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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

613 replies

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:49

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

OP posts:
Horserider5678 · 30/04/2025 06:07

SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 30/04/2025 05:27

This 💯. The kid has eyes, he chose to leave a mess. I wouldn’t have messaged his mum but I’d be speaking to him directly and not mince words. I doubt you’ll see him again though.

Show quote history

I doubt whether her son will be on his friend’s list after this!

whitewineandsun · 30/04/2025 06:10

thistimelastweek · 29/04/2025 22:55

You messaged his mum?
I don't think you need worry about not inviting him back. You'll never see him again.
But your poor son might never live it down.

This. What were you thinking? Your poor kid.

Motnight · 30/04/2025 06:11

AutumnLeaves91 · 29/04/2025 22:52

Can tell you’re fun.

Yep Op should be laughing as she cleans a young man's shit up.

Horserider5678 · 30/04/2025 06:12

Wrexhamite · 30/04/2025 03:33

No I think you’re right here. That’s disgusting. I was raised to never do a number 2 anywhere that’s not my home.
granted, overnight stays are different if you’re going to be there all the next day too, but, only if you’re really desperate. I’ve done entire weekends without going.
At home I wasn’t expected to clean it, as I did anyway, probably because I had been raised to help clean the house too, and that included the bathroom.
sometimes I joke “I’m lazy, I don’t want to clean at the end of a day, so I clean as I go” in work. But it’s true, who wants to spend time trying to scrub off stains when you can do it when it happens and make it easier when doing a proper clean.
ps. To those who say it’s a male thing. No, it’s not. I’m a male, I was raised right is all.

Edited

How pathetic you are! So you go on holiday for 2 weeks and never have a poo? It’s unhealthy to stool hold and can lead to all sorts of bowel problems and not just constipation!

Octoberdreaming · 30/04/2025 06:13

Littletreefrog · 29/04/2025 22:53

Not ideal but I can't believe you messaged his Mum about it.

I know right, super awkward.

Superhansrantowindsor · 30/04/2025 06:16

I’d have got ds to clean it. But honestly - contacting his mum? I thought from your thread title you meant he had done permanent damage.

JojoM1981 · 30/04/2025 06:26

SheilaFentiman · 29/04/2025 22:55

Mate. I would have told your DS to clean it then let him take it up with his friend. You went to his mum?!

Personally? Yes it might have been wrong to message the mum. You'd do this if maybe the child was nursery/primary age. Then again,if his toilet habits are that of a primary age then something obviously needs to be done.

His mum is obviously very embarrassed and has gone on the defensive 🙄

Thegreyhound · 30/04/2025 06:27

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:58

Why should he be able to treat my house with no respect at all and expect me to clean up after him? I’d be mortified if my DS behaved in such a manner. The message I sent was perfectly polite and I ensured it was worded in a reasonable tone.

The poor kid did a poo! It’s not like he did it on the stairs!

Quicksilver15 · 30/04/2025 06:30

Wow, this is unbelievable somebody would even raise such an issue, it’s a toilet and this is hardly a big deal.

I could understand this reaction if it was on the seat or the walls.

People should really chill out there’s worse things in life, it’s not like he was doing drugs in your toilet, it’s highly unlikely being bad at cleaning a toilet is going to hold him or anyone else back in life. Some people are genuinely pretty scatty by nature too.

Thegreyhound · 30/04/2025 06:32

StrawberryWater · 30/04/2025 00:12

Yeah I'm the kind of person who'd just tell him to clean up after himself if he wants to hang around my house.

Boo hoo if it embarrasses him, kid needs to learn as his mother clearly hasn't told him to clean up after himself.

So many mumsnet threads where people jump on women who don't want to clean up someone else's loo mess. It's bloody weird.

His mother should have told him? Not his dad?

unevenwalls · 30/04/2025 06:32

This is a total overreaction. I agree that it was unpleasant for you but texting the mum is way over the top. Your poor DS must be mortified

AmusedGoose · 30/04/2025 06:33

Lots of adults don't clean the loo let alone a young teenager. Another mumsnetter with princess syndrome. Mortifying for your poor son that you brought it up and messaged the mum.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 30/04/2025 06:35

I agree it was a bit odd to message the mum, but l can appreciate it was probably a knee jerk reaction from anger - l would have been livid. And at the same time you now know why the child acted as he did. Because mum facilitates it and sees it as the norm that the males in her home treat her like a toilet attendant. Her pathetically low bar is making rods for the backs of their future wives.

l don’t think it would be wise to ban the boy from the house, but l would certainly make it clear to your own DS that he should explain to his friend that in your home you clean up your own mess, because if it happens again he will be the one cleaning it up !!

