To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

The problem is instead if making proper boundaries and dealing with the problem you are trying to lie your way out of the conflict.

You need to be clear. You don't want him at your house anymore. You are happy for him to have contact with his children at his house. If it's not clear or organised that's his problem to deal with. If he wants to see his kids he will he motivated to do that.

You need to shut down every conversation that isn't about your kids, their schooling/ health/ appointments or contact. You aren't his business. Who you have sex with in your home isn't his business. The only thing that's his business is the kids.

I'm not prepared to discuss that. Only contact me if its about the kids. Repeat

Your abusive. If your worried about the children's welfare then contact SS. Repeat

Stop letting him manipulative you. He's an abusive fuck. He knows your triggers so shut him down and sort engage.

I'm sorry if your kids will be upset. They will get used to the new contact. You deserve a life free from abuse. You also need to demonstrate that this behaviour isn't okay and you will stick up for yourself. They might need to stick up for themselves with him one day as well.

Just a thought OP. It's really useful that the carers have noticed his behaviour. Perhaps make a note of what they've said - including about his behaviour towards the young women. Then if he repeats his accusations to the authorities (which he may if he escalates as you establish your boundaries) you've got some back up from those who've seen his behaviour.

And keep all texts / emails where he makes accusations / threats / changes arrangements etc - just in case you need them down the line.

You've got this - it will take time but you can do it.

he’d asked a couple of the younger carers for their numbers and followed them on social media

Wildly inappropriate. I hope those carers have blocked him. Could you somehow get the company to ban him from your house while the carers are there, i.e. it's not your fault he can't ever come to your house again?

I just wanted to say you’re doing really well. This bit will be hard, but keep on going. Otherwise you’ll only have to do it all again later. Big unmumsnetty hugs.

This. He may as well go home at night

Great tactics, OP. Now you need to keep telling yourself that you have no obligation to answer his questions, if he says you're being abusive, you know it's rubbish, so ignore him. You need to take all the power away from him, you can do it!

Do I really not have to facilitate him seeing the boys at all? I just want to check 100% as he is from the messages I’ve skimmed over threatening court and if I don’t listen to him then he’ll make me listen even if he has to get the authorities involved and how he’ll flag my treatment of DS1.

I’ve not answered anything since I last posted, I’m keeping myself busy with the bedroom, i just briefly checked his messages to see what his latest rants are.

Tell him you'd look Forward to telling a Court everything he's been doing............. the Court will see him for exactly what he is.

Well facilitate as in make them available for collection, probably. Not by having him in your home and especially not your bed!

If he went to court what would happen, do you imagine a judge would say you should give up your bed and lend the man a hand twice a week?

It sounds ludicrous because it is. It’s really common amongst victims of abuse that his opinion is your new normal.Its how you’ve survived for years. It’s probably been mentioned on the thread but the freedom programme from woman’s aid is really good.

Why can't he have them overnight apart from being a useless prick?

You mustn't block him from seeing them or put obstacles in his way. But he's an adult and has to take responsibility for making his own arrangements. That doesn't mean it has to be in your home overnight - and likely not in the daytime.
His behaviour towards the young women carers may also work against him if he tries to insist that because of DS's illness he must be allowed to stay.
That's why I suggested keeping a clear record of his destructive / threatening behaviour (and keeping it somewhere where he can't find it if he decides to go snooping)

So you need to ensure that your messages are always positive about his seeing them - "Yes, Saturday at 9 am is fine". etc
Minimise all discussions as others have said. You're playing the long game. You've successfully divorced him and now you're re establishing your rights to privacy from him in your own home.

Let him threaten you with the courts. As long as you're on record agreeing for him to see them and enabling that, the fact he's demanding it's in your home won't get him anywhere.

I don’t have the answer to this but it’s great that you are reaching out and asking for advice on it before responding to his threats, some wiser person than me may be able to answer your question.

What kind of a bloke takes a woman’s bed, in her own home? Chivalry is really truly dead.

On another note, ‘talking’ to people is part of life. People text other people to fill time / not be lonely. You can’t expect him to have conversations throughout the day, then ghost people for an evening / night.

That being said, sexting would be totally and utterly inappropriate. Especially with a happy ending.

