To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

How mean not to help your DM and DGF.

I can completely understand why you don't want to do it. It's not nice to see a grandparent like that. Obviously not nice for your mum either but presumably she made the choice to look after him and so she shouldn't rely on you to do the same. Why can't she ask other family to help? Why is all on your mum (and you)?
I think it's fine to set boundaries. It's not like you haven't helped at all. Perhaps it's time for your mum to get carers in if she's struggling.

If your Grandad is on EOL care then I think this is a pull up your big girl pants scenerio. Your stepdad being unable or unwilling to help shouldn't have any influence on you doing the right thing by your Mum and Grandad. Your conscience will be clear and you will harbour no guilt, when it comes round to the funeral the extended family will be bickering and point scoring. But you will sit safe in the knowledge that you did your best.

My mum uses puppy pads and is not a dog! It's a way of protecting the bed so don't be so booody self righteous. FFS to you too!

Is this because you think it’s women’s work? Why shouldn’t other family members help? Would you refuse to use these pads?

?? That’s the point of my post.

Why so hung up on puppy pads being used? It's a valid item to use to protect bedding. My mum uses them!

Do you apply that to the male family member/s who aren’t helping or just to the female op?

@5128gap Letting them shirk their responsibilities and feeding into it is a big part of the problem. It's not only feminism, it's mainly fairness. OP has already assisted this week by the sound of it. Maybe she's burned out from her own caring responsibilities elsewhere and / or has her own health issues. Possibly she thinks carers or a hospice is more suitable but has been shouted down. Maybe she's suggested a family rota which was either declined or people aren't doing their "shift".

Exactly this. Honestly grow up OP.

The OP can make whatever decisions she wants as long as she can live with the afterwards. I never did personal care for my parents but I made sure they got excellent professional care and could fund it. And I’m fine with that decision.

Personal care is hard. Personal care for relatives is harder because it affects your relationships. The OP’s mum’s CHOICE to provide this care was made by her for her, not the OP.

Maybe you oilfield contact Mc millen for advice and support as this is such a difficult time for your mum and grandad. I cannot understand why you are not willing to support then too?

Absolutely agree with this.

OP you have the right to say yes or no to helping your DM help for her DF. It's entirely up to you if you wish to help ease the burden for your DM or wish to make your DGF more comfortable. Your choice. Frustrating to hear that your DM's husband isn't willing to help her but that doesn't mean the burden of help falls on your shoulders.

Time and time again, we see on here, when parents are 'demanding' this, that and everything and PP's always comment 'Don't they know you have boundaries?!!?!? I wouldn't be doing that' blah blah blah. Now all of a sudden it's the complete opposite!

And I say this from having a parent on EoL care for 3 years now. Doubly incontinent, unable to walk etc. So I know how hard it gets and how much I'm prepared to do now because it's nearly broken me but hey! it seems every other PP on here seems to think you should sacrifice everything and drop everything to help your DM...which by the way, is her choice to do it.

Oh and the random one on here who would do it for a stranger...can you pop in to my parents every day for me; give me a break? Thanks so much...🙄

My dad - God bless him - stepped up and helped when my mum was caring for her uncle. (His nieces and nephews were her closest relatives.)

It is shitty of the stepdad not to step up, I agree. However, I couldn't have refused if my mum had asked me for help.

In the end, I did the needful for my parents and my husband. I never expected my husband's adult children to do the hands on work, but it would have been nice if I'd been able to rely on them very occasionally just to sit with him for an afternoon to give me a break or to visit when he was in hospital.

It would have been doable for them. One was freelance and WFH; the other retired very early. They chose not to. Entirely up to them. There's only one grandchild. They've shown them how to behave towards their elders. (Or to put their own needs first - whichever way you care to look at it.)

I understand why you are fed up helping your mom when no one else wants to do it - specially your stepdad who is doing bugger all. It's not easy changing sheets for a double incontinent, it's gross, difficult and confronting.

The reality though is that if you don't help your mom, it'd be her and your g/f in the last stages of life the ones affected by your lack of help. It's beyond unfair but often the people caring the most, are the ones doing the hard work.

Give the lazy bastards hell but keep helping your mom.

Well, I've done it and I'm not saying 'No'. We're all different.

Thank you. Very well expressed.

Do you think that this is women’s work? Why shouldn’t male family do the caring s well? Is this how your family functions? If so and you’re female get ready for doing all the caring whilst male family sits in the sun.

Wow, how selfish. Shame on you, OP.

This is also an option. It's a washable draw sheet type cover that might save having to change the whole bed. Use also with a waterproof mattress protector

YABU. Yes, her husband should be helping, and it's infuriating that he won't. But leaving your mum alone to cope isn't the right way forward. Yes, of course try to persuade him to do his share, but don't leave your (also ageing) mother alone to cope with all the hard physical graft.

And sometimes you have to step back to encourage others to step up so I have sympathies with the OP

Me too, without question.

I think I'd reply to the step-dad; 'You help her this morning and I'll help her this afternoon, if you can manage to get off your sunbed'.

YANBU. Caring responsibility is a one-way thing, parents have to care for children, not the other way around. Of course children are free to help like the OP has done, but they should never be obliged to. It's especially bad in this case when the mother has a partner who could help them but can't be arsed.