DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Stop conversing with him about anything other than DD and when his next contact time is, OP. You're treating him like a friend, he's not, he's your awful ex.

Tell him to STFU about you "not being ambitious", whether you work or not is nothing to do with him any more. He just wants you to play the pick-me dance, get a well-paying job to "prove your worth" to him and guess what? Even if you do, he's still not coming back. He'll use your new job to argue that you're less deserving/in need of of assets etc in the divorce though. Also, that business you have is 50/50 owned so take the contacts with you for your new business if they'll go, they're your contacts too! You're not stealing them when you're taking them from yourself. Leave him to find new contacts.

He was never "working late", he was shagging OW and at the same time emotionally checked out of your relationship. They've been together a lot long let than 5 weeks. Now he's re-writing history to make you out to be the villain instead of being honest and saying he's bored of parenthood and has met someone he prefers better than you. I imagine she's also younger and child-free. He's not "house sitting" either, he's staying round his new girlfriend's house.

What he does with DD during his contact time with her is nothing to do with you. He doesn't want to do childcare that much is obvious, he wants his new girlfriend to do it. Just stop responding when he asks you this stuff, it's nothing to do with you and he's going to do whatever he wants anyway.

Make sure his contact time includes weekdays or at least don't let him have every weekend. He needs to do some of the basic boring parenting too, not just be Disney Dad.

Ah but could he do any of it better than you if he didn't have another woman stepping into your role as his lifestyle 'support worker', doing all the grunt stuff as you've been doing?... Well, 40 years ago I was in your shoes with a baby, but my dh was also violent so I walked. I moved to a lovely house with a nightmare neighbour, so I moved on from there too.I was a creative person but my dh dismissed my talent, because ' who would want to buy your crap'? Well it seemed plenty did. My child grew, as did my business, and he sank without trace ending up a dead end job . Your dh is talking mean bollocks , designed to make you feel as you now do. SO, give your head a shake, look in the mirror and describe to yourself the very person you want to/ are going to be, and go get it. You can do this. Good luck.

When you said he asked for marriage certificates the other day.....STOP DOING HIS DIVORCE ADMIN FOR HIM!!! If there's a marriage certificate and you know where it is, keep it safe, you'll need it. Let him apply for and pay for a new one. Don't help him out at all.

Of course he has a solicitor.

The only relevant question is - have YOU?

If not, do it today.

So do you still work for that business?

Do you get dividends?

Is he going to buy you out?

Don’t worry he would never actually want 50:50.

Please try to rephrase your way of thinking about. He’s in the wrong, not you. Don’t let him talk you down, especially in your own head.

This.

Yes @DreamySlothTHIS!! I would be all over these books right now , I’d be telling him that I am co owner and he can like it or lump it. Get a good solicitor stop letting him manipulate you!!

Stop this right away. He doesn't "visit" DD in your home. He takes her 50% of the time for her contact time with him. During that time he provides everything she needs, from food and a bed, to toys and clothes, including school uniform for when he takes her to school the next day.

He is no longer part of your family. The house is your space now, even if it'll be sold as a marital asset. He doesn't get to come in and out of your life cherry-picking the best bits of parenting, whilst leaving you with all the grunt work and taking the opportunity to dish out emotional abuse to you at the same time.

Fuck that shit OP. Lock the door and leave your key in the lock, don't let him in for even a second when he comes to collect DD. Hand her over at the door and don't send her with things like toys, pyjamas, clothes for the next day or a lunchbox for school. It's on him to provide all that and make her packed lunch in the morning. If his flat is one-bedroom, he'll have to turn the living room into a bedroom for himself and give DD the bedroom.

Also as you are co-owners he can also have the flexibility to do half of the school runs.

That will free up half your week to build your business.

She was a SAHM by mutual agreement with her ex. She hasn't "milked him". He's just changed the narrative now he's cheated and left, trying to make her out to be the villain. If he wanted her to get a job when DD started school, he'd have needed to use his words like a grown-up and have a conversation with her about that. OP is in no way a cocklodger.

Just wanted to say that let him continue to see your daughter twice a week. Because he is setting a precedent. If he ever took you to court (especially when cMS is mentioned some men then suddenly want 50/50) you can show that you were the main carer during the relationship and after. Document every contact, anything that happens at all.
Please look into grey rocking and yellow rocking.
Follow legally nik on instagram, she is really helpful with different things.
Get legal advice, don't tell him.
Get photos/copies of everything financial and any other important documentation. I would store this at someone else's house seeing as he has access to yours.
I would seek legal advice about the house. He has moved out. Therefore speak to a professional, but my ex changed the locks and I haven't had access to my house or belongings for over a year, so potentially you could change the locks to keep that home a safe space for you and your child.
When he sees his daughter he can take her out, ot doesn't have to be in your home or at the expense of your mental health.
Go to the GP and get signed up to therapy. You have a long road ahead of you, the skills you will learn in therapy will be so beneficial. Not just for you, but for your daughter.
If you haven't already, speak to school and tell them what is happening as there have been big changes for your child and it is best ot have school informed so they can support if it is needed.
Wishing you lots of luck. The divorce/separation group on here might also be a good call as they have great advice too.

THIS!!!

Yeah but those men aren’t doing all the childcare and housework while allowing their spouse to climb the career ladder. If they’re doing that then nobody would call them a cocklodger.

So true 😂

Hi OP I don’t think you need to be a go getter but you need to be a survivor! Pull your big girl pants on and start surviving rather than existing. Thats not what you want or need right now and it’s not what your daughter needs.

You cant control his behaviours when DD is in his care and sadly that includes her meeting his new gf. Focus on you and DD and what you both want and need.

Get some legal advice about the business and any other assets And focus on you because you are important xxx

This! As soon as your daughter started school why weren't you looking for a part time job?
In fact instead you were just being a titlodger! I don't know why women think this okay for them but not for SAHDs to do!
What he did was wrong but you're not exactly innocent!

Hes been cheating. I'm sorry welcome to the club. Get a lawyer and only discuss child, divorce and money stuff. Keep all emails.
Hes a twat.

Wow, he sounds like a complete cock.

Does he not realise (like a lot of men) that he has probably ONLY been able to achieve what he has in his career BECAUSE you have been at home, doing ALL THE THINGS!

Definitely sounds like he's left you for another woman. He's a dick.

But you're not completely helpless OP. It's time to get a job and be financially independent of him.

OP hasn’t been a ‘lady of leisure’ cockbag has probably made her feel like that. They run a business together, so that could easily mean sorting shit out at the drop of a hat whenever ‘DH’ needs her to.

i bet he would have been furious if he’d had to do his fair share at home as she had an ambitious job.

There’s no urgency about the OP getting a job and she doesn’t want her ex to have 50/50 care. I don’t know why people are banging on about this. The OP needs to start divorce proceedings and get a decent, fair financial settlement including her share of the business plus settled arrangements made re their daughter if that’s what she wants. It’s very much to her advantage to be the parent available for care responsibilities right now.

When a friend of mine was in a similar situation, she received full child and spousal maintenance until her child finished primary school, because that had been their initial plan.

During that time, he also had to pay for her to retrain in a new career.

He did not want 50:50 or anything near, so it was considered more than fair.

SAHDs aren't cocklodgersany more than SAHMs are. Cocklodgers are the ones doing no housework, no or minimal childcare, not carrying the mental load or getting involved with life admin, not working and just using their partner as a cash cow/sex slave/nanny. OP is none of these things. She's been doing everything, allowing him to focus on his career. She's still doing everything. She even mothered him and held his life together in the beginning when he was so incapable he couldn't function as a normal human being. So STFU calling her names.