To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

If you manage the rest of the time, and he only helps if you happen to need him and you wake him up, then he doesn't NEED to be there OP, and just because he WANTS to be there, doesn't mean that you have to let him, particularly if he's doing what you think he is in your bed. Just tell him that you've decided you no longer require his help one night a week, as you manage the rest of the time, and so you're going to cut it out, as you want your bed back. If he doesn't like it, tough!

Well done OP on taking this first step.
It must feel quite daunting but you are doing so well posting and seeking support.
You don't need to accept this treatment of you and your home any more.

I just wanted to say after everything you've been through (and we've only seen a small snippet of it), you are way stronger than you think!!!
Let him threaten you with court, see how far he actually goes. You're not stopping him from seeing his kids, just not in your house.
As for grey rocking, it really will help you, I promise! I know it seems to go against everything you want to do because you want to argue his demands/accusations, but once you get over that and realise that it doesn't matter what you were to argue back, he will still argue more, grey rocking really really works.

I am holding my nerve. I’ve offered and made them available for contact. He has said no to all my options so I’ve said that his option of basically him coming here doesn’t work for me. Left as let me know when you’d like the boys over at yours for the day.

Notably DS2 who is well aware it’s Friday and his dad would usually be here, hasn’t asked where he is. All is calm.

Well done👏👏
I personally think you have made a lot of progress in dealing with this person in this past week alone, enjoy your weekend and feel proud of yourself

Well done @SaunterOff.

Well done 👏 go girl 💪

Why the fuck are you letting him have your bed.

Well done OP - that's such good news. It's all small steps (though this sounds like a massive one).

Hope the weekend is restful.

Amazing job! Look how far you've come in such a short amount of time. And your kids are doing okay! Win, win, win!
Now he will push back, he won't take it lying down. So enjoy this peace and quiet, but I would prepare a child maintenance friendly and age appropriate response if ex shows up and causes a scene which the kids see. Something where you share there's a change of plan, you're not taking the blame and showing your kids that it's okay to have boundaries. I've been learning in the last two weeks to do this type of conversation with my kids so others might have better ways of saying it.
Me and dad don't fit together anymore and this home needs to be safe, comfortable and happy for the three of you as our home, it isn't dad's home. Unfortunately I don't like how your dad treats me some times. When a someone is unkind we walk away or talk to others. But I can't do that when I feel like dad is being unkind to me because he is doing it in our home, our safe space. So I've had to put a boundary in place and dad won't be coming in the hosue anymore. I've suggested to dad different options to see you and when a plan is in place I will let you know.

What I'm saying is, think about some answers so when they question you then you aren't blindsided like i constantly am.

Amazing job! Look how far you've come in such a short amount of time. And your kids are doing okay! Win, win, win!
Now he will push back, he won't take it lying down. So enjoy this peace and quiet, but I would prepare a child maintenance friendly and age appropriate response if ex shows up and causes a scene which the kids see. Something where you share there's a change of plan, you're not taking the blame and showing your kids that it's okay to have boundaries. I've been learning in the last two weeks to do this type of conversation with my kids so others @might have better ways of saying it.
Me and dad don't fit together anymore and this home needs to be safe, comfortable and happy for the three of you as our home, it isn't dad's home. Unfortunately I don't like how your dad treats me some times. When a someone is unkind we walk away or talk to others. But I can't do that when I feel like dad is being unkind to me because he is doing it in our home, our safe space. So I've had to put a boundary in place and dad won't be coming in the hosue anymore. I've suggested to dad different options to see you and when a plan is in place I will let you know.

What I'm saying is, think about some answers so when they question you then you aren't blindsided like i constantly am.

Going against the grain, but no I don't think its acceptable for you to dictate who he speaks to and where. Its controlling behaviour. The way you set it up, and the bed information I really thought you were going to say you asked him not to masterbate in your bed. However texts? Nah thats fair game. I presume there's a reason he needs to sleep over, but you need to remember you aren't together any longer.

Editing my comment to say I've read your updates. And think he's cheeky for turning down the sofa or air bed. I wouldn't be giving up my bed for an ex.

You are great and please hold your nerve

yeah, I agree - I think that at most the court could order contact if your child coul dnot leave the house and/or if, for example, there was genuine reasons your ex couldn't have them elsewhere. Which is not the case here for day time visits.

And either way, he cannot insist on sleeping at your house. Nor in your bed.

hold your nerve.

For goodness sake! Would you want your Ex to be talking to another woman and wanking in YOUR bed? Or do you have no imagination as to what the poor OP was trying to tell us?

She needs to kick this creep out of her bed full stop!! He's using his sick child to continue to abuse the OP, as he clearly did while they were married.

This. You've let him take charge in YOUR space. Like others have said if he's there to help he should be sleeping next to dc. Otherwise no point him being there.

OP, I've now read all of your posts, but not the whole thread, and I have to say that I am absolutely gobsmacked at how you've taken back control. You are clearly MUCH stronger than you think, and the Carers are obviously on your side, which will help if this should end up going to court, so make sure you have names and contact details of these people, in case they move on, and you need them to speak on your behalf.

