To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

[thaigirl]

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

About 18 months ago I made a conscious decision to disentangle myself from people like this who I already knew, and to walk away from any new friend exhibiting signs of monologue syndrome. I don't have loads of friends, but the ones I do have actually listen. We take it in turns to speak, we are interested in each other and acknowledge what the other has to say, and have an actual proper conversation! It's wonderful.

Totally understandable and sounds like she deserved it.

I do sometimes wish though that we were all more comfortable giving almost immediate feedback in a calm, private way. The British model is very much to silently smoulder for weeks and weeks while appearing to be nice and polite, then losing our shit in a way that the other person finds baffling, allowing them to think the other person is the problem (ie not learning and changing).

Don’t get me wrong - I do this too. I just have this fantasy world of speaking freely, firmly but nicely every time someone annoys me.

5 mins into first monologue: “I can tell you like talking, but I’m here for a quiet chat with my husband, so we’ll have to end it here. Thanks for the drinks!” Or “I’ve noticed you talk unbroken for a long time. I enjoy conversations when both people show an interest in each other, so I’m going to end it there. Have a good day!” “I’ve noticed you only ever talk about your own child and their achievements, while being dismissive of anything I say about my child. I like chats that are more equal than that, so I’m going to head off now” “I’ve noticed you talk a huge amount about your diet, and I’m afraid it’s a topic I don’t find interesting. Shall we switch to something else, or finish it here?” Or “Do you notice that I’ve asked you five questions about yourself and you’ve asked me none about me? That makes me feel I’m talking to someone who isn’t interested in me. I don’t enjoy that, so I’m ready to move on now.”

If everyone did this and it was acceptable, people would learn to be way less annoying!

And I don't think you should care about 'embarrassing her'. She's got one job - to serve drinks. It doesn't sound as though she's doing this very efficiently if you're waiting ten minutes listening to her rabbitting on - does she not get an enormously long queue? Do other people not complain? Because in every pub I've ever worked in she'd have the job for about half an hour before she got kicked out.

hard to say without knowing of she was more bar staff or more friend.

I’m confused whether you went to the bar for a chat or for a drink. Or both maybe.

If you go to a bar to ask for a drink and it takes 10 minutes of small talk chat aimed AT you then surely you would simply interject somehow and remind her you were there to order drinks please. In fact I think I wouldn’t wait ten minutes, I’d assume she needed a reminder way before that..after a minute.

How come you made ‘friends’ with her in the first place when you got the measure of her immediately upon meeting. You don’t exactly describe her as friend material so how come you gave her your number.

But if you were a friend, then I’d say that yes, it wasn’t so good to lose your temper with her and humiliate her in a public space. I can understand her feeling upset if she thought you were a friend.

I have a friend like this, I love her dearly but it can be very wearing. At her worst (it’s worse when she’s stressed), if you can imagine Uncle Colm from Derry Girls (she’s from Northern Ireland too!) but speaking much faster. I do shut her down gently, but I fear she alienates people with this way of speaking.

An airhorn may not be loud enough, better a vovozela. When the pub is shocked into silence the OP can loudly say with a smile - "heck, that was loud but now that I have your attention can I order....? 😉

Seriously OP, she's not your friend and is an awful pub barmaid. Don't overthink it.

Why are you friends with someone you clearly don't like and appear to enjoy embarrassing in public? What do you do that irritates your friends - and how do you think they should draw attention to this?

I think the problem is that people who tend to do this is that they irritate others, who then avoid them. So when they do meet someone who tolerates it, they are even worse - because they feel as though no one listens to them.

Ah, you see this would be unacceptable in so many ways. I don’t tolerate my close family talking to me when I’m on the toilet, I’d be creeped out if a colleague did this.

A recommended technique for neurodiverse children who monologue is to put limits on it. So they can talk about their special subject until the next street, the end of the song or 2 turns of the egg timer. Then they have to stop.

If you are to continue a friendship with this person, it sounds like you need to have a chat with her and perhaps agree a signal between so that she knows to wind up.

I’ve reread the OP’s posts. This person is a “friend” but has the OP’s number. Honestly, the two of you aren’t going to be friends. It’s up to you whether you respond.

