To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

[thaigirl]

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

Yes you're wrong...I had a partner just like this. It was mortifying meeting up with people as he talked and talked and talked. No matter how calmly and nicely I asked him to listen to other people he just wouldn't or couldn't.

IMHO this is a case of two wrongs not making a right. And blurring of boundaries.

She’s at work. Her job is to serve customers. If she doesn’t serve you promptly, exchange brief pleasantries, then leave you in peace, no doubt she’s not doing her job as expected. Though it sounds like the sort of pub where bar staff chat as mates with the regulars.

And you also say she’s a friend. Some people are more chatty. We should all be able to vent a bit to friends. But she’s clearly not realising you’re in the pub as a customer, rather than to chat to her.

So, you should be more assertive, rather than passive aggressive. It was rude to make a noise rather than interjecting calmly, politely and assertively:

”Sorry to interrupt. Could I have a drink, please. I want to go and sit down”

”Sorry to interrupt. We’re here for a quiet drink. Could I chat to you some other time”

She obviously struggles to understand social norms and good customer service. When people clearly don’t realise, it’s best to let them know if it bothers you if you’re being reasonable. As she’s texted you, I’d use the opportunity to let her know directly:

“I’m sorry I was rude and spoke to you about this in front of other customers. I realise it embarrassed and blindsided you when we’re friends. I was frustrated, as you were talking a lot rather than serving me. I should have let you know more discretely that when I come to the pub, it’s for a drink, rather than a chat. It’s always good to see you. But I usually want to get my order and sit in peace. I also feel awkward when you tell me private things about your ex. I should have made all this clear before, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings”.

She may get shirty and offish with you for being direct with her. Or she may keep doing it when she knows how you feel. In either case, she’s hard work and I’d give her a wide berth. But also try to see it with a bit of humour. We all know chatty people where it’s harder to get a word in. Better that, IMHO, than people who barely say a word.

@thaigirl it was rude but I’m not surprised it got to that point if she’s like that every time. Maybe let DP go to the bar for the next few times 🫣😬

Well it's done now OP she will probably be frosty and not really speak to you again, which sounds like that would be preferable to you. Job done then.

You were driven to it.
Text her that you apologise if you hurt her feelings BUT you felt driven to it.
Her non stop long monologues are very rude and stressful when you are just trying to get drinks.

Also next time put your ✋️up to stop her.
She sounds ghastly.

The people I've encountered like this are men. The worst was the husband of a colleague. We used to have a company Christmas meal and partners were invited. Small company so only 8 attendees. Every Christmas this man would monologue for the whole meal. The worst was 2 hours listening to him talk about issues with probate over his brother's will.

OP I wouldn’t describe her as a friend as such.

I have an acquaintance/work colleague who is part of a wider group of friends not quite as brazen as your bar maid but loves to talk about herself.

This one will interrupt a conversation and ask something like has anyone got any holidays booked (they get 30 seconds before she goes off on one about where she has been, where she would like to go or where she is going). Or another is whats everyone doing at the weekend. Again she allows the group 30 seconds then she interrupts and goes off on one about what she is doing. Or has anyone been to such and such or used X brand of paint, make up or furniture from such and such always an expensive brand. Recently, I have started saying hang on a minute Karen Julie was just talking or in the middle of telling us all about such and such.

Haha! We all know at least someone. The people I know are mostly women. Times like that, I tend to extract myself. Pop to the loo or the bar. Or say I’ve got to dash if I’ve bumped into them.

I don’t think these people can take any hint/give a shit about your body language. “Yeah it’s really interesting - sorry I’ve got to go and do X now” is the only way.

This.

There's a work colleague in my office who rabbits on non-stop. It's annoying, but I just give a wide berth. In situations such as these, if I need to walk away, interject, I would do so in an assertive manner. I do this a lot with people who like to ramble on. I try to be polite but can only tolerate being talked at for so long.

She sounds very irritating and likely won't change, so you will need to adopt new strategies. You could maybe apologise [if you wish to], make any excuse (eg. Bad day etc) or just be brief and diplomatic and move on.

I would expect at least some overlap between those who don't read non-verbal communication well and who don't understand how conversation works. This approach isn't going to work on everyone.

I wonder what is the thought cycle? Are they in some weird feedback loop whereby they initially don’t let people speak, and then because no one is speaking they assume people have nothing much to say, forgetting that they initially didn’t allow anyone to speak? Or do they get some kind of special pleasure from their own voice? Or do they get off on boring the pants off people?

You made your point I am sure it wasn't the first time that she has heard something along those lines.

Barmaids usually have an outgoing personality, it helps with the job. She is the extreme version.

You probably were being a bit unreasonable but you have made me laugh op.

She clearly isn't your friend if these are the only interactions you have with her.
She sounds annoying but in the situation you describe you could have just said "ok, lovely, catch you later" and walked away rather than make weird noises.

I've just looked up that bit from Dumb & Dumber and have to disagree - that's not the most annoying noise in the world. Donald Trump's voice is much more annoying.

Is she a spectacularly unsuccessful barmaid? Most people I know who work in pubs have to do more listening than talking, because they are serving the public who generally just want to talk about themselves and will walk away when they've got their order, even if the bar person is talking at the time.

I can't imagine many of the locals are fans.

YANBU OP.

It was the last straw after putting up with her selfishness for so long.
I have a sister like this, it's excruciating!

Usually a poor me monologue, so feel bad cutting it short.
I've tried interjecting with something positive, but she quickly goes back to woe is me mode.

It is draining and don't blame you OP as it came to a head after probably years of inward resentment.

I agree - vast majority male

I don’t blame you for doing what you did. I’d say, “I’m sorry that you felt humiliated. I was trying to be funny because I’d been waiting to order my drink for 10 minutes and you hadn’t given me a chance to speak.”

You need to get more assertive about interrupting her, if you want to continue to be friends - use her name to get her attention, and if she won’t STFU, excuse yourself to make a call or something. It sounds like you’ve been very patient!

Also - just because she treats you like a friend because she tells you a lot of personal stuff, doesn’t mean she is a friend. You’re within your rights to spend your free time as you wish without having to be a sounding board for her.

But I think YANBU - how will she know if no one ever pulls her up?

Fucking hilarious. I would have paid to see it.

I know loads of women like this. You try to interject, they sort of register the fact you have spoken, look slightly disturbed and carry on talking.

Brilliant. Just own it. When you see her just say ‘Look for the love of god I just wanted a pint and a G&T, I couldn’t get a word in bloody edge ways. Next time I’ll just put my hand in the air so you know it’s my turn to order drinks and your turn to stop talking. That a deal? Ha ha!

You have learnt your lesson. Next time just order. If she starts up conversation politely tell her that you better get back to your table as it’s a precious bit of couples time.

The head of my department does this. She has actually followed a colleague to the toilet various times and continued her monologue there. There is no way to stop these kind of people.

Yeah OP, you really were rude to make a noise like this (although I’m laughing imagining it) - no wonder she’s embarrassed! Couldn’t you have just said jokingly like ‘bloody hell would you let me get a word in so I can order my drinks!’ - especially if you do value her as a friend (although I’m not sure you do??)