To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

Your poor, poor mother. She deserves better than her husband and she deserves better than you.

@PineappleChicken
Hi,
They recommend to use puppy pads rather than ‘human’ incontinence pads as they are a fraction of the cost and work better. PP are not being flippant by using that term

These are the type my mum used for the 20+ years of carers and continence issues

www.capatexcare.co.uk/kylie-sheets-washable-bed-

Is it literally just changing the bedding which would take two adults five minutes?
Unless you live a two hour round trip from your grandad and you mum and stepdad live down the road I think you are being unreasonable.

I hope he can get some carers to come in? That level of need can't be met by a single elderly lady.
As other say, contact the continence service locally. They can give advice and products to help keep him clean and dry.

It's not fair for either of your parents or you to have to do this type of personal care on your own. So please employ a care agency.

Or it could be that unfortunately it's better off for him to be in a care home or hospice for the last part of his life.

Can you contact adult social services?

I would get this moved to the Elderly Parents topic.They are very helpful.

It depends if he can move off the bed or not and it's likely to be pissy/shitty bedding and will involve a wash down of the grandad. It is not a quick or easy job.

What’s your reasoning for not wanting to help her? I imagine she’s finding it very painful to watch her father die and is struggling with not only the emotional side of that, but the practicalities too.
In your position, I’d be helping.

My sister had District nurses and continence services involved to get my mum sorted with pads and carers.

Oh, and I'm another who nursed a parent to the end and changed the bedding three times a day at least, and I'm also saying that sometimes you have to do the right thing whether it suits you or not.

Also thinking about safe and comfortable moving and handling, skin integrity etc

a professional review would be sensible

This. You are doing this out of love for your mum, first and foremost. Forget the others. Whatever you don't do, she has to do alone. Poor poor her.

Sounds like there needs to be a rota set up between the family, unless outside carers can be brought in!

Im not sure why your step dad was annoyed with you if unwilling to help himself.

But equally it’s unfair on your Mum if no one helps her.

just help your mum out . Heaven forbid u may need help someday .

No it most certainly isn't with a doubly incontinent very elderly and frail person.

@NimbleBee please seek help from agencies. This can't continue and your mum is being unreasonable asking you to help. Ignore the lazy bastard sunbather. He's doing that to wind you up.

And wouldn’t it be more dignified for your grandad if there was a man to help him wash etc? Ie someone of the same sex, your step dad, or if your Mum has brothers.

Your mum is 70 herself and doing her best to care for her dad. Are you going to say no when it's her dying and she needs help getting changed. Why is it you don't want to help is your grandfather an awful person, do you not get along with your mother or you just can't be bothered?

There's simply not enough information to criticise as we have no idea if she's unemployed and living in the same house, or 150 miles away working full time.

This thread is so predictable. A retired man in good health is berating a young woman for not changing another man’s bedding and the women of MN are rallying behind him.

OP, the median age of the average woman on AIBU is 60, they expect all younger women to serve them and their men.

Well done for saying no, your mum needs to get partner to step up.

I would try and get the GP to refer to the local hospice who can help with end of life care in your own home. Almost certainly entitled to carers in this situation who can help with changing bedlinen but the hospice will know the quickest way to get help. I looked after a loved one who had a stroke and was entitled to hospice help as my loved one was extremely vulnerable. It was a life safer not least a 24 hour helpline. You really aren’t expected to do all this at end of life.

I was 63 when lifting my very unsteady mum in and out of the bed, by this time carers were in for personal wash and cream only and mum had a proper hospital type bed by then.

Family helped with getting the care needed. I was happy doing that for her until it became too dangerous and she got the catheter.

She was end of life though but in own home.

I’m sorry but this is awful.

Regardless of whether your step Dad is being useless.

If my mum asked me for help at such a difficult time I would help her without question.

Absolutely this. Dear God what the hell is wrong with people, just help your Mum.

Everyone should have a care plan in place that doesn’t rely on their children. There is too much expectation placed on women to be carers.

Why shouldn’t male family do the helping? Is it something you think to be women’s work only?