DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

Wait...don't you think it's more embarrassing for everyone concerned that you MESSAGED. HIS. MUM.?

This. If he’d come round a few times and done the same I might have had a word with the kid but not his mum.

that said if I had a message as a mum I’d be mortified

Some of the replies on here are crazy. Of course op shouldn’t have messaged the boy’s mum. If anything had to be said, I would have asked my son to mention it in passing to his friend. Along the lines of ‘mum was a bit annoyed about the mess you left in the loo last time you were here, please clean up after yourself next time’. Job done. Anything else is just escalating the matter unnecessarily.

It's not a struggle to see where his laziness and entitlement comes from! With his mum defending him. I would have him round again when he's learned to be less grim

As a teenager, your son's friend was the one responsible, not his mother.
Invite the boy over again and ask the two boys to come upstairs with you as you show both your son and his friend how to clean a toilet.

Give a demonstration and state clearly that is is always the responsibility of the user to clean up after them selves and that the toilet should never be left as it was left last visit.

Then step back and ask guest teenager to practise using the brush, flushing etc to show that he had learnt a new skill.

Thank him and tell him it is important that he knows that socially acceptable, civilised, adult skill.

@op gained an opportunity to ‘virtue signal’ and score a misguided point about her own high standards. ‘I (and my family) am cleaner than you (and your family)’.

Tiresome.

I expect @op is the kind of person who also holds her cutlery strangely, believing this demonstrates some kind of phoney refinement.

Why is this OP’s job? I wouldn’t be doing any of that.

My kids are grown up now but I have fond memories of hosting their friends. However over the years they have broken beds, a sink, put a hole in a wall, left skids, left food mess, left dubious tissues, got drunk, been sick, been turfed out of bedroom, the list goes on. They are now all fine young adults and I’m still very fond of them.

More likely she was disgusted by the shit stains and doesn’t want him back in her house.

Kid does a shit. HOLD THE FRONT PAGE.

I say close the front door on him until he learns to clean after himself.

While in a perfect world it wouldn’t have happened, I really don’t agree that it’s quite the big deal that 20% of people say it is. First world problems and all that. People should get over themselves.

You're absolutely convinced you are right so why did you ask Mumsnet? The poll clearly shows most people disagree with you

If the mate is going to be visiting regularly, unless Op wants to clean up a messy toilet again, it is her job to clearly explain the task of cleaning the toilet because the kid's parents have failed to do so.
Or Op can ask that the boy not visit, or ask her son to request that his friend cleans up after himself even though he doesn't know how - which is doomed and Op could have to clean it again. The son could also be asked to clean up after his guest. I prefer the option of teaching young guest a new skill.

I've had many a teenager around the house and they are equally as disgusting. Its not a boy/girl thing. I would just stick some bleach down and move on. Its not woman's work either. Both my husband and my kids do the clean up after parties.

Poor kid. Maybe he doesn’t examine the toilet bowl after use.

Bit of bleach, job done. Personally, find toilet brushes revolting, wouldn’t touch one.

Can't believe there are 16 pages on this but speaking as someone who worked in a 6th form college where the boys used to used the disabled loos to do their messy business (and clearly none of them had been taught to clean up after themselves) and those were the only toilets on those floors also available to staff...

Yuk! Boys (or girls come to that) need to know this is not ok.

Is there a single life skill it quicker to teach a child to than do it yourself? If we accepted your logic for never teaching children there would be forty year olds still in nappies and being fed pureed food.

How long cleaning the loo takes is not the issue.

I can't believe you've embarrassed your son by sending a message.....chances are none of his mates will be coming around anymore!

I agree. I would never message any parent about something like this.

He may have thought the flush would have been enough to clean the bowl & didn't think to look. I would have put it down to that & dealt with it. If it happened again it's the boy himself I'd have spoken to letting him know he must check the toilet is clean before leaving.

I agree completely, @Whatwouldnanado.

He probably did not even notice it! To contact his mother over something so very minor is beyond credence!

It is not as if he spread shit all round the bathroom - there were just a few skid marks in the bowl.

@MrsSkylerWhite how do you clean the loo without a brush?

You messaged his mum?! Fucking hell are you ok??! 😳 💩 🚽