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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my husband lost his mind?

202 replies

orangesky1 · 30/04/2025 13:23

My husband has decided he wants to go and be a holiday tour leader overseas. With tips, his view is that this would be reasonably well paid.

we have a child in a school. I have a good job. He is deeply unhappy with the day to day life as a parent. We have a really good life but he doesn’t see it that way. This proposal is the only way he can see himself happy.

he wants us to go out there with him. I have said he can do this but he has to go there first by himself and show that it will work. I don’t believe it will, and will not disrupt my child’s life and my career for this whim. The job will involve stints of him being away on tours. I am not averse to moving for a positive financial situation and lifestyle change but to me this is madness. Fine if single, not compatible with being a responsible parent.

I think he is really fundamentally depressed, this depression will not magically disappear once the novelty has worn off

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Motnight · 30/04/2025 13:26

What does he do currently work wise? Has he experience of being a holiday tour leader?

I wouldn't be following my DH overseas in the circumstances that you are in, Op.

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 13:28

What’s his proof/plan for being a successful holiday tour leader? What sort of tours are these? Are they seasonal? Will he be self employed or working for an agency of some sort? If self employed, how does he plan to get bookings when there will already be plenty of other established tour guides with hundreds of positive reviews? Does he have local knowledge of the area? Will he have to work every weekend? Is it an area where you can also be gainfully employed and where your child can be well educated? Will you have to pay for an international school? Will you have to learn a new language? Where will you live - will you be able to afford rent, or to buy? Will you have to buy cars? He is deeply unhappy ‘as a parent’ - why does he think that will that change by moving away and starting over? That will be stressful on a child and you as a couple.

Unless you’ve got millions in the bank I would not be uprooting my life to go with him, and if he went I’d see it as the end of the relationship.

rubyslippers · 30/04/2025 13:30

the way I am reading your situation is that He wants to do it so he can opt out of family life
sunshine won’t improve his participation in raising your child
he is envisioning you say no, stay at home with your child and he can be free of responsibilities

outerspacepotato · 30/04/2025 13:32

This sounds like a wildly unrealistic plan unless he's local to the area. Even then, he's not going to make much.

Gently, I think he needs a mental health evaluation.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/04/2025 13:34

When men come up with these ideas it's usually because they know their wife will not agree and they can then say you broke up the family by not agreeing with him.

He wants to be absolved of having a child/family, I'd say let him go after he's signed divorce papers.

Simplynotsimple · 30/04/2025 13:34

Has he got a history of ‘big ideas’ that often don’t work out? I have ADHD and will decide week in/out that I can do something, but once the reality sets in get bored and move on to the next thing that gives a ‘thrill’. If so, he needs to work out what’s going on with him before trying the latest flag in pan idea. If not, even if this is a big dream that will actually bring happiness - he is a father and has a wife whose life is settled where you are. His plan is selfish in the least so if they have any bases in a real plan it has to be rock solid to give it a try.

OhHellolittleone · 30/04/2025 13:35

But he’d still have to parent overseas. Or maybe he wouldn’t as he’d be on tours. Hmmm. Either way he’s just looking for a way to do less of the daily grind.

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 13:35

rubyslippers · 30/04/2025 13:30

the way I am reading your situation is that He wants to do it so he can opt out of family life
sunshine won’t improve his participation in raising your child
he is envisioning you say no, stay at home with your child and he can be free of responsibilities

Agree. He’s picked an outrageous ‘plan’ - he knows OP won’t go and doesn’t want her to. He wants out of family life and is disguising it as an ‘opportunity’ rather than just admitting he wants to leave.

Candlesandmatches · 30/04/2025 13:35

This sounds like an attempt to escape his unhappiness. Personally I wouldn’t go. But he is free too and you and DC will visit for weekends/short holidays.
If he has any sense he will miss you both.
Ultimately ppl tend to do what that want. Express your reservations but don’t ‘stop’ him.
I hope he figures himself out

Simplynotsimple · 30/04/2025 13:36

Honestly though, it reads like he’s having a midlife crisis and wants to go out to these young ‘uns holidays spots thinking he’ll be a party boy again. But that’s just my opinion.

dogcatkitten · 30/04/2025 13:36

If he's depressed he's not going to be the cheerful helpful tour rep that he will need to be. Actually leading a tour is hard work, you are expected to know everything about everything (learn up all the history scenery etc in advance) and be able to solve everyone's problems big and small, from I left my book on a bus to I've lost all my papers, passport visas and everything, usually for very little thanks. While the guests are relaxing after a busy day you are sorting out all the problems that have come up that day.

SadCarpetMess · 30/04/2025 13:40

I think he doesn't want to be with you any more or your child. He's just too cowardly to say so.

