DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

Omg i would not have messaged his mum. Pointless. If he's left it like that its because he has been raised in a home where he's been allowed to get away with leaving it like that, 20 to 1 the mum is not going to say anything anyway.

Great post.

Oh and the obvious solution was to make your DS clean up after his mate.

That way your DS will not enjoy that and is likely to tell his mate to clean his own mess up next time, probably in an embarrassing way in front of peers that actually results in a change in behaviour next time.

Indeed.

I don't really understand why getting a toilet brush and scrubbing the shite around the bowl then putting the brush back would help?! There'd just be shite sitting festering next to your toilet potentially for days?!

But then again I don't have a toilet brush.
I'd have told DS friend he needs gloves, bleach and a cloth that will be thrown away!

But yeah, it's embarrassing for all concerned. If you shame him then I very much doubt he'll do it again. But toilet brushes in other people's houses when you've done a poonami are not helpful as far as I can work out.

Nonsense.

Cleanliness and decent standards of consideration aren't a mark of privilege. They cost nothing.

You sound odd with very little to worry about. Don't you have respect for your sons friendships? It is all part of the course.

I really don't think that'd be the reaction of most people. I think most people would be embarrassed and horrified that their children don't display better and more respectful behaviour when visiting other people's houses.

It’s not reverse snobbery to have basic hosting manners. Obviously I clean my own toilet. I also don’t humiliate my guests for making what is, as another poster ventured, a minor social faux pa. As many others have pointed out this is a child who may well have had a tummy issue. It is not an adult deliberately smearing fecal matter on the walls.

Some of these threads 🤣

No, it's not. I never had my friends soil my parents' bathroom...what's wrong with you people?!

Also, where was the boy's respect for the OP, and his friendship with her son, when he left his smelly excrements in her toilet?

That really isn’t the case.

Are you in denial about what toilets are actually for?

As a genuine question for those horrified by this - if you were in a public toilet and left behind marks in the bowl, what would you do? As a general rule there are no toilet brushes or bleach available.

Judging by his mother's response to OP addressing her son's shit, I really don't think this is a matter of a boy having IBS or whatever. It's clearly learned behaviour that he doesn't need to clean up after himself, because mummy and others boys' mummies will do it for him.

Agree. Laughing shows poor values and character. Decent people would apologize and remind their son about rock-bottom manners in others' homes.

What?
Ok so some men don’t care as much? Its not intrinsically part of being a woman to have a clean loo is it.
Cleaning standards aren’t biological.

I would think someone leaving my loo in a state is a bit grotty. Male or female. Same as leaving muddy footprints or dropping food on the floor. It’s nothing more than different standards.

No? Toilets are for releasing yourself, they're not there to put your internal garbage on exhibition for the next users. Just like I know that kitchens are for cooking food, but I still need to do the dishes and clean off spills, grease etc. I don't just leave kitchen mess to fester.

I mean, do what you want in your own home, I guess. But don't practice your low standards in other people's home. It doesn't take more than two brain cells to understand that most people probably are disgusted by shit. Especially other people's shit.

I know that. But I don't think he meant for his words to apply to shit-stained toilets...

Shit in the toilet is a million times better than shit on a toilet brush IMO. Unless you have disposable toilet brush wand heads or some nearby toilet cleaner, I'd rather they leave the skid marks alone than messing up my brush.

Wow 🤣🤣

If I received a message from my son's friend's mother asking me to ask him to clean the loo of skidmarks I'd genuinely think they were a bit fragile and I'd have a bit of concern for the mother. My husband said he'd think she was a right weirdo and laugh his head off. So there's 2 sides.

The correct way to do this is in a frank but lighthearted manner. When you next see him "Colin, while I think on; if you need a poo - we use the brush afterwards in this house. No one needs to see your produce, thank you!" That's embarrassing enough. Never mind tattle tailing!

Jeez!!!

one of my sons friends was round and used our toilet, and we found after he’d gone home, that he’d left a “present” which we couldn’t flush whatever we did.

we dealt with it, and it was a standing joke for a while after … ‘I hope you haven’t done a (enter boys name) in the toilet ????’

I wouldn’t have dreamt of contacting the parents and shaming him… can you imagine the backlash for my own son…‘Don’t go round to his house, you’re not allowed to use the toilet !!’

overreacting much !!

Entirely different situation. Visitors don’t routinely cook for themselves in someone else’s kitchen. If they do, the means of cleaning said kitchen are freely available. However, given a significant number of Mners horror of the toilet brush, and the fact that they appear to favour a one-use cloth, gloves and bleach, are you suggesting that this teenage boy should have had the savour-faire to approach his friends mother and say ‘Mrs X, I’ve left skid marks in your loo. Can you provide me with whatever cleaning materials you deem appropriate?’

Because when adult Mners can’t tell someone that, no, they can’t host a family of nine they met once for a fortnight, or that no, they won’t be doing a twenty mile round trip to drop off little X after gymnastics, and seem routinely unable to excrete anywhere other thsn home, that seems a tall order.

Of course this is true