Happyfeet234 · 30/04/2025 06:36

This has got to be a wind up

Toootss · 30/04/2025 06:37

I think some DCs deliberately leave a mess or do something irritating to the Mum due to jealousy of their home.
I had this from a much older teen friend of DD and also another DD’s friend would ‘accidently’ trample plants in my garden

irt was a sort of revenge but I’m not a psychiatrist so who knows?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 30/04/2025 06:38

Quicksilver15 · 30/04/2025 06:30

Wow, this is unbelievable somebody would even raise such an issue, it’s a toilet and this is hardly a big deal.

I could understand this reaction if it was on the seat or the walls.

People should really chill out there’s worse things in life, it’s not like he was doing drugs in your toilet, it’s highly unlikely being bad at cleaning a toilet is going to hold him or anyone else back in life. Some people are genuinely pretty scatty by nature too.

It won’t hold him back in life because the dreadful message his mother has sent him by cleaning up his mess is that there will always be a woman to do it for him. And that message will be passed on to any future partner - who, l would hope, would hand him a pair of marigolds and a loo brush and teach him what his mother should have. I fail to understand why MN has such a low bar for women being treated like toilet attendants in their own home. The lack of respect is shocking.

Marshbird · 30/04/2025 06:38

SheilaFentiman · 29/04/2025 22:55

Mate. I would have told your DS to clean it then let him take it up with his friend. You went to his mum?!

This,
the best way and reinforces that cleaning up toilets after messy guests is not women’s work…good life lessons

UpsideDownChairs · 30/04/2025 06:38

You are brilliant OP - I don't know that I would have the nerve, but I love that you did. This is how we make the world a better place where people clean up after themselves!

jeaux90 · 30/04/2025 06:38

I hope this is a wind up but I’ll say well done to you. We have enough stories on here about men babies to know where this starts. It starts with boys being taught that they need to clean up after themselves. I would have told the kid directly to get back in that bathroom and clean the toilet after himself and told his mum. Absolutely disgraceful. Good for you.

UpsideDownChairs · 30/04/2025 06:41

Marshbird · 30/04/2025 06:38

This,
the best way and reinforces that cleaning up toilets after messy guests is not women’s work…good life lessons

Show quote history

No, wait! That is even better you're right!

To all those saying it's terribly embarrassing - surely the embarrassing thing is not cleaning up after yourself? If not, it bloody should be.

Overhaul54 · 30/04/2025 06:45

Why all the posts about men expecting women to clean up their shit?
Sorry but it's just as much a husbands job to clean the loos as a wife.

The friend didn't clean the loo because it didn't occur to him. I never cleaned under the loo seat as a teen but it never occurred to me.
The lesson comes when it's "your loo" and you are responsible for it.

I can't believe anyone is that petty they message someone over how a loo was left. No wonder the mum left laughing emoji's.

Waterweight · 30/04/2025 06:54

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:58

Why should he be able to treat my house with no respect at all and expect me to clean up after him? I’d be mortified if my DS behaved in such a manner. The message I sent was perfectly polite and I ensured it was worded in a reasonable tone.

He shat in a toilet love. If he'd coated the floor by all means but obviously this is something that's fixable (get a spray that limits cling ons) or just mention to your son to tell his mates if they use the bathroom they need to check its clean

HagHaggis · 30/04/2025 06:55

If this is real.... OP you have prioritised your need for some sort of sterile life over your child's (and your own) social life/relationships.
Obviously none of us like clearing up this kind of stuff but unless this was some sort of dirty protest you've massively overreacted by texting the mother and you'll have embarrassed them and your child as well as yourself. You could have simply used the experience to teach your own child but you've gone for some sort of weird retribution. I genuinely don't know what you were trying to achieve! But you have definitely risked your sons social life to make a bizarre point.

Holdonforsummer · 30/04/2025 06:57

Your poor son.

herbygarden · 30/04/2025 06:58

Your poor son, he is going to be mortified today!