DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

Yes

OP this is mortifying for you and your poor son. The sane thing to do would be clean the loo and move on with your life. Honestly I’m not surprised his mum flamed you she must think you are a nut case.

Not sending the child round again? What a loss to OP! She looked so much forward to clean another stained toilet.

I think you're getting a hard time, OP. I don't think I'd have messaged the mum, but I completely agree that it's unacceptable for a teenager to leave his shit for others to clean up. The amount of posters saying they'd "clean it and forget about it" is appalling - now we know where the husbands who can't even clean a toilet come from.

We can absolutely expect better from teenagers. They are fully capable of cleaning, they just need to be in the habit of it. Start early, young primary, and be consistent, and you'll have a teenager who leaves the toilet clean.

Very strange messaging the mum. I'd have just dealt with it. Voted yabu too

After I've used the toilet I put the lid down, flush it and walk away, and I suspect most people are the same. If it's messy in there I'll notice it the next time I use it.

When I have guests I expect that they, too, would be unlikely to inspect the toilet after they've flushed it. And if they left it a bit dirty, I certainly wouldn't dream of messaging their mother about it. 😂

The posts about men expecting women to clean up their shit are because this is clearly the message that this boy’s mum is sending to her son, so he thought nothing of making a mess in OP’s loo and expecting her to clean it up without question, the way his mum does.

The mum’s reply makes it clear that her own husband and sons thinking nothing of treating her like a toilet attendant and her bar is so low that she doesn’t recognise the level of disrespect this shows for her. So her husband and sons are never going to clean the loo because they’ve conditioned her to believe it’s her job.

What a shit thing to do.

Sorry.

💩

Oh wow. I'd have just told DS to clean up after his mate. That would have sorted it because then you didn't have to clean and he would have given his mate an earful. By far and away the best option

The amount of posters saying they'd "clean it and forget about it" is appalling - now we know where the husbands who can't even clean a toilet come from.

Err, no. If a guest makes a mess, then usually someone in the household will clean it up and not say anything.

Op’s job is asking her son to clean his own mess - and the mess of his guest, if she wants. What she did was message another parent - NB, mother - and effectively tell her that she wasn’t parenting well enough. And it doesn’t sound like she’s massively close to that mother eithe.

How to make friends and influence people.

Me too!!

If I'd recieved such a message after my dyspraxic, fibrous sons had been visiting, I'd be appologetic and make some kind of comment about toilet traning taking a long time.

This is the flip-side of wanting a village to support us with raising children, it comes with critique, and that critique can be used to reinforce the messaging and training that we give out at home.

this is horrible! perhaps the child had a poorly tummy. i agree its not ideal but to message the mother?! shame on you. i hope that you can guarantee your dc can be impeccably behaved at all times in other people’s homes

From the details of her reply I think it’s more likely that she thinks it’s the norm for the women in the home to clean up shit after their men, so she can’t fathom why OP has higher standards.

Feral brat. Definitely don’t have him round again. And tell the mum why he won’t be invited again.

I'm going to go against the grain and say good for you OP.

I can hardly believe that posters think it's more embarrassing to mention the boys behaviour than for him to leave a dirty toilet. You should known your place; clean his shit up and don't humiliate him by mentioning it. His mum's response tells you all you need to know about where he learned that he's entitled to leave a toilet in that condition.

Why the fuck should women clean up mens/boys shit and then pretend it didn't happen so that they are not embarrassed? That is not our job, if men don't want to be shamed then they should try not behaving in shameful ways.

I quite like the idea of telling him his next visit will be his last. Shame him enough and you might just civilised him.

Sounds like you have the same low standards as the other mum.

It wouldn't occur to me to message someone about such trivial matters.

Why would she want to make friends with such a family? Good riddance.

No, she would have messaged their mum's!

Because it will rebound on her son’s friendships, which is unfair for him.

After I've used the toilet I put the lid down, flush it and walk away, and I suspect most people are the same. If it's messy in there I'll notice it the next time I use it.

I really hope most people do not do this. Leaving a toilet filthy for the next person - which is unlikely to be you - is disgusting.

If you saw it while he was in the house, get him back in to clean it. But messaging the mum the one and only time this has happened - embarrassing over reaction.

If a child visits my home I like to make them feel welcome and comfortable, not embarrass them over normal bodily functions! Honestly it is not a crime to poo in someone else’s house and while it is a little inconsiderate to leave skid marks - this is a child. I’ve had adults do the same and I wouldn’t dream of messaging them about it, though maybe that’s acceptable if the staining is very egregious. I don’t consider these low standards just basic civility and the give and take of social life.

This is mad. It’s not a sexism thing. This is a child visiting your home. Maybe he had an upset stomach, maybe he doesn’t have a loo brush at home (we didn’t growing up as my dad hates them), maybe he just forgot or hasn’t been taught to clean up the toilet bowl. Not everything is a feminist stand. Sometimes expecting other people (esp kids) to hold themselves to flawless social standards and losing your shit when they don’t is unreasonable.