To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

Don't worry about what others do, tgars not yoyr concern. You do what you think is the right thing to do. Personally, I would help my mum..

I feel so sorry for your Mum. Both you, and your step father sound awful. I agree that your step father is a lazy sod, but you can't do anything about his behaviour. You can do something about yours though. Your Mum will be going through a physically, mentally, and emotionally gruelling time. Please do anything you can to support her, and stop worrying about what your step father is (or isn't) doing.

Yes, he should. And your family should be helping you. But if he won’t, is that a good reason for OP to also not help?

Really can't believe OP's taking this stand, it's your older dm looking after your dying grandfather , her dad, and you aren't helping anymore?
You need to hope you aren't in your grandfathers situation one day. I've worked in agency nursing terminal care, it's hard work but each patient is a human being even if they are up to their eyes in shit. You roll your sleeves up get on with it.

100% this!!!!+

What a wonderful thing your Mum is doing taking care of her Dad in his final months, that must be so difficult for her; practically and emotionally. YABVU not to help if you are able. Don't focus on what other people are doing; they will have to live with themselves.

Wow. How about a little bit of care and compassion? You are correct, she has no right to force anyone. It’s just helping her mum to change a bed for a (presumably) cherished family member. Staggeringly selfish attitude

This in buckets

Of course it should be you. Females should do ALL the donkey work. Step dad is too busy and important to do stuff like that

Has your mum spoken to Social Care to see if they are eligible for any support ? You might be able to get a morning / evening visit to help with these things. They also might be able to help ensure he has the right pads etc

Exactly! Fucking hell, let's hope the OP doesn't need people to look after her when she is old and infirm.

YABU. Do it to help your mum ffs.

God you sound like my brother.
”Well they’re not helping so why should I…”

Help your Mother ffs.

It's not about being male or female. We can only control our own behaviour - just because her SD is a lazy bastard it doesn't mean the OP should be leaving her poor Mum to manage on her own.

It must be really hard for your mum to help her own dad and you’re refusing to help her?

You're right that it shouldn't just be you helping, if there are others who could be helping.

It's okay not to help if you are working full time, have your own caring responsibilities, distance, etc.

But if you could be helping and aren't just because no one else is, that's pretty poor behaviour.

Your mum needs help. If you are available, you should help. If you can't because of unavailability, you need to be clear about this to the others who could be helpung. You can also send a rocket up others who could be helping but aren't, but if you're not doing your part when you could, it will look a bit hypocritical- that doesn't excuse them, though.

End of life care is hard, though, and your mum needs help from someone, whether it's you, other family members or professional carers, and someone needs to sort that out.

Make a daily rota with jobs that the family can sign up to do. If they don’t sign up they can pay for a carer to do the work on a day of their choice. If no one signs up then it’s a carer divided by the family members.

Wow!!!

Would your dying, double incontinent gradfather be calm with your step father helping or did your Mum ask you , beacuse you are her daugher and she thought you would help her? Jesus, it was very mean to decline if you could have helped. The guy is dying. Helping will be temporary.

This in abundance!

I can´t believe the general sentiment on this thread. OP has been helping her mother, multiple times a week. It's her lazy ass husband, who presumably lives there, who is letting his wife struggle. Yet OP has to do even more, although she already said she can´t do more.

What is this world coming to for women? We are running backwards. No wonder fewer and fewer women are willing to have children. This is what they would be damning their daughters to.

Just pray that there is someone to look after you when your time comes.

I wouldn't want to do that, and can see why a step- son in law would not feel comfortable doing it. Likewise I doubt your grandpa would want him to.

Either family help your mum, or you help arrange help for her/grandpa. It isn't fair on either of them otherwise.

Your poor mum. And grandpa too obviously

I'm a carer so that probably changes my opinion. I've looked after hundreds of people both terminal and otherwise. I've also looked after my own grandparents (as a single mum, working full time in care) and I will say looking after family is a whole different ball game. It is all consuming, sometimes it can take away from the relationship you once had. That's not to say I won't do it when the time comes for my two remaining grandparents, to me it is an honor and a privilege. But I understand why people feel they can't.

Are carers an option? To give your mum some time back as a daughter rather than a carer?

Also, is your grandfather receiving the correct continence aids for him? The NHS will provide 4 for 24hrs (which is usually nowhere near enough but it may help).

I don't think being so harsh on your stepdad will help. What will help is suggestions of other support for your mum. If she chooses not to accept help from other people that's her choice if course but speaking with her about options may be really helpful.

This. Be the bigger person and help your mum. This is probably hell for her.
You can call your step dad all the things you like but keep them in your head for now, it’s not the time.

I was in this exact situation a few years ago, My mum did everything and I was guilt tripped so much by the rest of the family that I ended up helping my mum with both her parents for years (none of her siblings would help, I'm the only female grandchild and none of the others helped either just ALL left to me and my mum, the words 'this is just what women do' was used a few times, I ended up looking after both Grandparents through terminal cancer for almost four years including changing their pads, I get where you are coming from about the step dad and it's nothing to do with you not wanting to help.. I watched the male members of my family going to football matches, going on holiday as i was changing their parents pads, the more I did the more that was expected.

I ended up having a breakdown after watching my grandad pass away in horrible pain, when I called one of his sons to let him know he had died he shouted at me for calling because the time I called wasn't a good time for him.

I now have no family years later because I can't look at any of them the same way. it's not about the pads it was the watching us struggle and not even offering to pick up a pint of milk to help out. The one time my mum begged her brothers for some help she was told she was selfish for asking.

I had the same conversation with my mum that as his grand daughter I didn't want to be seeing him naked or changing his pads when the rest of the grandkids were getting on with their normal lives not having to see what I was seeing. the entire thing changed me as a person, i kept getting these thoughts in my head that out of all the people i know i never knew anyone that did what I was doing, then I was going to go through the same with my own parents, it caused a lot of anger in me that is still there, resented everyone else in my family for getting on with their lives like nothing was happening. it's not about the pads it's about if you don't help your mum then who will? it's either help or she does it herself, this should not be on grandkids.

It's actually pretty awful to care for a dying parent pretty much alone and feel that no one else really gives a shit. Physically exhausting and very distressing. Give your mother some support FFS, and put your stepfather straight while you're at it.