DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

I’m so sorry @DreamySloth💐

It sounds highly likely that your “lack of ambition” is actually just the excuse he has seized on to justify his actions, and this affair probably started a while ago. However, you’ll never know the truth and it’s a waste of time to focus on anything other than what you (and Dd) want and need right now.

Don’t forget that when he wasn’t firing on all cylinders and leaving his keys in the fridge, you looked after him. He hasn’t had the respect to reciprocate or at least own the fact that the breakup is down to him changing, NOT anything you’re doing wrong. That’s how I know he’s just making excuses. If ADHD meds had changed his life and he’d outgrown the relationship (which happens) but he was an honest and decent guy, he’d be making this about him, not somehow making it your fault.

Don’t bother arguing with him but do your best to remove any power he has over you, beginning with a little financial independence and absolutely fighting for the 50% of the business that is rightfully yours (I bet you’re downplaying all that mothering you had to do before he became super ambitious and the slack you picked up in terms of housework and childcare to facilitate him growing the business).

Ultimately you can’t stop him choosing when to introduce a new GF so it’s not a hill to die on. All you can do is ask him to tread sensitively for your DD’s sake and be ready to reassure her. They’re not going to have DD so regularly she’s likely to form a strong attachment at this point (it would interfere with their little love nest). If it fizzles out it won’t do too much harm and if it actually lasts then there will have been a slower lead in time.

Best of luck with your future. You can do this. A man has capitalised off your passive nature and lack of ego.l and left you feeling worthless. He’s wrong.

You need to get the business valued along with any other assets like the house. Do you have access to the annual company accounts for the past few years? Start rooting these out and ask your solicitor for a recommendation on a company that does business valuations. Document your involvement with the business and setting it up.

Nailed it.
Aim high. You’ve got rid of a dead weight, now choose your path.
New career maybe, return to previous job, whatever you want. Look happy and successful, it pisses exes right off, ime

Be careful with this, my friend thought they had a family business, husband, fired her as a secretary, and she got nothing.

Don't be too swift to give up our share of the business - if it has great potential & makes a profit, stay a silent partner and take the dividends.

If you were still looking after the house, school run and things to do with child, this is not an 'easy life' or you being a 'cocklodger'; this is being a SAHM. Unless he took over cooking, cleaning, meal planning, child duties, life admin, etc, you did not get an 'easy life'. Don't let him rewrite the story.

No I don’t agree with this. Separated parents can and should have grown up conversations around when to introduce new partners. There’s a child at the centre of this who needs to be the focus. Introducing partners before things get serious can be damaging. Especially if there’s multiple different partners. Children get attached very easily and can be heartbroken by splits. OP is absolutely right to hold this conversation with her DH and express concern / say no. If DH goes ahead anyway, there’s not a lot you can do. But to say she has no say is incorrect. DD is still her child and she has every right to look out for her child’s best interest.

When I met my DH, he agreed amicably with his ex wife that we’d wait at least 6 months before any introductions, and she did the same when she met someone. Obviously not all splits are amicable but common sense needs to apply

He sounds nauseating.

Their business is a marital asset, sounds like OP is a shareholder and an employee and possibly a Director. He can't simply 'fire' her. He has to go through a process or face an employment tribunal (if OP was up for it, and she should be). The business has to be assessed, valued and split fairly in any divorce, he'd be an idiot to try anything so ludicrous prior to seeking legal consult on the divorce. Which is why the OP needs to ger her own legal representation sharpish. She needs to use her salary to do so, and stop using it for any other purpose that the DH is presumably dictating. As he describes her as an unambitious SAHM, that doesn't 'work' I imagine that the salary he pays her, he considers isn't earnt through a reasonable amount of work for the company on a daily basis (the OP says as much herself I think). He can never, ever, disclose this to anyone however, because, if he does it will expose it for the tax dodge it undoubtedly is for him IE taking money out of the company but at a lesser rate of tax than if he paid only himself a salary (Income Tax and Corporation Tax potentially). And unless her employment contract states employees have to give up shares upon redundancy/severance, then OP keeps those too. Further, OP states she is staring her own business, in the same field, but has no contacts or clients. She does. She has those of the company - again unless her contract states she cannot approach clients in her own capacity (or for a period after leaving), there's nothing stopping her.
OP holds a lot of cards here, she just needs representation and quickly, because he no doubt has it already.

sorry to hear that. I have ADHD too so I get it. He is just a jerk so don't listen to what he says

Sounds like he's having a great time chasing dopamine hits. However, they'll take him off the ADHD meds when his blood pressure rises (and it probably will) and, no matter how well medicated he is now, his ADHD will get worse as he ages unless he learns strategies to deal with it. It doesn't go away. I wonder if he is award of that, while he's having a ball burning all his bridges.

