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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

189 replies

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

OP posts:
InattentiveADHD · 01/05/2025 22:42

Or autism. I was gong to say this. I have ADHD and have to constantly remind myself to no interrupt and let others talk. Then while they are talking constantly checking that I am paying attention to what they are saying. I still go on a bit and talk in way too much detail. It’s also pretty fucking exhausting constantly monitoring yourself and what you are doing in social situations which is probably why I need to decompress in a dark quiet room for a day or two afterwards 😂. Sometimes I wish I was less self-aware like your barmaid friend! I think adhd would be less stressful if I was many constantly trying to adapt or amend my behaviour.

InattentiveADHD · 01/05/2025 22:45

InattentiveADHD · 01/05/2025 22:42

Or autism. I was gong to say this. I have ADHD and have to constantly remind myself to no interrupt and let others talk. Then while they are talking constantly checking that I am paying attention to what they are saying. I still go on a bit and talk in way too much detail. It’s also pretty fucking exhausting constantly monitoring yourself and what you are doing in social situations which is probably why I need to decompress in a dark quiet room for a day or two afterwards 😂. Sometimes I wish I was less self-aware like your barmaid friend! I think adhd would be less stressful if I was many constantly trying to adapt or amend my behaviour.

Oh and ditto the over sharing. Another adhd trait! Constantly doing that too then often feeling terrible afterwards. Stuff just floods out of my mouth and I struggle to control it!!!

YorkshireLass2012 · 02/05/2025 08:48

Skirtless · 29/04/2025 23:33

What’s more mysterious is that you describe her as a friend, when you clearly find her monumentally irritating.

Beat me to it! Exactly my thoughts. OP?

TorroFerney · 02/05/2025 12:29

MumTeacherofMany · 01/05/2025 21:34

I find it more odd you consider this annoying random barmaid a friend and have her number!

That does point to poor boundaries to be fair.

BendySpoon · 02/05/2025 12:58

I had a colleague like that, it’s so tiresome. I also used to have a friend like that but it was so draining being talked at for up to 3 hours that I gradually stopped accepting invites to meet up.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 02/05/2025 16:58

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

No, you weren't horrible. I can't stand people like that. Perhaps she could learn a bit of self-awareness.

Rosie8880 · 02/05/2025 18:49

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

A lot of folk on the spectrum / ASD can go into monlogues firstly. I think what you need to say to her is, often when I see you at work I’d like to have a chat but I get frustrated as the conversation is one way. Sometimes I’m in a quiet mood and just also want to say hi and then sit down quietly too. Im Sorry I upset you. I hope we can draw a line under this and see you soon

TwoWithCurls · 02/05/2025 19:27

Tonkie18 · 01/05/2025 18:01

She’s neurodivergent. ADHD possibly autism.

Show quote history

Exactly. My first thought. Unfortunately, the rest of Mumsnet is not quite so clued up on this, it seems.

pollymere · 02/05/2025 23:35

Maybe she has communication issues? It's a tough one. She may not realise she talks too much or is irritating. Apparently you should point out that you're not feeling sociable or have just come out for a private chat/quiet evening and perhaps you can catch up some other time — especially as she's working. I'm terrible at talking too much and even I understand people saying that!

(This is advice appropriate to those with ASD or ADHD but not mine. I'd definitely understand it though).

Original poster
thaigirl · 05/05/2025 21:42

@Cherrysoup Exactly! ADHD my bum hole. Most of these people are just self absorbed.

OP posts:
Original poster
thaigirl · 05/05/2025 21:46

TorroFerney · 02/05/2025 12:29

That does point to poor boundaries to be fair.

Show quote history

Why? I see her regularly, she has children in the same school as mine, she lives just up the road, she’s a barmaid in my local and we are friends on social media. My boundaries are fine, thank you very much. I’m not sure I grasp fully what you are suggesting? Are you suggesting that I ghost every single person that irritated me?

Because it would be a lonely life…

OP posts:
MaMisled · 05/05/2025 21:59

I spent 2 hours with a friend like this before Christmas. She doesn't use the Internet so knows nothing about my life since we last caught up 4 months before. She talked so much I didn't manage to mention having a wonderful holiday with my whole family, fracturing a rib, starting my own business, my DB being very unwell, getting a puppy then my precious other dog passing away! After 5 years of her monologues, I'm done now.

67676767ttt · 06/05/2025 10:20

TwoWithCurls · 02/05/2025 19:27

Exactly. My first thought. Unfortunately, the rest of Mumsnet is not quite so clued up on this, it seems.

Show quote history

Or maybe we are, and can see the difference between a monologue from a person with ADHD/autism who has a fascination for a particular subject, and a self-absorbed complete bore who prattles on about themselves, their views, their ideas and has the cheek to text afterwards that they were annoyed at YOUR behaviour

You do people with ADHD/ autism a disservice when you conflate the two situations.

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