To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

Good idea, would love to see his face when you tell him
Wonder if he will come up with some other ideas on how to get back into your house

Well it’ll show him for what he really is as all the other possibilities he’s turned down, so why would they be ok now. He’s going to hate it but there is nothing he can do. DS2 absolutely won’t have him in his room, he could stay with DS1 but he will need to buy something to sleep on and again it goes back on all he’s said. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of this. Isn’t it silly that I really cannot wait for the DCs to go to school tomorrow so I can get cracking!

Instead of destroying it could you sell it / try giving it away for free

Of course he will. He'll suggest that he sleeps on the sofa while @SaunterOff sleeps on the camper with DC. He might suggest offering to help @SaunterOff pay for a new one and then he'll gain some ownership over the bed. He'll make a huge song and dance about it. @SaunterOff needs to set proper boundaries and stick to them. He needs to realise that he can't perform and get his own way or shout abuse and get his own way. Unfortunately, because these tactics have worked for him in the past he will absolutely try them again. If they don't work he may try to escalate his behaviour and kick off louder and harder. If @SaunterOff gives in it will be even hard to set boundaries because he'll think she won't follow through. All he needs to be is raise merry he'll, kick off, make noise and she'll back down.

@SaunterOff because he's abusive I worry for your safety. Will others be around when he comes and finds the bed and mattress gone and that he's not allowed to sleep over. I think it might be worth getting someone to stay over and be with you.

That’s an idea, you’re right. I will give it to the local hospice furniture outlet. The mattress however is off to the tip because no one needs to be sleeping on that.

I'm proud of how far you've come in just these messages alone. You've taken some big steps. Please call Women's Aid. They will advise you. I worry that as you make steps to loosen his control, he will try to tighten his control. I know you aren't in a relationship with him now, but in some ways due to the control factors, you are. And post separation abuse can be worse as they lose their control.

So to make you call the police, to stand your ground and keep those boundaries remember... you don't want your kids in a relationship like this. And your son is being affected by how dad acts, don't let him blame you or think it's okay to put up with. Seek support and put boundaries in place. Wish you luck and really hope you enjoy getting rid of the bed.

Well done @SaunterOff you sound so much happier and more positive already! Does he have a key to the house? I would be stopping that.

He won’t offer any money. He is extremely selfish when it comes to money. Pays for the absolute bare minimum for DC’s. I will text him about the bed before he’s due here and tell him there’s simply no where to sleep. Short notice of it will catch him out, no confrontation, simply the bed broke last night, as much as he’s abusive and a bully he’s also incredibly lazy. If I let him turn up and then tell him there will be problems, but messaging him in the morning, there won’t be anything. It’s definitely the safest way for us.

Hang on, he stays over in the comfy bed and you slum it on a pull out bed? When you are doing the night times anyway so need good sleep?

This is a crazy arrangement! Put him on the sofa or an airbed. Get yourself some good sleep!

Just make sure you have set up your phone emergency sos just in case. I want you to be safe.

no this stops today

he can come over 8am but there is no need for him to stay over unless you are able to go out/get time off and he actually pulls his weight!

reclaim YOUR space

If you’re wrong anyway, you might as well be spectacularly wrong. The wonderful thing about properly awful people is that you can safety not consider them, because they won’t be happy regardless.

Tell him to fuck off. Fuck right off and never darken your door again. If he wants to see DC, great. He can come up with a great system that works for everyone. Until he does, what do you say? Yes, ‘fuck off’.

I suspect it's not just talking because having a conversation with someone no issues but umm pillow talk in your ex wife's bed? Ewwwww

This is DARVO. He accuses you of being abusive because he is abusive and controlling.

It sounds like you need help from organisations which support women who experience abuse. You can say no to him coming to your home. He needs to organise equipment in his own home .

Good for you @SaunterOff - sounds like you have a plan.

And remember that it’s hardest for the person who breaks a cycle - you come from an abusive home but you don’t want your children to create an abusive home in the future so it’s on you to reset the cycle and create something else. That’s the hardest step for any family. If your kids see you doing something better than you’ve ever experienced they’ll know how to do that for themselves in the future. I give you a lot of credit - coming from such a difficult background can mean you can’t even picture a better life but you can and you’re going to get there.

Been thinking about you and wishing you well wherever you are

So glad you’ve got a plan in place.
Best of luck with the next few weeks. You can hear the optimism in your posts, despite clearly being so overwhelmed.

