DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

Nobody is embarrassing him for having a poo, but for leaving the next person using the loo to clean up his mess. Squirting bleach doesn’t remove dried on smears and cling ones. You have to scrub. Don’t know what’s more disgusting - the fact that he left someone else to clean up after him, or that so many posters don’t see anything wrong with it.

Well no, I'm just a normal busy person who doesn't have a toilet fixation. If my toilet needs cleaning, I'll notice it next time I use it, unless it's obvious during the session itself that it'll be needing a cleanup.

I'd imagine that's quite normal and seems to be solidly backed up by the voting on this thread. Or do you really think over 80% of people are wrong, and messaging guest's mothers about these things is not batshit behaviour?

Good way for OP to make sure her son has no friends.

I agree, how embarrassing for the poor lad. He'll be frightened now to use the loo at other people's houses!
Of course it would be good for him to be shown how to clean the loo and do that when he's a older teenager, but that's not your job to do that. I'd have just got on and cleaned it.

I lived in a house share with 2 guys from work some years ago. 3 young professionals. I went away for the weekend and came back to a toilet full of skid marks and totally disgusting. Both housemates were home and so I asked them to go and clean it. One very expensively boarding educated guy said that was my job now I was back. And then laughed. I didn’t laugh. Eventually he went to clean it muttering what was the point of women if they didn’t clean up!
I guess his wife now cleans up after him.
My family all sort themselves out. No skid marks left in our toilets and they don’t expect anyone else to clean up after them either.

If the mess was that bad, the toilet brush ( had it been used) would have been grim!!

I wouldn’t have messaged the mum, instead I would have got my bleach and cleaned it ( this time!) Any future mess and I would have a word ( but not in a humiliating way) How old is the boy?

Yanbu to be disgusted by this, but YABU to expect your own son to deal with communicating about this and clearly the child's own mother can't be arsed to enforce the rules of civilisation and would rather clean up after other people's disgusting behaviour rather than teach them how to behave - you can't fix that.

I echo the pp suggestion that next time your DS has this friend around you talk to the friend directly, tell them their previous actions were unacceptable and if they ever do such a thing again they will not be welcome in your house again, but that it is absolutely fine to ask for advice and instructions for how to clean up after himself if his own parents haven't taught him how to leave a lavatory in an acceptable state for the next user.

No one is excusing it. It's gross. I've got two teenage boys and if they make a mess in the toilet, they're absolutely expected to clean it.

But we are all thinking about the posters own son, who could be now left with no friends ever wanting to visit the house in case his mum messages their mum about the toilet.

What? You’ve clearly not been shown how to use a toilet brush! Youre supposed to use it while flushing and make sure the water rinses the brush clean - this is also where a silicon bristle brush is more hygienic than a nylon bristle one…

^ yes. However, IME, any parents who have invited their kids to my home ensure the loo is clean after/ask the kids to check. This is kids aged 4-9 mostly

For a secondary school aged child to expect other people to look at their body waste & clear it up is extremely disrespectful. It is a parents' job to teach that and if this child's parents are not enforcing this, the OP is correct to bring it to their attention

All those who are saying they would have just cleaned it up themselves: are you happy to clean a soiled toilet at work before you can use it... its a 30 sec job!

YANBU that it's gross
YABU to message his mum

Well indeed.

It's important to me that my DC's friends feel welcome in our house. Sometimes they have manners that put my DC to shame. Sometimes not so much.

Some friends I know so well I will pull them up on fairly minor stuff. Newer friends I'll be more accommodating though if they're breaking any particular 'house rules' I'll let them know that's not how we do things here (stuff like asking before taking food, rooms that are out of bounds). But it would really have to be something major to mention it to a parent.

Some people saying the child would be banned from every returning...what on earth?! Are you out of your minds? Is this a big enough deal for you to alienate your son from a friend? Or worse still alienate your son from you?

Pigs. I wouldn’t have them around again. Given the mother’s shifty attitude, god knows what he’ll do next. You don’t need your son being influenced by such people.

Any halfway decent woman would have apologized and attempted to do better.

He should be embarrassed.

Women need to stop fucking coddling and excusing boys and young men. That’s how we’re ending up with so many abysmal, entitled, gross adult men.

And yet you obviously think it's women's work to teach men how to use the toilets. I would have just poured bleach in the toilet, cleaned it and never have let him stay until he is older.

The OP didn’t have to clean up, her son could have cleaned up after his guest.

YANBU, but I wouldn’t have texted her about it. He’s gross 😷 , she’s (I didn’t catch if she’s married, but if so they are) clearly raising 3 of them like that. Lucky girls (or boys) that date them in future. The toilet is probably the least of their anti social issues.

Wow !

What??? You’re not making sense.

Of course whoever is raising and parenting children should be teaching them how to use a toilet, which includes leaving it clean for the next person.

Stop coddling your sons, people. And don’t “laugh off” disrespectful, disgusting, inconsiderate behaviour.

As the mother of the boy said, in the time it took you to text her, you could have just cleaned the loo! FFS, get a grip.

It's unpleasant and a bit rude but to message his mum is totally OTT! He probably didn't even look behind him to see if he'd made any skid marks.I bet my kids have messed up a loo in their time but I've never heard from any other parents letting me know!

Presumably he has a father too though. My father would definitely have told my brothers not to make a mess of toilets. No way would he have seen it as a woman's job to teach them and that was in the 70s. And even if OP didn't know the father's number why not tell her son to clean up after his guests in future or make sure they clean up after themselves?

That’s hardly the point.

Some people seem to go through life looking for opportunities to cause drama. OP you've taught your own child to clean up, well done. You're not responsible for teaching everyone else's children. It was very likely a simple mistake/oversight not at all malicious and you've caused all this drama for zero reason, humiliated a teenager, upset their mum and likely embarrassed your own son and what have you gained? I would have told your son what his friend did and let him sort it out, ie "my mum had a right go at me because you left the toilet in a state" etc etc

This happens a bit in our house - partly because of the design of our bathrooms. The flush buttons are deliberately placed so that you have to close the lid to flush. Flushing with the lid up sends germs into the air, so realistically not many people are going to do their buisness, close lid, flush, wash hands and then lift the lid to check! But id rather that than sending germs flying round my bathrooms! Shove some bleach down and a quick scrub and all sorted.