upsetting. What you're forgetting is that they already are - every single time he kicks you out of your own bed they are learning from that. Their relationships in the future are already being affected by what they witness now so you can't protect them from being affected by this. It's already happening. So the only thing you can control is how they see you take back control of your own life. You already said your other child doesn't want him there - they've told you that and are watching it happen anyway. Sadly, the house isn't a haven for any of you just now which is really sad.

I know it must be so hard after years of abuse, but letting this continue just because you don't want to upset anyone isn't actually achieving that. If your worst fears come true and he gets upset and tries to break into your home and you have to call the police... is that really worse than what you are enduring every single week forever? Are you afraid for yourself and your children physically or is the emotional abuse? Is the situation with your child a permanent situation or is there the potential for a totally different future?

I am so, so terribly sorry.

Put a lock on bedroom door.

Message him that he can no longer stay overnight. Id also get legal advice on formal custody arrangement.

He honestly created so much shit about it that dc2 then said he didn’t want them coming because of all the fuss ex was making. I cancelled them coming.

This was concerning to read. To me, that suggests that your DC2 might be learning how to get what he wants. Someone kicked off, DC2 didn't want your family to visit, and you cancelled the visit - i.e. kicking off got DC2 the result he wanted. It's a very simplistic view of it, but a dangerous association for your DC2 to start making,
How old is he?

He's only going to do it anyway even if you have an issue with it, maybe make him stay on the sofa

This is among the worst abuse I have ever read on mn @SaunterOff my heart breaks for you.

Put a Yale lock or similar on your bedroom door. Pay someone if you don't have the tools.

Put a pillow and quilt on the settee.

Go to bed as soon as you can. If you feel you must say something, say you twisted your back earlier/had no sleep the night before.

I survived an abusive relationship. I know the hold they have over you.
I used to pray they would find someone else. I get it.

The first time you say 'no' is the hardest.

If I could have a wish granted today, I would wish with all my heart that you could take that mattress and toss it in a skip, lock your door and grow in the peace and quiet.

There doesn’t seem like there is a brighter future. DS1 has at least two lifelong conditions one being autism. No idea whether he will improve with the other. DS1 is fairly oblivious to the situation with his dad as I said he’s happy to see him, DS2 is very aware and will already say things like “just don’t talk to him mum” or “if you ignore him he’ll shut up” and that when things have been really bad he will be the one answering ex as ds2 knows he won’t leave me alone, he constantly is questioning me on the most random things, like any excuse to talk to me, follows me if I walk out the room and say I’m not discussing this right now, then he’ll tell me it’s because I wasn’t raised right. So ds has picked up that if he answers instead then ex soon stops trying. DS2 does hate any confrontation, he’s very much like me and sadly at times has blamed me if I’ve defended myself or spoken up he’ll say that I shouldn’t have as we know what he’s like. So I think in that situation DS2 would just say to me to let him in and not call the police. I know this is because he has already learnt that he can rationalise with me but not his dad, and he can take out on me what he can’t on his dad.

There was a history of physical violence for a little while many years ago during the marriage . Again he’d scream at me that I can call the police and he’ll tell them how abusive I am and everyone will find out what a liar I am. It stopped when DS2 witnessed one by accident and said repeatedly to ex’s parents what he saw. I think he’d quite easily do it again.

He did say something which made me certain that he’s in there pleasuring himself and which has been on my mind all day which was if I gave him my hand he wouldn’t need to be on those sites.

DS1 is 12 and DS2 is 11. DS1 is very high needs and displays as a 3-4 year old.

DS2 is very aware and will already say things like “just don’t talk to him mum” or “if you ignore him he’ll shut up

This is awfull that your son is witnessing him doing this and you are allowing him to do it, for the sake of your son (and yourself) you need to stop him disrespecting you in your own home

Sorry, but you need to grow a backbone and put a stop to this, your son shouldn’t be witnessing him disrespecting you, lay down the rules for when he is in YOUR home

Also tell him you do not want or need him to be slowing in your house as he is of no help, standing up to people isn’t that difficult when you start doing it, if he refuses to stop contact womens aid

This really isn’t that difficult to do, your house, your rules

This is really messing your kids up. You need to dig deep here OP. I think you’ll find that once you get him out a lot of the other issues will feel more manageable.

And actually the comment about your hand is gross and abusive. You’re desensitised to it.

OP - all of this is, sadly, completely in line with my exBIL and many other men I've heard about or witnessed.

He also used to threaten her - he' be absusive and threatening to her (never quite crossed the line into full blown violence but wasn't far off) and he'd tell her that she can call the police - he'll theen tell them all about how awful she was. to the rest of us, it was so clearly ridiculous but he was in her head and she was scared.

Even just the following you around, demanding answers to things - totally familiar.

She ONLY got peace once she stopped letting him in her house. That decision DID cause short term fall out - and the once incident of actual violence, albeit very very minor - and, longer term, it's meant he's pretty much abandoned them. But her life is a lot better without him and while her DC struggle they feel it too. It certainly sounds like your younger child is already fully aware of his dad's shittiness.

It’s your home and he doesn’t have a key.
It is HIM that is being abusive and controlling but that will only stop once you make that happen.

You’ve got to believe that. You really do.

It doesn't matter what he wants. It's your home, you decide if he stays or not. Maybe you want him to stay since you're not objecting to his insistence?

Also, no, you can't dictate what he does online when he's in your bed. If you're not happy with his activities, don't have him in your bed!

Despite not being in that kind of relationship I can understand how difficult poisonous relationships can be especially when there are children involved. Many women have done it and succeeded. OP is part of the way there, hopefully the time will come, sooner rather than later, and she'll find the strength to.

Your house, your bed. Your rules.

so he thinks it’s abusive, why are you letting him abuse you?

I’ve perhaps not felt abused as he isn’t here all of the time. Our marriage was abusive and I was very much stuck with him all of the time so I’m very aware of how that feels and I always now worry about taking the resources from women that are stuck and financially dependent etc with no escape.

I was abused as a child with a drug addict parent that eventually was prosecuted for their neglect of me and DB and served a custodial sentence. As I explained life was extremely dysfunctional so my boundary setting and ideas of what relationships are supposed to be were hugely blurred.

I have decided to get rid of the bed before he comes back, I will lie and say it broke and I don’t have the money at the moment to replace it (not a lie), i’ll also take it as an opportunity to start decorating in there. I think this will be the safest and calmest way to get rid of him without the confrontation and upsetting ds2. I look forward to taking a lot of my resentment out with a hammer to the bed tomorrow! Thank you to @2catsandhappy, your wish inspired this plan!
And to @MattCauthon for your sisters experiences and your especially kind words and understanding.

Thank you all for your kindness, encouragement and even the harsh words, I am absolutely shattered from the realisation of it all over again and how foolish I have been, but I’m ready to improve life again for me and my boys.

Are you going to sleep in your sons room until you get a new bed or keep the mattress to sleep on?

The mattress will be gone too. I’ll use the pull out and put it in the lounge for now.
It sounds extreme but I want all trace of him in there gone before I go back in there. A deep spring clean, redecorate, new bed, mattress and bedding. And when it’s all done which will take a few months due to finances, he will never step foot in there.