You've been given great advice.
Given that you have said dad can not have your eldest overnight due to equipment that is needed, then dad can't have him overnight.
Dad can have then during the day, but you do not need to facilitate that in your home.
Please ask the carer to log their concerns through the appropriate channels at work, as this could support you moving forward. If dad takes you to court Cafcass would be involved. As he alleges you can't look after your children the carers are perfect witnesses.
Document everything, only respond to the children parts of messages, be very polite and short answers to his messages.
Unfortunately although you split a while ago, you haven't completely separated your lives. I know you want to protect your kids from the upset/changes but remember that short term there will be upset, but in the long term it will be best for the three of you as your home will be safe and not on edge.

Facilitate is just letting him have the DC but not in your home. Plus you could facilitate video calls once a week if he only saw them once a week.

It’s fantastic that he wants to take it to court. You will be excused from mediation due to his abuse.

I have been thinking of you today @SaunterOff
What a courageous thing you have done.

So nasty of him to say that about your parenting. Vile man.

I expect it will take weeks for the decorating<wink wink> with you being so busy and so tired, you'll do it when you have more energy.

What lovely carers to support you. Their word will be worth a lot.

If he brings up court again. "I have nothing to hide." is a useful mantra and answer.

So proud of you @SaunterOff. You are a fantastic mum
xx

I’m hoping you are doing ok. This must be so difficult for you.

i know my divorce and post divorce was very difficult for me, My marriage got so bad that in the end I was too scared to ever say No to him or refuse to do something he wanted. It got worse during the divorce, but I am lucky that my child is now an adult. I do really feel for you.

I understand why you have got to this state of affairs - it’s what he has decided he wants and he has no compunction at all into bullying you into submission.

Please remember, what ever he says, whenever he tries to blame you, it will be lies. He does not want to search for the truth or find a compromise- he wants total control. So you need to learn to ignore most of what he says, especially if he is touting the law - it will all be made up nonsense with the sole aim of getting you to do what he wants. The best thing you can do is find out the facts yourself. I understand you may not have emotional space to deal with this.

Im pretty sure that he is not allowed into your home unless you invite him willingly. I think if you knew the law for certain regarding your children this may help.

I would like to suggest you reach out to anyone and everyone you can for help.
Womens Aid, the Freedom Programme, family and friends, any free advice - Citizens Advice, Flag DV. Look online as well.

I once rang the Police non emergency number to ask about what constitutes harassment. They were very helpful and kind.

It’s very hard to be brave when you’ve been bullied and emotionally abused for years. I hadn’t had any contact with my ex for six months, but I still feel sick with anxiety if I even see a car similar to his.

Well done OP. You are taking the first steps.

The issue here is what is reasonable in terms of you facilitating contact. He is getting in your head by suggesting that unless you do what works best for him, you are being obstructive. This is a fallacy and he is using it against you.

Rather, as others have said, you can't obstruct him... from reasonable contact. So no, you can't refuse to make them available, nor can you chop and change your agreed schedule. But if he does not have facilities to have them overnight, you do not need to have him in your house overnight instead. X1000 considering his previous abuse and that he does not actually DO anything.

At a practical level, you need to reiterate that you are happy for him to spend time with them, without agreeing to facilitate that. "I can make sure the boys are free on Saturday and/or Sunday and am happy to drop them off. Let me know.".

Then grey rock the accusations etc.

Re court.... hahahahahaha.

1 he won't be bothered. He can't even be bothered to look after his children, he's not going to court.

2 he MIGHT get a solicitor to send you threatening letters. They are just that - letters - until you get formal notification from the court you don't have to do anything. If he does write to you, a calm factual response (once) sent to his lawyer is sufficient

3 in the unlikely event he does take you to court, there's very little he could win. While the courts often get it wrong, I am 90% sure that no court is going to order you to let him into your home, and certainly not into your bed.

4 if he does take you to court, you have evidence of his behaviour - previous abuse and current harassment in person and via text. Carers' concerns re his behaviour (and I would see what, if any, formal evidence of this you can get), his inability to create a safe and appropriate space for the dc in his home etc.

I think i may have warned you in an earlier post that he will rant and accuse you of things. But I will remind you of the other point I keep making - he is messing with your head, but if you look at every decision you take and take an honest, and rational, view of whether it is reasonable, then hold that knowledge in the front of your mind when you have to engage with him, you will be on track.

Also, I have to say that everything you have said about this man tells me that he does not care about the children. His behaviour is ALL about getting his "supply" from you. Once he cannot get that, he will start by spiralling out of control and ramping up his behaviour (ie things will get worse before they get better), but then he will most likely disappear completely.

Look up covert narcissism.

Good luck!!! You are doing so well.

