To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

Why can’t you help? Regardless of what your stepfather is or isn’t doing.

I’m not saying you should but why can’t you?

Can carers come in to help?
Is your grandad wearing decent pads to help with the incontinence?
Is there a mattress protector and puppy pads under his bottom area to help prevent waste going everywhere?

Your poor mum. No one is stepping up to help her. Can you imagine how she feels taking it on alone whilst you all squabble about getting out of helping?

I would have helped my mum, and I have helped in these circumstances. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, YABU I’m afraid.

But why? Looking after someone who is dying is hard. Really hard. If your mum needs help and you can give it, why wouldn't you?

This is about your grandad having a clean bed and you mum having help. Its not to do with your step dad and how much help he is giving or not.

If you're not able to help that's different. But you've not said that.

Kindness in dark times goes a long way.

Get a grip and help out FFS

All you can do is decide what your own boundaries are and what help you are willing and able to do. It's not your place to criticise others for not doing what you think they should be doing.

My mum uses these. She gets some from the continence service but they won't give her the highest absorbency so she orders from amazon

https://www.amazon.co.uk/stores/page/4BFB3E60-FA95-4D82-9779-AA91EF5AFBBD?ingress=2&visitId=ab2c47bf-fb4d-4483-9e74-b3356edfadaf&storeref=blastdpbrandLogosto&ref=astbln

Has he been seen by the continence team? You shouldn't all have to struggle by yourself

Her dad is dying. The last thing she needs is you lot squabbling over petty issues. Step up.

Good grief, he's in his final stages of life, it's hardly a lifetime commitment. Support your mum, regardless of what anyone else is doing. As PP have said, make sure he has adequate pads etc to minimise the leakage, but other than that, grow up and step up.

Sounds Like a need to carers to come in and help rather than purely family. But also looking at his continence arrangements - I know from experience this isn’t a silver bullet but the right continence pants make a big difference. Also large puppy pads strategically placed underneath him can help.

Your mother is 70 years old, her father is dying, she’s changing his bedsheets and she asked you for help and you said no , shame on you.

I guess it’s classed as women’s work hey? No reason that this should fall on op. Her step dad should be helping out. I’m my mum’s carer and get fuckbsll help from the rest of the very able family and it’s breaking me et times. I’d have helped this time but told my mum that she needs to get help from others too.

I think I would help as much as I could, obviously that might be limited if you have work or children to look after yourself.

I do understand that’s its frustrating if there are other family members not helping though. When my Nan was ill my mum did the majority of the care, her 5 siblings did next to nothing and I did resent helping when they couldn’t be bothered to.

Your mother is 70 years old so presumably you're a fully grown, possibly middle aged adult, and you won't help her out? Shame on you. Regardless of the sexist situation your mother finds herself in, somebody has to do it, the man's dying ffs.

@NimbleBee

Your Mum could buy a couple of these washable bed pads, would be easier all round.

Wtf? Your poor mum needs HELP from anyone and everyone. Your stepfather should help, sure, but so should you. Now is not the time for squabbling. Just help your mother ffs. There's no mention of genuine reasons why you can't in your OP, so yes, YABU, as is your stepfather.

It's also feasible that your grandad would prefer your stepdad not to help, not sure if that's relevant in these circumstances or not but in my family I know my dad would rather die than have another unrelated man help. Either way, help your mother then when it's all over deal with any unfairness then.

Why isn’t her husband helping? My gut feeling is she’s clearly struggling and she needs you so unless you really can’t do it you should. But equally her husband presumably lives in the same house and should want to help his wife and it’s not your job to compensate for him not bothering.

You’ve not said why you’ve decided to step back.

Maybe OP works full time and has other commitments? She’s already changed the bedding twice this week and it’s Wednesday morning, so presumably her mum expects her to come round every day and change the sheets while her husband sunbathes. If that’s the case I can see why she has refused.

No it isn't woman's work, but why would you choose to actively make your mother's life harder? Assuming you are close to her emotionally and physically.

Your mum is not a young woman and is looking after a presumably extremely frail elderly father. Help her out.

My dad was dying when my DS was 6, I don’t like to shame you but even he helped out with a lot of things and saw things a 6 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. He’s your grandfather, that’s your mum, there’s a lot of difficulties during someone’s final days/weeks, and hell at times a lot of resentment over who helps and who doesn’t, but at the end of it you can hold your head high knowing you did the best for your grandad and your mum and made those difficult times a little bit easier and comfortable. Don’t make it harder. Think about your future too and if you were in that position.

This is the saddest thing I've read in a while. Your poor mum is losing her dad and you're moaning like a teenager having to clean their room. Grow up and show some compassion. What her husband does is up to him, you can help her but don't want to...shame on you.

So you are choosing not to help your poor mother, who is trying to cope with the physical and emotional toll of caring for her dying father, and is not receiving any practical support from her husband. And you expect support and sympathy?

Your stepfather being unhelpful doesn’t mean you get a pass for also being unhelpful. If you love your mother I would have thought you’d want to help and support her however you could at this difficult time.

Why couldn’t you help? Jeez I’d have helped a stranger in these circumstances, let alone my struggling mom.

what your step dad does or doesn’t do is irrelevant to your decision not to help.

your poor mom.