To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

[thaigirl]

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

I used to work with a man like this. Bob (not his real name) used to corner people and just talk at them about anything. We used to call it ‘Being Bobbed’. I am pretty sure he had an autism diagnosis.

I’ve seen my mum twice and spoken on the phone twice since I came back from holiday in New York, she’s never once mentioned or asked about the holiday .

she also can’t do the usual social how are you how you’ve been like your relative, just launches into a monologue, usually starts with “what I need you to do is” and assigns me a task. Lack of emotional intelligence in her case.

No, none of this is the right approach . Is it ok to order my drinks? Why not apologise for existing at the same time.

I’d message and say “I’m sorry I embarrassed you. I’ve been frustrated for a long time that you always dominate the conversation. You never ask me questions or let me speak. You’d been talking at me for ten minutes solid, I thought this might be a lighthearted way of making it stop. That was misjudged”.

You don't know that just like I don't know that. She could equally just be self obsessed. Autism is rolled out as an excuse for bad behaviour so many times on here

YANBU at all.

I've noticed an increase in this kind of behaviour over the last few years. I had a man do it to me last week at a social event, after I made small talk with him about his job. It makes me want to scream and often it will end with me walking/turning away quite abruptly and then I feel bad about being rude, but fuck it. They need to learn.

I suspect a lot of people were a bit borderline, maybe only did the monologues some of the time, but regressed a lot in lockdown. There's definitely more of this now.

Try going completely silent with people like this. I think saying “mm” etc is just telling them to keep going. You need to shut her down with body language.

I go completely silent when it happens to me but it doesn't deter them. When it happened last week it would have been quite obvious I was uncomfortable. Aside from the silence, I kept looking around trying to catch someone's eye so they'd save me. In the end I interjected with one 'mmmm' and walked away.

You sort of encouraged this by entering into conversation with her. Given she was at work, it might have been better to interrupt by saying (loudly) something like "Sorry, got to get back to DH, can I have my drinks?"

Was just going to say this. Most of the people I know that do this have ADHD. You sound really proud that you interrupted her with your loud, stupid noise however you clearly humiliated her in front of regulars at the pub. Doing that to someone you consider a friend is pretty shit. Why not find a way to speak to her about this, she may not even realise she's doing it

I think this is hilarious. I've just come out of hospital and my stitches hurt from laughing at this 🤣

The talking louder thing to shut you up is def more a male thing ime (though not exclusive to men). It really really annoys me.

I do the go silent thing too, but there's a knack to it. The trick is to stay silent when they expect you to speak, make it awkward. Eventually I say, 'Oh, am I allowed to speak now? It's just that every time I try, you talk over me anyway.'

This mostly works on ADHD friends who actually like/respect me so take notice. If you're not close or it's a professional environment it's probably not that appropriate!

Find a new friend.
Find a new pub.

Reminds me of a thread a few years ago when either the OP or a friend/colleague hooted like an owl.

It was a strange thing to do, but maybe it will make her think.

I have a friend that talks about herself and has never grasped the art of conversation and it being a back and forth. She’s a crashing bore and most of our friendship group avoid her wherever they can. Of course, she’s completely oblivious to this.

She's not a friend. She sees you as someone she can talk at and hold captive. I think your way of stopping her in her tracks was probably a bit OTT but it did the trick.
Who owns the pub? I would be having serious issues about her failure to sell drinks because she's holding court. Presumably you're not the only one she does this with.
I understand what you mean about the pub and character. Next time, send your husband in to buy drinks.

Hi OP,

I think this is called "monologuing" and is a sign of ASD. You might just need to pack an air horn. No offense to ASD people. I am diagnosed ASD myself.

Found it "To have laughed at her Slimming World advice" in 2022. The OP hooted like an owl to stop her colleague banging on about Muller Lite yogurt 😀.

There seems to be a lot of people around like this. It’s baffling. I’m a good listener but often come away feeling completely used.

This has really made me laugh! You contained the frustration until it built up to the point of foghorn. It's the stuff of comedy sketches!

I have a SIL like this. Overbearing, overloud, just SO annoying.
I tend to avoid her at all costs, and walk away if she tries to talk at me. Never anything interesting, just a long drone of rubbish.

The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation.

Jesus Christ, why the hell did you persevere after this point?? Go to a different pub. I’m irritated and I don’t even know her.

She has poor social skills and unawareness. There no reason to embarrass her. Surely says her name loudly a few times would have had the same effect

Of course it’s ok if OP orders her drinks. This person is bar staff. Why should a customer pander to the waffling of an inefficient service provider??