Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

[SophEll]

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

who said it was "appropriate"? It's a shit chat up line, all chat up lines are anyway.

You don't like it, but what everyone is telling you is that you are over-reacting on a ridiculous level. Move on.

so basically a drunk guy in a pub made what you considered to be inappropriate comments. and you tracked him down to the school he works at and made a complaint? just because he was a teacher?

are you telling me you have never in your entire life had a fantasy about anyone?

you need to get over yourself

Their employer wouldnt be first port of call though would it?

Do you think he actually meant it? I strongly suspect he was pissed and larging it and that when he gets back to school someone will tell him not to be such a dick and then everyone can move on with their lives.

Complete overreaction

God, the state of some women. We've had most so far describing what this man said as a "chat up line" and one even reminding us that some people would actually be flattered by this line, because it means they are considered 'fuckable.'

Wtf is wrong with MN?

OP, take no notice. I would have reported him as well. Saying that to a mum of a student in a bar is NOT normal.

No, but "inappropriate" and "illegal" are very different things.

I don't think one crass remark to a woman he was chatting to in a bar would even meet the threshold for that. It's not a repeated pattern of behaviour; the OP isn't his colleague or employee.

I'm not defending him. He's a dick. But being a bit of a dick in a conversation in a bar isn't a crime.

@turningpoints so you would have tracked him down on the internet and reported him to his employer. What would your email to his employer have said? I'm intrigued to know how you would have worded it and what you would want his employer to do and how you would want them to respond to you?

oh please, unclench.

She is NOT the mum of a student but don't let that stop you. A rubbish chat up line in a bar, he backed off and didn't bother her.

What a crime. Call 999 immediately.

PE Teacher ?

Let's hope no one takes offence at something your husband says and tries to ruin his life.

She isn't the parent of a student. Her child is no longer at the school.

As I said in my other posts - he's a dick, and of course it's a shitty thing to have said. But the fact that he once taught her child is neither here nor there. They no longer have that link because the child has left the school.

I agree tbh. I think he's been drunk and sleazy and yes I'd be disgusted with him but there's absolutely zero indication that he's a risk to children in his workplace. A pain in the arse to women in bars, yes, but nothing an employer could act upon.

I understand you feel creeped out and violated because of how explicit he was especially as you weren't expecting it, but there's really nothing you can do here other than shake it off and avoid him in future which should be easy enough to do.

another who thinks that he sounds like a perv, but he’s not done anything wrong. And he was very drunk, but he was in a bar, talking to another adult. I think if the school have said they won’t enter into any further correspondence on the matter, then you’re on a hiding to nothing.

Would you have contacted his work if he was a gas engineer?

Very much doubt it.

He’s a person in his own right, he’s not owed by the school.

you will be the laughing stock of the break room.

The school aren't wrong at.

Up to you how grossed out you feel by that comment.

You're very naive to think that only "nice" people become, and should be, teachers. And very sheltered. You'd be floored by the reality of what goes on. Teachers are people like everyone else.

I also think you need to drop the innocence. It's really not good for children to be raised by a parent who is so ill-equipped to help them handle the reality of the outside world. And yes, private schools are worse than state for this sort of thing ime.

Do you work?

I think op perhaps doesn't go out much if this is the first time she's experienced sleaze.

He's gross but it's really not the school's issue. He's an adult you're an adult, your child isn't taught by him anymore and doesn't even go to that school so there will be no ongoing contact in a school context.

As a school leader, what do you expect me to do? And when? It’s a real struggle to keep the kids safe. How far can our duties extend? What powers can we use here to support you?

if that's the very worst she ever experiences, she is having a pretty sheltered life indeed 😂

There are two unfortunate consequences from ridiculous behaviour like this.

The first is that along with manyothrr factors, it makes it difficult to recruit head teachers, because schools are expected to be responsible for all of society's ills. As if managing a tight and declining budget; having oversight of teaching, assessment and attainment; leading teaching and admin staff aren't enough, they also have to feed children breakfast, help them clean their teeth, wash school uniform, deal with aggressive parents - and respond to complaints about staff who on a night out get drunk and make a lewd comment.

The second is that it gives us women a bad name - fragile, gutless, flakey. We are all capable of dealing with minor sexual harassment like this when it happens. And we should, not least to show we are not fragile, gutless, flakey. This incident happened in a public place. You were not at risk. Male teachers have the same flaws as other men.

Ruin a person's career and reputation over a drunken comment to another adult? Absurd. Luckily people like you are in the minority

The comment was made outside of school on a night out, by a teacher who taught your child at a school they used to attend, at a non-school event. The school are correct in their response. The incident might show him as a sleaze but it's nothing to do with the school. The comment wasn't made to you in front of a child or towards a child either. Men make sleazy comments unfortunately. Would you be making a complaint to Royal Mail, if this man was your postman at a previous address? Or he was an ex colleague, who you once worked with, would you ring his current employer and complain? You need to put it into perspective. Your husband is correct, you need to stop trying to take this forward.