I'm sorry you're going through it. Many of us have lived it at the hands of these shitty creatures. I was abusing mine because I kept asking for details of his affair and wouldn't let it go. I knew he was gaslighting me by telling me it was only once and no, I wouldn't let it go till he told the truth. But that was abusing him 🙄

It hasn’t gone as straightforward as I hoped. I sent a message this morning saying that my bed has broken during the night, reminding him that it was already noisy and a small crack on the bottom. Instantly all the questions of how, exactly what happened, even an accusation that I must have had someone in here overnight. For every messages I answered there have been another 6-7 in replies.

Still, he hasn’t insisted on coming, but has said I need to get a new bed asap. Now I’m seeing his control and how he really believes I’m answerable to him!

I’ve said to him I can drop the boys off to him for the days over the bank holiday, apparently can’t be done as his place needs sorting, I don’t want him coming here even for the day because I know he’ll see some way around it and stay as he’s already saying DS1 will be upset when he leaves him as it’s not part of his usual routine, DS will be but he very quickly moves on. But of course that’s being used against me, how I don’t care for DS1 conditions etc.

Carer who came this morning is fantastic, stayed overtime to help me get rid of the bed and she has offered to come with me on drop offs and collections for DS1, she said they’ve all been saying for months how wrong it is what he’s been doing. I was also unaware that he’d asked a couple of the younger carers for their numbers and followed them on social media. I can’t tell you how embarrassed i felt. So she will be a welcome distraction for DS1 especially on collections.

I am finding the grey rock method which I spent half the night reading up on quite difficult. He really knows how to press my buttons and what my triggers are. I’ve muted his messages so I’m not reading them now, and hope he’ll send so many that I won’t be able to fully read them all. I’ve also arranged a consultation with a women’s counsellor.

Don’t feel obliged to answer his messages, just because he asks you a question it doesn’t mean you have to answer

Its none of his business if you had a man stay over in your home ( and that’s how the bed got broken) you wouldn’t ask him if he has women stay over

Only answer childcare related questions from now on

@SaunterOff - comments like 'give it to charity' are made with the best intentions but it just adds ANOTHER thing to your mental load & it sounded like you were looking forward to getting your hammer out.

If it's easier and more satisfying for you to take a hammer to it - do it.

Fair enough if the charity can collect today but don't let guilt make you lose momentum with your plan. I've done this too many times.

You can do this!

I love this carer, what a supporting! Well done for pushing through. Holding that boundary is so tough.
There is also the yellow rock method which is the nicer version which actually might be better suited for you as you have contact in front of the kids.
My therapist told me to remember that every time your ex accuses you, then they've probably done something similar. Everytime your ex name calls, rants, gets angry- it's because you are putting boundaries in place, they are losing control and they don't like it. You've done the right thing muting him and giving yourself peace. Enjoy being bed free. Keep holding those boundaries and don't let him in the house. It is your home your safe space, he has no right to it at all, not even using your child as an excuse.

You’ve made a great start . Stay strong. Ignore his messages. You can take back control.

Are the children at school today? Can you get to a DIY store and buy yourself some paint and dust sheets? While you’re there, get a key lock for your bedroom door so that if Ex is ever in your house again you can lock the bedroom (you could say it’s to keep paint etc away from the kids).

Once you’ve moved the bed, set up the dust sheets and rollers in the bedroom, take a photo and send to Ex- tell him you’ve decided to take the opportunity to spring clean and redecorate the room before buying a new bed.

If his place needs sorting , tell him you’ve decided to can manage the children alongside caters so he can get his home set up over the bank holiday weekend. Going forward he isn’t welcome to stay at your house, and he needs to start having the children at his. He will push back because he wants to continue to use your bed, lech at the young carers, order you to cook his tea, and ensure you never have a life outside of your house. That’s why he’s there- it’s not care continuity for your child, it’s to ensure you can never go out to see friends, family or potential dates.

Well done you. Just repeat, “I
am happy to drop off the DC to yours, you are not welcome to see them at mine anymore.”

If he threatens court “Yes, I think it’s best we arrange things formally from now on”.

Block him on your phone.

Well done OP! Stay strong!

Great news OP. And so pleased to read that the carers are supportive.

It'll no doubt be challenging but you've taken such a massive first step to getting him out of your home for ever.