DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

I don’t think any such message could possibly be considered polite OP, no matter how you phrased it.

Yes he should have cleaned up after himself but you were wrong to message his mother. If one of your own friends had left the loo like this, would you have messaged them (or their parents)?

Agree again.

i know my upbringing wasn’t the norm when it came to house work, my DF and his brothers were raised to pull their weight, my Nan would give them a clip round the ear of more if they ever suggested their wives and daughters were responsible for housework.

The horrors! You're doing the ultimate sin of texting the teenager's mum - and I can see why teens find parents so embarrassing! Do you remember being an embarrassed teen, OP? 😆😳😖

Ah well. Never mind, aye. The boy won't be back now, so no need to fret any more 😉

I'd be mortified if you were my mother! I'm sure you and your son will be the talk of the school and not for the right reasons.

I'm cringing hard on your behalf 🥴🥴🥴

I imagine because she's friends with her and not his dad? OP can't text her dad if she doesn't have his number.

Both parents are at fault. Dad because it sounds like mum cleans up after him too but also mum because she is enabling them.

I’m mortified you think like this.

Put some bleach down it and remember you’re talking about a CHILD.

I’m cringing like mad for you. How embarrassing.

OP I’m 100% behind you. Why is everyone laughing this off as a boys will be boys thing?
Absolutely don’t allow him back in your home. And hell yes he should know why. Whether it’s via his mum or your son - it doesn’t matter who tells him.

11-yr-olds and 18-yr-olds are in secondary school in the UK?

I’m a HUGE certified ocd medicated germaphobe and I wound never in a million years behave like that.

This was not malicious, and I would never humiliate someone over poo. I doubt any one here would confront an adult friend over this. Why embarrass a kid?

My DD (20) has a male friend who was guilty of this a couple of times. I put a stop to it by shouting so that both my DC and DD’s friend all heard “can whoever has shat all over the toilet clean it up please”. I mean I knew full well who it was but yelling at closed doors was an effective resolution. Hasn’t happened again, I mean it probably has but at least he cleans it up now. I wouldn’t have messaged his mum 😂.

Yes, he should have cleaned up after himself but you were totally wrong to message his mum. How embarrassing for the lad and his mum.

Yes - middle schools are the exception rather than the norm, you'd start secondary aged 11 in year 7, and carry on to age 18 in the upper sixth if the school has a sixth form (alternatively do the sixth form years at a college)

^ @LeahYoga : you are SO SO right to have complained to his mum. Why should you pick up some man/boys 💩.

If his mother wants to do that, let her - but she should have taught him some manners.

If the boy is embarrassed: let him be

I have noticed friends of mine sending their kids back to check the loo is clean when visiting me/other friends, and it makes me think they are respectful people!

I just hope that his mum has not passed the message on to her son. No need to embarrass a child like this. She maybe should be telling him how to clean up any mess but

It’s normal to be disgusted but I think it’s something a lot of children/ teens would do without thinking. Totally weird and unreasonable to bring it up. Texting his mum is nuts 😳. Poor boys.

Oh my. Shocked you rang his mother. How weird.
also shocked you asked if you can tell your son he can’t invite him around again. Really!?

grow up.

boys or girls it doesn’t matter.

just ask the host - ie your son - to ensure things remain tidy.
and don’t you embarrass them by calling their mum.

Next time teach the boy basic skills.

I would never txt a mum about this. Move on.

It's his parents job to teach him those basic skills, not OP's.

Toilets are for poo and wee. I think you were utterly batshit to message the mum and to take it so personally re him disrespecting your house. I also don’t think this is a feminist issue as it’s not like the women’s toilets are always pristine.

Should he have checked the loo before leaving? Yes. Should you have let it go and just flushed the loo a few extra times? Yes.

@LeahYoga You ironically appear to be too embarrassed yourself to come back and reply to any of the other responders who were kind enough to use their time and effort to answer your question. I am reasonably sure that most of them replied for the sake of your dear son, and his dear friend, to try to get you to understand just how embarrassing it is for teenagers - especially those of 16 years and under (as the older ones would probably just wet themselves laughing at how uptight their poor mate's mum is!) - to have to deal with all sorts of emotions that are suddenly making themselves very uncomfortably, and confusingly, known. Were you never a teenager OP, or have you just buried those awkward and often embarrassing, but sometimes also amazing, teenage years, into the dark recesses of your mind?

So who, or what, is more important to you OP, the feelings of a young person unintentially having a quite severe bowel reaction in your toilet bowl, with maybe some of it even getting on to your toilet seat (isn't it a great pity that whoever invented toilet seats didn't make them easy to clean), which he hurriedly left without checking, as his embarrassment almost certainly made him vacate the bathroom as quickly as possible; or, is the fact, that to you, it seems much more likely that the young lad purposely disrespected both your bathroom, and you, and therefore, obviously and deliberately, left the unfortunate remnants of what was probably explosive diarrhoea, for you - who he may have previously thought must be a compassionate and loving mother, as your dear son is so very nice - to clean up?

My biggest worry now is that your - presumably and hopefully 'dear' - son, may never trust you to have his back when/if something actually important happens in his life. In fact, you may have, very sadly, already blown that trust, if you were ever lucky enough to have previously earned it. How can he trust you with his innermost feelings and worries, when he can't trust your reactions to the most minor of issues? Please OP, make some - believable - excuse to your DS, to his Dfriend, and to his Dfriend's mum, as to why you reacted in such an over-the-top and unreasonable way. That really is the only way that I think you have a chance to come out of this whole farce, reasonably un-scared. Of course, other Mumsnetters will have probably got much better suggestions for your way forward from this, if you indeed do want one?

Haven’t read the posts from midnight on but no one said boys will be boys, most are saying op’s actions embarrassed the teenagers.

No idea why you would message the mom, how odd. The areas you should have made your DS clean it up. Then your DS will either take it up directly with his friend, or accept he is the toilet skivvy when friend next comes round. I’m betting when friend next comes round and goes to use lip, your DS would say ‘oI, clean up after yourself, I had to do it after you last time, it was disgusting mate’. Problem solved.

The way you went about it was really odd.

Ffs, phone has gone mad with autocorrects that are not correct, should have been:

No idea why you would message the mum, how odd. You should have made your DS clean it up. Then your DS will either take it up directly with his friend, or accept he is the toilet skivvy when friend next comes round. I’m betting when friend next comes round and goes to use loo, your DS would say ‘oi, clean up after yourself, I had to do it after you last time, it was disgusting mate’. Problem solved.
The way you went about it was really odd.

Horrible that you messaged his mum. If I was thr friend I'd never set foot in your house again. You could potentially have ruined their friendship.

There are kind ways of dealing with it. This wasn't it..

You realise there is no poo to pick up, just marks in the toilet. It literally means op has to put a little bit of bleach down and flush after 30m…job is done