Profhilodisaster · 30/04/2025 13:43

Does he mean a holiday rep ? Like the ones that meet you at the airport and hold the meet and greet sangria morning so they can flog you overpriced excursions?

welcometonewyorkitsbeenwaitingforyou · 30/04/2025 13:44

Hahaha wouldn’t we all like a job like that as an escape from reality? However most of us grow up at some point, and realise it’s not practical, especially if you have a wife and children. He has indeed lost his mind and is having a massive wobble about boring middle aged life. Cheaper alternative would be a campervan you can all use to make life less boring at weekends?

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 30/04/2025 13:46

You don’t sound at all unreasonable, OP. Is your husband typically a restless sort?

My ex was, and it was an exhausting way to live. I constantly felt like his unhappiness was a threat to my stability and I never felt ‘safe’ from the next big idea that would definitely be the one to make him happy.

In the end he channelled it all into sex workers and drugs, hence why he’s an ex. It was only after our separation that he went to get the therapy and antidepressants I’d always thought he needed.

I’m not sure what the best way to deal with this is but you have my sympathy.

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/04/2025 13:46

He doesn't want to face up to the reality of actual life with parenting and drudge and work and repeat.

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 13:48

Profhilodisaster · 30/04/2025 13:43

Does he mean a holiday rep ? Like the ones that meet you at the airport and hold the meet and greet sangria morning so they can flog you overpriced excursions?

😂I was reading it more along the lines of the tour guides who lead trekking / cycling trips for groups (with the OPs comment about him being away on tours for periods of time).

I might be wrong though and he might be wanting to try his hand as an 18-30 club rep 😀

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 30/04/2025 13:48

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/04/2025 13:46

He doesn't want to face up to the reality of actual life with parenting and drudge and work and repeat.

I suspect this is an accurate summary. Life is hard and boring with small kids, so you get your head down and make whatever small and realistic adjustments as you can to make you a bit happier.

limegreenheart · 30/04/2025 13:59

Where is "out there"? Does he have a specific place in mind, and does he know that place well enough to add significant value as a tour guide? I'd be really wary of relying on tips, especially as the international economy stands now. Assuming he'll be working for an organisation, use his actual salary as a baseline for planning (not projected intake including tips, perks, and bonuses) and make sure he's guaranteed a certain number of hours. If he's going freelance, it's not a great time to be just starting to build a following without guaranteed work.

Would you and your child, as well as him, be able to live, work, and study legally and long-term in the new country? Are the schools suitable for your child or would you potentially be incurring costs enrolling them in an English-language school? Does your career translate to the new country and do you have the qualifications and language skills, or can you continue your current job remotely and is that legal to do? What are the tax implications? Health care and other benefits? There are a lot of logistical considerations here. Not at all unreasonable to take a cautious approach.

VirgosNeedGoals · 30/04/2025 14:01

What an absolute prat

TheGreyQuail · 30/04/2025 14:04

Another thought, even if you were to say yes let's go for it, would he change his mind not to go?
Also, if you all went if he is checking out of family life, it might not be long before an affair looms on the horizon. You are stuck in a foreign country with dc until you can get back home and getting a possible divorce.

Agapornis · 30/04/2025 14:05

Has he led any tour, ever? It's a far more competitive market than he seems to think. If he doesn't have any qualifications, you should suggest that he pursues those here e.g. blue badge, outdoor pursuits trip leader/instructor etc. E.g. British Cycling offer MTB qualifications. https://www.britishcycling.org.uk/mtbleadership

If he doesn't think he needs qualifications, please remind him of the not qualified paddleboard instructor sentenced to 10 years for gross negligence manslaughter.

(Obviously this is only practicalities - he's essentially abandoning you and wanting you to give up everything, which is never okay)

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Everything you need to know about becoming a British Cycling Moutain Bike Leader with our leadership awards.

https://www.britishcycling.org.uk/mtbleadership

Muffinmam · 30/04/2025 14:07

It sounds like the two of you are going to split up.

What tourists would want their guide to be a middle aged British man??

dudsville · 30/04/2025 14:07

He's having a mid life crisis. Fearing dying without having lived out some dream. I wouldn't uproot in those circumstances.

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 14:08

Just to add a (hopefully) constructive element to this OP.

A friend of mine is a guide in India / Nepal and runs treks / expeditions into the mountains. Not sure if this is what your DH wants to do but he might want to look into it a bit more if so as you can't just arrive in another country and start doing tours!!!

You have to have a visa, permits, insurance and a multitude of other documents including references from doing something similar previously. There are also multiple health assessments and other checks. You can't just start doing guided tours with absolutely no experience because you are bored with being a parent!!!

Apologies if this isn't what he means though and is - as others have said - wanting to be a holiday rep at an all inclusive 😂