To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

There are others who could help but aren’t. It’s obviously a tough job. It’s not up to the op to just get on with it whilst others feel ok to have avoided clearing up after double incontinence.

You sound completely heartless and lacking in empathy. I can’t imagine refusing to help out with anyone who was looking after a dying loved one, let alone my own granddad.

I hear you and support your decision.

I changed my mother's bedding last year and helped with her toilet requirements until it got too much, lifting her in and out, so she got a catheter inserted.

My brother, her primary carer, didn't want to do it and I respected his decision.

What I would say is this cannot continue with regards to the double incontinence.

Please seek help from the GP practice and contact Age UK as well.

You can help in other ways such as making meals, hanging the washing, tumble drying and making the bed with fresh clean sheets.

Seek extra help. Best wishes to you and your mum.

Quite.

YANBU op, you've already helped or been helping, we don't know your circumstances and your step father prioritising having a sunsoak would rile me up also.

Both you and your step father should be helping your poor mother. End of.

Shit men shirking their responsibilities doesn't mean you should hide behind feminism to watch other women struggle.

Is this because the op is female? Why shouldn’t other family care as well?

He’s not a dog ffs.

@SmoothRoads quite, OP has already done way more than the stepdad by the sound of things. Why is the view women need to do everything? OP lm assuming has her reasons. For example l wouldn't be assisting my mum much in this situation as l don't live close, work full time, have 2 under 2 and a recently diagnosed chronic condition

Well, I suppose you've helped out a couple of times...but I'm embarrassed at the idea that your poor mum actually asked for help and was then refused. She must have been desperate before she got to the stage of asking.

I was my late husband's carer. There was only an issue of changing bedding and so on if he became ill on top of his chronic condition and I did everything myself. (At one point I was working full time and also caring for my mother - but I did have carers coming in to help with her.)

The one time that I turned to family for help was when I was waiting for test results - I'd had bad news following two tests and had to wait three months for the next one, so started to put things in order, just in case.

I phoned DH's daughter to let her know that if anything happened to me that she and her brother would have to organise care for their dad. Her response? "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

3 months later, I got the all clear from the doctor. I phoned the daughter to let her know, but reiterated that if anything happened to me, her dad would need care. I didn't expect the kids to do the hands on stuff themselves. I knew that there was no chance of that. I just wanted someone to advocate for DH.

Her response this time was "But you're all right, aren't you?" I never forgot and I never asked anything of her again.

Your mum won't forget, OP.

Imagine it was you lying in that bed, would you want someone to step up and make you comfortable? Allow you your dignity?

You can’t expect help if you are not prepared to give help.

The fury at a woman not wanting to do the labour while it’s accepted from a man

your mother has capacity - she can get her shitty husband to help her

I notice the replies from people who've done this for a family member themselves are the ones saying no, while other posts are being pious about care and compassion and how they'd do it for a stranger if asked (sorry, don't believe you and I would like to see how you'd actually react if a random person asked for this). Talk is easy and everyone's got an opinion when it's not them being expected to clean up shit on the floor for nothing alongside their job, existing family and everything else. Like the easy assumptions to about 'he's dying, it won't be for long'. Elderly people can be 'dying' for years. OP is free to say she can't do this.

They should. They’re arseholes so they’re not doing. They’re disgusting.

It’s her mum, her mums on her own, she should help her.

I would help your mum and grandad and I’m not even related. Step up for gods sake.

And please stop referring to ‘puppy pads’. This is a grown human being we’re talking about, not a fucking dog. Show some respect.

What is the time scale OP? This stage can last for quite some time, if your mum is struggling I’d be encouraging her to look into professional care, either residential or an agency to come to your home? It’s a lot to expect of her. Don’t underestimate the toll this can have on a family.
Personally i wouldn't want my family caring for me.

Unless there is a huge backstory or other full time commitments that mean you're unable to help, put aside your clear resentment of your Step Dad for now.

Have an adult discussion with your Mum about how much help you can provide and if you can offer support in other ways such as speaking with the GP about a care referral to support your Grandfather.

I can't imagine refusing any help in the situation you describe OP but unless you can give more context you are coming across as very unreasonable.

YABU. Stepdad is being maybe more unreasonable of he's angry at you but not doing it himself. 2 wrongs don't make a right tho. YA (both) BU . Your poor mum.

So if women don’t do all the caring work and shit clearing up they can’t expect help in ill health and/old age? Do you follow this ethic in your life?

No, he's not - but professional carers often advise families to buy puppy pads as extra mattress protectors. (They're cheaper than the ones that you buy for patients from specialist companies and families are advised to use them above the mattress protectors.)

The first time someone suggested them for my mother, I was taken aback.

I don't advise them for various reasons - apart from anything else, the specialist variety are bigger and don't have to be overlapped the same way.

HER MUM IS NOT ON HER OWN

there is another person in the house - but he’s a male

has your mother asked your step father?

I am really sorry your Mum and yourself is going through this, have had experience with this last year with MIL, so I can empathise, it’s difficult. I understand you are frustrated with your Step Dad, but could not leave my Mum to struggle. It is up to your Mum to ask him to help her.

Previous posters have already mentioned, but to help cut down down on the washing you need a mattress protector, washable or disposable mattress pads (the ones branded puppy/pet are cheaper) and incontinence pads.

There must be a back story here. My MIL recently passed away - she did have a carer but DH said on a couple of occasions he had to assist with personal care - (changing pad), but he and his brother said they weren't going to do it as a matter of course because it didn't feel 'right' to them and she did have carers to do all that.
There are definitely good pads out there that shouldn't necessitate changing bedcovers too often.
If your mum has asked for help and she's 70, you must be at least 30-odd so not a child and can help on occasion.

I know right! How dare she have boundaries and not feed into letting a man opt out