To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

[thaigirl]

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

You got frustrated and acted out and in doing so you embarrassed her (and possibly yourself) her behaviour wasn’t deliberate, yours was. You should apologise and if it happens again (seems unlikely) listen politely for a reasonable time then say firmly sorry to interrupt is it ok if I order my drinks?
I have a friend like this if I need to get off the phone or leave I just say so very firmly and then leave. It’s a bit abrupt but if I don’t I’d never get away. She knows why though and is fine with it.

Monologuing is an adhd trait.

However you sort of invited the monologue by asking how she was, you knew what was going to happen when you made small talk. As pp said just say hi and order your drinks

I get how you felt driven to do this but it's unlikely to be enough to get her to change her behaviour.

Hopefully she will just take your order in future. And maybe reflect privately on whether she does talk over people.

Me neither, and now I'm curious.
Does someone have a link?

I think if you felt OK to make a noise and tell her about losing your shit you were quite capable of just saying excuse me can we please have a drink we are in a hurry. Rather than trying to add your bit to the story which would encourage her. What an odd thing to do and embarrassing for you too.

@thaigirl I was with you until you said the noise was to amuse you which makes you seem a bit nasty to go out of your way to humiliate her, when you could have taken other avenues to get your drink. She may be annoying but doesn’t know she’s doing it, but you did it on purpose.

Good on you. She needed to hear that, not that she will get it and change. She’ll act the victim and never speak to you again (until she has some boring drama she needs to blurt out.
I had similar with my FIL yesterday. He had the most annoying habit of completing my sentences and second guessing what I’m about to say, but on most occasions he is wrong. Normally I ignore it but last night I was just in the mood and snapped “actually no, that’s not what I was about to say. If you’d let me finish a sentence for once!” My MIL chimed in saying yes that’s annoying isn’t it. Except she bloody does it just as badly as he does!!! It’s so fucking annoying and I felt a little joy at telling him so.

With people like this I sometimes wonder why their parents didn't tell them. If my children did this I'd be trying to get them not to because I'd wouldn't want them to face a lifetime of alienating people.

YANBU - I hate people like this. Another good way to shut them up is to suddenly start pulling weird faces - if they ignore that too then it’s onto the weird noises.

Could be a female trait. I know a few women like this, I can't think of any men who do it. Does my head in.

I had this issue the other day . I was talking to my friend and this other lady was standing close by, we all know each other quite well. Anyway I was chatting about something very personal regarding my mum and my late dad....this women cuts me off and starts talking about her neighbors....I was not going to let her do it (she interrupts all the time) so said "excuse me can I finish" and she immediately shut up ...it felt so good to say something 😁...I will say I have literally never been this way before ...but I have recently started testosterone hormone for the menopause and it's changed my whole outlook...I really really don't care what people think anymore 😂

What are they called now then?

The problem is that you’ve acted weird and invoked a horrible feeling for her so she will be focusing on that and not the why. You need to respond with an apology for how she feels and a clear and concise reason for why you did it. then she will be able to reflect. I can’t stand a monologue either but I won’t be a cunt about it.

It's obviously an unconscious pattern of behaviour for her. If you care about maintaining the friendship you can 'train' it out of her. Use a visual cue to stop her, (hold a hand up in a 'stop' gesture each time so you can reply. If that doesn't work then she's very far gone and you should literally turn your back on her, don't go anywhere, just turn your back overtly. If it somehow sill happens, walk away without a word. This is negative reinforcement, the removal of attention to make the behaviour extinct.

You have raised the issue with her so hopefully she should become more self aware after that and recognise what is causing the change of behaviour.

I was waiting for someone to come along and say this. Maybe she is just a self obsessed idiot. She works in a public facing role, has no self awareness and rants at customers about her life without serving them or letting them speak.

Op I would find another pub. I would also send her a text and explain that she was over sharing personal details in earshot of all her customers, unfortunately you find she doesn't let you speak and this happens a lot so is not the first time.

Conversation is a two way street

I wouldn’t worry about it, you went into the pub, went into your local and instead of doing her job she just made it all about her. She must of seen your frustration in your face but still kept gabbling, she is not a friend she is someone your friendly with. A friend is someone who not only wants to share their news but interested in how you are, what’s happening in your life and your views and not just constantly droning on about themselves 100% of the time.

The thing is, there’s a social contract where, if you are meeting someone one on one, you each get a third of the conversation. The last third is up for grabs. People who don’t keep to it end up pissing everyone off.

Someone upthread said that you can train her out of it. Realistically I think this would be even weirder. She’s another adult, not your dog or child.

Do what my line manager did with a colleague we have like this.

Colleague wouldn’t shut up (never does), so part way through line manager gets up and opens the window.

Colleague asks why she did that, line manager responded “you’ve got a talent for sucking all the air out of a room.”

Why do you think autism is an actual diagnosis? It’s not a minor thing. And one of the main features is struggles with social communication… her behaviour sounds exactly like an autistic person who is unaware of how another person is responding/feeling during their ‘conversation’. She’s lost in her world of thought and verbal diarrhoea. Yes, it’s annoying for the OP, but also, what it isn’t is NASTY, or humiliating, which the OPs behaviour was. She could very easily have laughed and said ‘please could I order some drinks?’

My lovely friends does this but it’s just gets progressively worse the more she drinks.. so 3 glasses of wine in and not a chance of talking. It’s pretty exhausting, but her heart is in the right place, we take it in turns to be the listener, for me I sometimes go out and can’t be arsed to talk so she’s fab for that.

I had this with a relative last week, it was a family event and I’d not seen her in about five years. She didn’t even ask me how I was, just launched into a huge monologue about various things that happened to people I didn’t know about 20 years ago, it was so weird, all I could do was nod and probably look shell shocked…

I had a friend who did it too, I don’t see her now, it was pointless because every time we met up we’d come away and I’d barely have got a word in edgeways, we didn’t actually have a conversation I may as well have been a brick wall for her to talk at.

But why is she embarrassed, she didn’t make the noise? That’s like saying a cow strayed mooing when I was speaking how embarrassing for me.

Ah no I know it’s because she turns everything back to herself and has no ability to self reflect.

Oh 😂😂😂😂 this is brilliant. I wish I had been there.