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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

613 replies

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:49

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

OP posts:
Wrexhamite · 30/04/2025 03:33

No I think you’re right here. That’s disgusting. I was raised to never do a number 2 anywhere that’s not my home.
granted, overnight stays are different if you’re going to be there all the next day too, but, only if you’re really desperate. I’ve done entire weekends without going.
At home I wasn’t expected to clean it, as I did anyway, probably because I had been raised to help clean the house too, and that included the bathroom.
sometimes I joke “I’m lazy, I don’t want to clean at the end of a day, so I clean as I go” in work. But it’s true, who wants to spend time trying to scrub off stains when you can do it when it happens and make it easier when doing a proper clean.
ps. To those who say it’s a male thing. No, it’s not. I’m a male, I was raised right is all.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2025 03:38

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 30/04/2025 00:09

In an ideal world they would do this, but my DH occasionally fails to use the toilet brush, so I can forgive a teen. He might have been nervous to do it (kids can get nervous about weird things).

This thread has opened my eyes a bit though... decorative brush?! And I also think that brushes are pretty unhygienic - I don't know if I'd like just anybody using them as they can catch on the rim and spray grossness around.

I thought you meant shit on the walls and stuff, but in the toilet, well, it's the place for it.

Orig I thought this... That the OP meant the kid had smeared poo everywhere on walls /floor and the flock wallpaper just for fun... 😁

But a few skid marks?? Really??

If I were your son, I'd be completely mortified!

Thepossibility · 30/04/2025 03:45

Unless he wrote on the wall with his shit I wouldn't have contacted his mother about it. At most I would've suggested that DS tell his friend to leave the toilet clean next time he's over.
How embarrassing.

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 30/04/2025 03:50

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 23:11

Me mentioning it to him myself would be the more embarrassing option, so I don’t think that’s appropriate and a polite message to the Mum sufficed.

No it didn't. She isn't going to do anything, which is clear from her response

JellyNellyKat · 30/04/2025 03:55

The comments on this thread are insane! Replace ‘my sons secondary aged friend with My DS or Dad’ and 90% of the comments would be ‘yanbu that’s FOUL get him back in there every single time he leaves it like that’

id be embarrassed if my kid left a toilet in such a disgusting way that his friends mum messaged me!

Freshstartyear25 · 30/04/2025 03:57

You should have told your DS to clean up after his friend. Next time he’s here and wants to use the toilet, I’m sure your DS will tell him to clean though it’ll be rather jokingly as he’ll be pissed off that he had to clean up after him. You texting the mum would have been embarrassing for your son

TheMumEdit · 30/04/2025 04:15

Honestly Never occurred to me to clean a toilet after use. I always wait till next time the toilet gets it general clean. And would never clean someone else’s. You learn something every day

iseethembloom · 30/04/2025 04:17

You are definitely being unreasonable to text his mum about skid marks on the toilet pan.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 30/04/2025 04:19

Wrexhamite · 30/04/2025 03:33

No I think you’re right here. That’s disgusting. I was raised to never do a number 2 anywhere that’s not my home.
granted, overnight stays are different if you’re going to be there all the next day too, but, only if you’re really desperate. I’ve done entire weekends without going.
At home I wasn’t expected to clean it, as I did anyway, probably because I had been raised to help clean the house too, and that included the bathroom.
sometimes I joke “I’m lazy, I don’t want to clean at the end of a day, so I clean as I go” in work. But it’s true, who wants to spend time trying to scrub off stains when you can do it when it happens and make it easier when doing a proper clean.
ps. To those who say it’s a male thing. No, it’s not. I’m a male, I was raised right is all.

Edited

How you were raised means nothing if you have Crohns, Colitis, IBS or another bowel condition that means if you gotta go, you gotta go!

I appreciate the friend in this case may not but implying its somehow rude to do a poo away from home is a bit silly. And extremely bad for your gut if you constantly hold it in.

Arlingtonchase · 30/04/2025 04:57

You were and are being ridiculous.

On the plus side, it will make a good point of discussion in future years between your son and his therapist.

