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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

667 replies

NimbleBee · 30/04/2025 09:30

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Anon765898 · 30/04/2025 09:56

Most of the comments on here are criticising you yet at the minute 36% are saying YANBU…
personally I wouldn’t do it, your mum has decided she will deal with it but she has no right to force you to. And if her husband is so bloody concerned then maybe he should help her.

ohwhatadustyanswer · 30/04/2025 09:57

One day that might be you needing someone to help you clean up after your mum. And one day it might be you who is incontinent and needs your bedding changed, ideally by people who love you and don’t do it with resentment.

2chocolateoranges · 30/04/2025 09:57

I’d help my mum bury a body if she needed my help! 😂

it’s only changing a bed!

Berlinlover · 30/04/2025 09:58

I feel so sorry for your mum, you are being exceptionally unreasonable.

justkeepswimingswiming · 30/04/2025 09:59

As someone who looked after their mother in law who was doubly incontient and had to wash all the sheets multiple times a day for months on end and ended up having a house that looked like a dry cleaners, while her daughter watched but didn’t help - YANBU.
I would never do it again for anyone other than my own kids.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/04/2025 10:00

Your poor mum, sadly a lot of women in their late 60s/70 are expected to do this with aging parents, while carrying out childcare duties for grandchildren.

I hope he has a care plan, someone to help your DM, changing soiled bedclothes isn't nice but clearly the person who soiled them isn't capable of clearing up, that is when compassion comes in.

My beautiful sister is a palliative care carer, she gets so much from ensuring a clients dignity is upheld.

Flossflower · 30/04/2025 10:00

OneQuirkyPanda · 30/04/2025 09:53

Maybe OP works full time and has other commitments? She’s already changed the bedding twice this week and it’s Wednesday morning, so presumably her mum expects her to come round every day and change the sheets while her husband sunbathes. If that’s the case I can see why she has refused.

Yes, good comment. Maybe OP work, has her own family. If this is too much for her Mum they should get in carers. It is very good for OPs mum to take this on but she should not keep asking her daughter. Lazy step father.

JoyousEagle · 30/04/2025 10:01

I’d help if I could, around work and children, realistically that may not be as much as someone might want me to be able to do. I wouldn’t not help just because I felt someone else should. It’s not clear why you aren’t helping.

I wouldn’t take any grief from someone else who wasn’t helping though.

Penko25 · 30/04/2025 10:02

Your poor mum. She’s 70, looking after her dying father. Just help her fgs.

Figgygal · 30/04/2025 10:03

You're as bad as anyone you criticise for not helping
Of course you should help

Chellybelle · 30/04/2025 10:06

It's one of those things that you're not obligated to do but really, you should unless there's some big backstory. It's nice when families can pull together to help each other out. It's not fair for your mum to do it all on her own.

user1492757084 · 30/04/2025 10:06

Op, step up and help. Say YES when your Mum asks but also research so that your Grandad is using the best sheet protectors, mattress protectors and sanitary products.

Also help your Mum set up procedures to help visiting nurse bathe Grandad - so that the house stays as fresh as can be and Grandad is clean.

Can you use a laundromat - washers and dryers and purchase more sets of sheets? Set up NappySan bucket for sheets and a rubbish collection bin for Grandad's nappies.

preimenopauserulesmylife · 30/04/2025 10:06

I'd help if it was me, but obviously it is completely your choice.

Sometimes we have to do things that are hard for us. I'm a carer to my severely disabled son, and believe it's no fun changing the incontinence pad of a 14 year old, but I don't think twice about it because I love him and I would move the earth for him.

I understand it's a slightly different situation, because it's your elderly Grandad, but I would still lend a hand.