You mentioned that you have a brother, would he be able to sort things out with your Ex, ie, would he be able to tell him that he's not welcome, and have some authority while doing so? Such a shame that you ended up having to cancel their visit, but can you at least talk to him about what is going on, he may be able to offer advise or help, just a thought.

Another thought is, that if it does come to the Ex having to have access to your home in the future, could you have key locks put on all the doors, with exception of a bathroom, and kitchen? That way, you could go out, feeling safe in the knowledge that he couldn't access your private things, and if he broke a lock or broke down a door to do so, you could then go to the Court and tell them, that he only wants access in order to continue his abuse of you, and isn't really interested in actually helping with the care of his sick child. This would be clear to the Court by the fact that he had broken the lock/door to get access to a room he doesn't need. Just thinking ahead, but hope it doesn't come to this.

Although I don't know you, I am so proud of what you, have achieved in the last few days. Stay strong! We're all here rooting for you.

Well done OP

Keep your nerve. You aren't answersble to him.

Best of luck and keep us posted

I am sorry your child is so unwell. It must be extremely difficult and stressful, and adding what sounds like a very acrimonious break up into the mix must be far from easy. However, I am going to give my honest view of your husband's conduct here, even though I fear it will not be what you want to hear, as it's clear you are feeling very resentful towards him at the moment. (And I don't doubt you have your reasons for this).

A) he is getting a lot of slagging on here for wanting to help with his sick child, but actually, this is far preferable, surely, to a parent who doesn't give a shit and just fucks off, as so many do. You say you would prefer to never see him again, and you have my sympathy, but when we have a child with someone, unlese they are abusive, it is important to do our best to coparent amicably so that as much as possible the child still gets to enjoy a relationship with both parents. I think given the specific circumstances and the impossibility of your child relocating to his house for some nights, it's not actually evil of him to want to stay over and help/spend time with the child when he can....
B) the whole thing about him not waking up does seem a bit strange - does he have a sleep disorder which prevents him waking? Can this be treated in any way? And is it you, or he, who assets that this is the case?
C) i do agree that whatever happens he should not be in your bed. And if he genuinely thinks being asked to sleep in a sofa bed is "abusive" he does not know the meaning of the word.
D) I think the talking to women thing is not something you have any right to police, wherever it is done. Do you mean actual phone calls, or messaging. If messaging, honestly it has no impact on you and you have no need to even know about it. Phonecalls a little different - it's reasonable of you not to want to overhear it .....

Good luck ; hope you find a way to coparent peacefully, and I hope things with your child improve. Wishing you strength and peace in the future.

Good luck, hold your ground!

He is the one declining contact- you’ve made the boys available.

You tell him you are no longer allowing him to use your room. Going forward it will be your private space . If he wishes to stay at night he will need to sleep on a camp bed next to DC or on the sofa/ airbwd in the living room.
And actually his help at night is not really beneficial so perhaps he should just see the DC during the day and ideally at his own place.

I would finish with ‘I am not asking you - I am telling you that this is what is happening.

OP, please get some outside support - Women's Aid or anywhere else that provide support with abuse. You need to hold your ground here but it's going to get hard, you're going to need somewhere on side.

What HE is doing is controlling and abusive, and very purposefully so.

Never let him into your bed again.

He lives 20 minutes away. He should never again be allowed in your home. Please get RL support to help you hold your nerve, you're doing brilliantly but he really does have a terrible hold over you.

With regard to point A, OP states that he was physically abusive to her in the marriage. It seems to me very clear that he is being emotionally abusive to her now.

And on point D, I think that OP believes he was having phone sex with these women whilst in her bed. He said to her if she lent him her hand he wouldn't need to do it.

@Ilovelurchersyour post is well meaning and thoughtful. Unfortunately it also is the post of someone who has no experience this type of personality or type of abusive behaviour. You are offering rational, reasonable suggestions for a man who does not think rationally or reasonably. Take a step back... was it EVER rational or reasonable for him to take her bed? Can you imagine any of the (assumingly well adjusted, emotionally mature) men in your life insisting on taking a woman's bed, in her house?!

The reality is that this situation was ridiculous from the start because his behaviour is not rational or reasonable and he is not a man who wants the best for his children. If he were, he would already have found a way to manage his sleep better to support his children.

Suggesting OP makes careful, kind, collaborative suggestions is completely missing all these points ans simply serves to reinforce the cognitive dissonance she is already experiencing because you are, on some level, agreeing that this man has "rights" and your syggestion that your advice isn't what she wants to hear because she's "resentful" is downplaying that she has been in an abusive relationship for a long time, one that has continued even as they have gone through divorce. I am 'resentful" because this morning my dh has been a bit useless while i have been rushing around, getting ds ready for his DOE, repacked his bag, made sure he had a good breakfast then had to rush around taking dd to dance. He took ds to the drop off and later is watching dd perform before we go to a bbq and he is feeling "like it's a really busy day". I am biting my tongue not to tell him to stop being a baby. And yes, i was a bit resentful AND irritated when he got in the shower 6 minutes before they were supposed to leave having enjoyed a leisurely breakfast. What OP has experienced and her feelings as a result are far more serious than "resentment".