I checked in with Chat GPT regarding the liklihood that a court could order you to let him into your home. This is the response I got:

You’re absolutely right: he has no legal right to insist on sleeping in her home, and a court cannot order her to allow that. The law does not give a non-resident parent the right to occupy the other parent’s home or bed in order to facilitate contact.

Here’s a breakdown of the key legal and practical points:

1. Parental Responsibility vs Residence Rights
• The father may have parental responsibility, which gives him rights and responsibilities in relation to the child’s welfare and decision-making.
• But this does not entitle him to live in or enter the mother’s home against her wishes—let alone insist on staying overnight or sleeping in her bed.

2. Court Orders Focus on Contact With the Child
• If he applies to court (likely for a Child Arrangements Order), the court’s concern will be what arrangement is in the child’s best interests in terms of time with each parent.
• The court may encourage or even order contact to happen in the mother’s home if it’s in the child’s best interests and no alternative is feasible.
• But the court cannot and will not force the mother to allow him to sleep there. That would violate her rights and autonomy over her home.

3. Accommodation and Equipment
• If the father argues that he can’t care for the child overnight due to lack of equipment, the court may consider:
• Whether overnight contact is realistic or safe at his home.
• Whether support could be provided to facilitate this.
• But it won’t shift the burden onto the mother to host him overnight.

4. Boundaries and Domestic Abuse Concerns
• His insistence on sleeping at her house and in her bed—especially if it’s coercive or controlling—could be considered abusive or harassment under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021.
• If she feels pressured or intimidated, she could seek legal advice about protective orders (e.g. non-molestation or occupation orders).

5. Practical Next Steps for the Mother
• Document her communication with him (especially where he insists on staying overnight).
• Set clear written boundaries.
• Seek legal advice—many family lawyers offer a free initial consultation.
• If he files a court application, she can respond and present her position clearly, including medical needs of the child, equipment logistics, and the emotional impact of the current situation.

You have to make them available for reasonable contact with him. You dont have to jump to his demands. You don't have to allow him into your home.

If he wants to take you to court, I'd tell him

That's fine. I trust the court will decide what's in the best interests of the children. In the meantime, I'm happy to drop the kids to you for contact. What 2 regular days would you like?

That demonstrates that you're not denying contact.

After that...

Only contact me pertaining to the children. Any other contact will be reported as harassment.

How often have you in fact had to wake him to help with your DC? If it’s rare, I’d tell him there’s no need to stay. If you actually need him regularly, then he should sleep in with your DC, with a baby monitor for you in case he doesn’t wake up quickly. In which case, you go in and wake him, then he can see to your child on his own. If he’s staying at yours, he needs to pull his weight, otherwise there’s no point, and he’s causing more aggravation than he’s worth.

Well done!
I think you need to tell him after a few days / weeks that this has made you realise that you don’t want him in your house anymore so his contact will have to take place outside and that he can organise it if he wishes.

• The court may encourage or even order contact to happen in the mother’s home if it’s in the child’s best interests and no alternative is feasible.

This part here is what he’s arguing. He says that DS1 is in more familiar surroundings at my home, unfortunately this part is true, he hasn’t been to EX since 2020 due to him becoming ill at the end of 2019, and then lockdown happening which then carried on to this situation of DS1 needing more and more care etc and ex staying.

He would be able to take DS1 out, as I said he goes to school and I’m able to take him out etc, he’s mobile and able at times. We do live in different towns, around a 20 minute drive apart. Ironically he lives closer to the hospital than I do should anything be drastically wrong.

I’m going to get a lock for my bedroom tomorrow. I’ve a feeling he will really push that again it’s better for DS1 being in his usual surroundings. I’ll work something out, with locks on my door and perhaps someone else being here for the duration. Not me though.

I suspect that clause is if the parent is homeless for example. He's a (presumably) fully functioning adult, living near the hospital who is bailing out of his responsibilities to house and care for his children.
Unless he's living in a bedsit the he must proved accommodation for them. Presumably the specialist equipment could be provided / purchased.

Not trying to berate you OP. Take your time and don't rush into deciding he must come and stay. This is a massive change for you in standing up to this bullying man and I suspect you've got more power to say no if you feel you can.

Just because something is familiar doesn't mean it's in the children's best interest. Its not in your childrens best interest to winess their father abuse and try to control their mother. Hold your nerve @SaunterOff. You're not denying contact. You don't want him in your house which is reasonable and he has his own accommodation to accommodate them. If he wants to take it to court let him. It will take ages for anything to happen. Let him waste his time and his money. I reckon his all mouth and no action anyways. If you get solicitors letters remember they will write whatever they are instructed to write.