CarrotVan · 30/04/2025 10:07

It’s not unreasonable to say you can’t help but you probably should try to understand WHY you’re saying that and see if you’re still comfortable with your decision.

you might say you can’t help because:

  1. death and dying freaks you out
  2. you hate or resent your grandfather
  3. you’re really squeamish about personal care
  4. you think your step dad should help first
  5. you don’t have time
  6. you told your mum in advance you wouldn’t be able to help and suggested carers and she still took this on
  7. you hate or resent your mum
  8. you are selfish
  9. You think your mum shouldn’t be doing this and are trying to make it difficult
  10. it always seems to need doing when you have another commitment
  11. it always needs doing when you’ve just settled down with a glass of wine and Celebrity Love Island
  12. you are really stretched by other things and at breaking point

and probably loads of others. But some are better reasons than others and some should lead you to take a long hard look at yourself

you need to be comfortable with the decision you make and posting on here indicates you aren’t

Genevieva · 30/04/2025 10:07

Your poor mother.

HeartyViper · 30/04/2025 10:07

Why wouldn’t you help? My mum died prematurely last year, she was 61. It was horrific and caring is so so hard. We all helped as much as we could. Yes it wasn’t nice, but it was even worse for her to have her family doing personal care, but for her dignity and to take the stress off our dad who was already going through his worst time, we all did what we could and when we could.
YABVU. Quit moaning and help your poor mum whose dad is dying, or help solicit other help if you don’t want to do it.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/04/2025 10:08

Honestly, even if I hated my grandfather I'd do i'd for my mother fo support her and lighten her load if I could.

You are being asked for short term support its not like 3 months or so is going to turn into 5 years...

I'd also swing by dunelm and buy 3 or 4 matress protectors which could be stacked on the bed so they can just be whipped off in an emergency/ to make it easier at night as then there is already a new set underneath and I'd pick up some nice food and snacks for the house.
It must be incredibly hard for your mum.
And I'd be heartbroken if my children did this to me in 20 years.

For the record I have a 3 and 1 year old and work full time. Unless there is serious backstory missing beyond "my sister/brother is lazy and THEY aren't helping when they could" then yabvu.

Westfacing · 30/04/2025 10:09

Help your mother with your dying granddad - argue the toss with your lazy-arse stepfather afterwards.

ACynicalDad · 30/04/2025 10:10

When I was about 14 I didn’t do something for a very old grandparent, 30+ years on I still regret. One day you may grow up and regret this (but I guess you aren’t a young teen).

HeartyViper · 30/04/2025 10:11

Flossflower · 30/04/2025 10:00

Yes, good comment. Maybe OP work, has her own family. If this is too much for her Mum they should get in carers. It is very good for OPs mum to take this on but she should not keep asking her daughter. Lazy step father.

Show quote history

‘Getting in carers’ isn’t as simple as that though. Social care is non existent and can take weeks to set up. Lots of families can’t afford private care. It’s not fair, but expected that families step in and help.
I couldn’t watch my parent struggle caring for anyone, but that’s me.

andweallloveclover · 30/04/2025 10:12

Yes its his wife but its YOUR mum!!!! How could you be so selfish as to not want to help her? Hideous.

Stop being mardy about what other people are, or are not, doing and go be there and help your Mum!! Her Father is dying FFS and she needs help. Have some bloody compassion and give her a hand. Last thing she needs right now is you two squabbling like children. Step up!

RareGoalsVerge · 30/04/2025 10:12

Of course you shouldn't have to do this. Frankly, neither should your mum. Yanbu to say no. If your grandad doesn't have assets sufficient to pay for the care he needs then he gets a needs assessment and the appropriate care is provided. If he does have the assets sufficient to sepf-fund his care needs, and family members choose to do the work themselves to avoid that money being spent, then that is within the choice of each individual. Your mum can step away and refuse to provide this service.

chattychatchatty · 30/04/2025 10:14

For your DM’s sake I’d like to think you’d help. Your SD should be helping too, of course, but maybe he never changed a nappy either. It’s really about your Mum and what she needs from you. You could leave her to it I suppose but it must be a very emotional and difficult time for her. I get that it must be a difficult and unpleasant job - I feel for all of you.

MrsMappFlint · 30/04/2025 10:14

Tourmalines · 30/04/2025 09:43

Your mother is 70 years old, her father is dying, she’s changing his bedsheets and she asked you for help and you said no , shame on you.

This. This. This.

ThursdayWaitingForChocolate · 30/04/2025 10:14

Why are you all piling on the OP? She hasn't stated the reason why she can no longer help. Work, her own family/children. It's only fair that the whole family step up.