I know two people who do this and both were later diagnosed with adhd. One of the people I know who does it comes across as incredibly rude as she’ll talk over you and make every conversation about herself, for example I’ll mention something like, oh I’m thinking about buying a new tv, and she’ll monologue forever about when she bought a new tv, and I can’t get a word in edgeways or I’ll mention an illness I’ve been diagnosed with and she’ll say something like oh I think I have that (she absolutely doesn’t). It is really annoying however she is actually aware she does it and can’t help herself and gets quite down about it. Because of her adhd she really struggles with the social etiquette and knowing how a conversation should flow. She said she either talks and talks or just stays silent because she doesn’t know when to join in. She also says that when she does the ‘oh me too’ thing about literally anything, that she’s trying to show she sympathises / identifies with what I’m saying and is sharing her experience in solidarity. So yes, at first she really pissed me off but as I’ve got to know her more I’ve realised that she feels embarrassed about it but is unable to change and I’ve come to understand her and why it is she struggles to have a conversation that’s back and forth.
The other person I know who does it I don’t know them well enough to ask if they’re aware they’re doing it. This lady is less rude with it though, although she monologues a lot and controls the conversation she does let you talk back.

I need to know! Did you ever get to order your drinks? 🤣

I had a friend like this a few years ago. She was seeing a really nice bloke at the time and spent her time giving out about him to me and anyone who would listen.

She came to my house one evening for a few drinks before a gig later. As soon as we opened a beer She started on about said bf. I just turned to her and said that I don't want a whole night listening to this bs about bf. She looked at me shocked and said I can leave if you want and I just shrugged at her and said if you want to ok. She was expecting me to say oh no don't go but I didn't. She changed her tune pretty quickly after that and we continued with our night and very little was mentioned about bf for the rest of the night.

I would absolutely love to live in this world. Clear, direct, honest, non confrontational.

I think I used to babble on like this before I got used to having friends and one of the girls said to me when I paused ‘You’re a Chatty Cathy aren’t you?’, she said it nicely enough and it drew attention to something I wasn’t really aware of until she said it, not I don’t think I’m as bad …

I have had to learn to listen properly to other people and it took a similar experience for me to get the message. I was probably about 14 and so she is overdue, but better late than never.

She was already embarrassing herself, she just too self centred to see it. You did nothing wrong OP.

more than this, you may actually (in the long run) have helped her

Yup, this. 👆
Whilst I totally understand you "losing my shit" OP (I have a friend like this too) what you did was horrible because you did it with an audience of regulars at the bar in her workplace and she has to return to that workplace and be with those same regulars who saw what you did (hence her feeling "humiliated").
I think you need to own this now OP and fall on your sword. You could message her back something like "Yes, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. However, I've been wanting to speak to you for ages now about how you don't seem to understand the art of conversation (i.e. a back and forth exchange of ideas/opinions/experience) but I've never felt able to. It's become exhausting never being able to have a proper conversation with you, rather than just having to listen to an endless stream of consciousness about your life without being able to get a word in edgeways. DP and I popped in for a quick drink yesterday and I couldn't even manage to interrupt you long enough to order our drinks so I just lost it in the moment due to a build-up of frustration. Nevertheless, I handled my frustration badly and I'm sorry for hurting your feelings and humiliating you." A message like this will serve two purposes: providing the apology that she deserves from you and cooling the friendship as she's unlikely to take on board your feedback about her own self-absorbed behaviour and will probably keep her distance from you in future. 😉

Yes most I know who monologue without social awareness are autistic but you get people who are just rude too.
She sounds annoying as hell OP, hopefully from now on she’ll just get you the drinks

I imagine people, who monopolise with their selfishness, in bed at night actually scripting and crafting their spiel so that it's word perfect - going over and over it until they're satisfied that it's good enough to enthrall.

I had a hairdresser like this who would do the 'I'm telling you in complete confidence' approach and then move onto the next client and say exactly the same thing, word for word. He had such a sense of superiority I just had to stop going as the thought of being talked at for an hour or two made me feel ill.

Yes this is definitely true, and then the good patient listeners head pops off 🤣

It's sometimes really hard to break away from people though. There's a woman in a hobby I do that's exactly the same, and it's so difficult to avoid someone who shares the same (small) space twice a week!

Spot the chatty cathy..