(My husband and adult son both have ADHD, are medicated and have received lots of condition specific therapy).

I’m not sure why everyone is saying OP is financially vulnerable.

She married him and has 50% of the business. That- coupled with the fact that OP is doing the lion’s share of the childcare means that she is in a very strong position.

I’m a well paid professional who married a cock lodger, and quite frankly, I would’ve been better off in OP’s position.

OP- speak to a solicitor immediately. Do NOT agree to anything with your ex until you have.

Your DD meeting the gf shouldn’t be your focus. He’ll do what he wants anyway. As her dad he can do what he wants.

focus on getting most of the matrimonial home and keeping half the business.

in eyes of the family court, everything you both have is part of the matrimonial pot, and you have equally contributed to it.

@DreamySloth I’m worried that you are acting a bit like your user name. Get to a solicitor immediately! You don’t seem to be worried about the fact he is wanting to start divorce proceedings. You need to know what to expect.

Also - don’t buy into the narrative that you are in a weak or vulnerable position. You are in a very strong position.

Seriously???!!!!’

Oh god I was in the exact same position as you 20 odd years ago except his excuse was I wasn't exciting enough. Funny that - given I had our seven month old baby at home. I'd also done the massively supporting years.

Hold your head high and move on. you absolutely will be better off in the long run, I know I am. Mine was shagging a junior in our business who I was already suspicious of. What predictable cunts they can be! 🤣

Tell him you now have a far more considerate partner even if you haven't. What a cheek .

I’m a 50% director in the business - I wasn’t unemployed just not working as many hours as him. I wasn’t unemployed doing school run and looking after DD after school and during school holidays

For everyone saying I’m being passive…I totally agree! Unfortunately I have got myself into a position where I feel like I can’t think for myself or make any sort of decision on me own. I would always need him to make decisions for me - that’s how bad I feel about myself as if I don’t even trust my own thoughts or opinions anymore

I wish I could flick a switch and turn fierce and powerful but it’s not there. Yet. I started therapy about 2 months ago so hopefully I will get there. Honestly, I couldn’t even pick out a bedding set without questioning myself.

The urgent priority is getting legal advice about the business and divorce proceedings. He is about to do his level best to screw you over here.

DD has you. You can worry about her relationship with Ex once you’ve ensured that he cannot leave you homeless and penniless.

Grey rock his whining.

You see it all the time on Mumsnet: a woman wants to leave because he’s not ambitious enough, doesn’t earn as much, isn’t as driven—and the replies come fast: Why are you still with this loser? You deserve better. That’s totally fine. Her choice, her standards, her life.

In fact we are constantly told a woman can break up for whatever reason she wants.

But the second a man says he wants out—maybe she’s dead weight, maybe they’ve drifted, maybe he’s just unhappy—it’s open season. Suddenly he’s a shallow prick, a midlife crisis cliché, a nasty cunt.

Figures.

I think you are hoping he comes back to you that's why you haven't let go. We all deserve love but if the person we want isn't reciprocating then you have to try and move on. It's not easy because you have children with him. It's good that you are seeing someone to guide you through this challenging time. You deserve to be loved by the right man you are worthy of that and not to be treated like shit by him. Take each day as it comes and when you meet him please come back and tell us how you have moved on with Mr right and you are happy than ever before. Fuck him he lost out and now his new bow has to put up with his ups and downs.

Totally agree
CBT helped repair my self esteem after similar ….. took time , but you’ll get there.

Sorry to hear that but unfortunately when you won't take decisions for yourself someone else will.

I think you have to stop him from coming round and put in some boundaries. He thinks he can still come round whenever and talk to you like shit. If you can't afford the house on your own then start to look for somewhere else. If you can, then change the locks and tell him he has to arrange to visit. Get a lawyer. You need advice on this.

Exactly.
you really do have ti steer your own ship.
Time to feel your anger and put yourself first.