Zanatdy · 30/04/2025 05:03

Oh come on, not great, but i’d have just rolled my eyes and cleaned it. Or asked my son to tell him his mum wasn’t impressed and can he use the toilet brush next time.

AiryFairyLights · 30/04/2025 05:05

See you in a few weeks when you’re posting that your son is having trouble at secondary school with his peers as a result of this!
you need to learn to pick your battles @LeahYoga - this was one you should’ve not acted on. 👍

notsureyetcertain · 30/04/2025 05:10

It is poor behaviour, if the mum was a good friend I might have mentioned it the next time I saw her but not otherwise .

Littlemisscapable · 30/04/2025 05:14

AiryFairyLights · 30/04/2025 05:05

See you in a few weeks when you’re posting that your son is having trouble at secondary school with his peers as a result of this!
you need to learn to pick your battles @LeahYoga - this was one you should’ve not acted on. 👍

This..why on earth would you think this is ok? You have embarrassed everyone. You can't choose who your son is friends with....not in secondary. Yes it's a bit grim but there are many reasons why this has happened...unless he is round everyday doing this there were better ways to handle this..go easy with teens this is a tricky time.

SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 30/04/2025 05:27

TheAmusedQuail · 29/04/2025 23:00

I'd let him come round again, but as he walked in, I'd tell him to leave your toilet clean or else it'll be his last visit.

Fcuk being polite. Someone has to tell him sometime that isn't OK or he'll be one of those men that thinks the whole world is their wife.

This 💯. The kid has eyes, he chose to leave a mess. I wouldn’t have messaged his mum but I’d be speaking to him directly and not mince words. I doubt you’ll see him again though.

rainbow231 · 30/04/2025 05:33

Im with everyone else, utterly cringeworthy that you texted his mum! Your poor DS! Sounds like you don’t want to hear it though, so not sure why you bothered posting?

olympicsrock · 30/04/2025 05:34

My boys have been asked to clean bad skid marks but don’t always remember.
You job with a visiting child is just to sort it . His own mum’s job is to house train him and I’m sure she will be aware if this is something that is a frequent problem .

Poor boy and poor DS - no way his friend will want to return now!way to lose friends !

JojoM1981 · 30/04/2025 05:41

AutumnLeaves91 · 29/04/2025 22:52

Can tell you’re fun.

Because she won't put up with cleaning other people's mess? Riiight...🙄🙄🙄🤣

MaggieBsBoat · 30/04/2025 05:46

I would’ve replied then that she wouldn’t have so much work to do if she taught them to clean up after themselves and you hope that they learn before they inflict this on another woman!

Firenzeflower · 30/04/2025 05:48

You didn't really message surely?! Utterly mortifying. Poor kid.

Blueblell · 30/04/2025 05:50

I don’t blame you for being annoyed but it is a bit ridiculous to message his mum.

Londonlassy · 30/04/2025 05:57

My 11 year old regularly forgets to flush the toilet she has ADHD. When she is distracted or overwhelmed she just forgets. She would be deeply mortified if a parent complained about this when at a friend’s house. I would never humiliate a child like you did OP. Complete overreaction and nasty.

babyproblems · 30/04/2025 06:02

Id be worried about repercussions for your son tbh if you’ve messaged his mum! I do see your point but equally I think it’s an overreaction on your part.. it might also have been your son & he’s lied!

Horserider5678 · 30/04/2025 06:05

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:58

Why should he be able to treat my house with no respect at all and expect me to clean up after him? I’d be mortified if my DS behaved in such a manner. The message I sent was perfectly polite and I ensured it was worded in a reasonable tone.

With absolutely no thought for the fallout for your son! How do you know your son wouldn’t do the same thing or do you not let him visit friends? The way you started the thread it sounded like he’d smeared poo all around the bathroom! Get a grip and don’t message other parents over something that is actually quite trivial! Expect your son to come home saying he’s the laughing stock of his mates!

Peacepleaselouise · 30/04/2025 06:05

I think it’s crass to message someone with this. I just wouldn’t, whatever their age.