DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

One of my friends doesn't have one. It was also an issue on a really old episode of four in a bed. One place had no loo brushes, the owner said if it was needed they could call to reception to ask and she would do it 😳

I’d have asked your son to address it with the friend - in a jokey way but letting him know it’s not how you roll in your house. You’d be doing the friend a favour as his Mum clearly hasn’t taught him how to behave.

This is why women end up doing the majority of household labour. Because we ‘laugh it off’ and clean up after the men folk.

He's an old enough lad that he can clean his own shit stains.

Well no. It was quite clear from the mums reply that he’s never been taught because mummy does it for him. Also quite clear that mummy expected OP to accept these low standards and just suck it up. So many apologists for disgusting manners in someone elses’ home.

“Oh skid marks, pass the smelling salts I can’t cope!”

If this was a younger secondary child (11-12) I’d have just rolled my eyes and thrown bleach in the loo. They’re young enough to be still learning, or embarrassed or not notice or whatever.

If it was a 16 year old and it was a particular mess I’d have got my DS to sort it out (then he can take it up with his mate as he sees fit). If it was a kid I had a good relationship with next time they were over the might get a jokey comment from me. But at that age the idea that you would message a parent about it?! Madness.

I just cannot begin to imagine feeling so strongly about something like this that I wouldn’t stop and think “is this going to help me or my DS to send this message or am I going to look unhinged and potentially impact my son’s friendships?”.

Even more disturbing is that so many posters think it’s fine to teach your son that cleaning up his shit is womens’ work.

I wonder if the OP texts about other 'transgressions'
*Incorrect placement of cutlery at end of meal
*Not pushing chair in post meal
*Not taking plate to the kitchen, scraping and popping into the dishwasher (rinse plate first?)
*Leaving a used cup in the kitchen (or elsewhere in the house)
*Raised voice in house
*Not putting toilet seat down
*An audible body noise
*Profanity

The list goes on. We all hope our kids do the right thing at other people's houses - and each house has different rules (shoes on / off is always a topic here...) , but if they don't, except in the case of violence and rude out of control behaviour, I wouldn't expect to text the other parent. In fact, I've never had to text another parent.

A part of me wonders if this was a teenage girl, would it be as acceptable?

I run a tight ship and have 3 kids aged 1-8. While I certainly would expect better from them (at secondary school age), I would not contact a guest’s mother about that. Having a clean house is important, but when you host children there is a level of wear and tear to take on the chin.

I can’t believe you messaged his mum!
I would have cleaned it and then spoken to your son and asked him to have a little word with his mate about cleaning the loo after use. He could have then done it in a jokey ‘lads’ way rather than embarrass his friend.

Some kids probably don’t think much about that sort of thing at that age.

Well yes. As I said, he's probably just a thoughtless teenager who doesn’t know, or forgot, that he should clean the loo after he's used it.

You told his Mum?
You should have just cleaned it/told DS to do it and make sure he told his friend not to do it again.
If one of DS's friends Mums messaged me like that I would have thought she was nuts

Quite. "Laugh it off"? Really? Some women here to to get a little self respect 😞

Wow. Good on you for saying something. Her life sounds shit - quite literally!

I get that he’s old enough to know to clean up. But I think you sound very superior and patronising and that was the actual motive behind your text to thd mum. Or is your son super perfect in every aspect of his life? Not very kind imho.

It was gross but I can’t believe you messaged his mum!

You seem to be assuming that OP is female, accepting that cleaning toilets is OP's job in her household, and that it was right to complain to the boy's mother rather than his father about it!

After I've used the toilet I put the lid down, flush it and walk away

Are you the mum ?

Yes, he is old enough to clean up after himself, BUT I wouldn't have reacted the way you did.
I would have just dealt with it and not said anything.

It certainly wouldn't have even entered my head to message the mum.
I have teenage sons (although mine always clean up after themselves) and if II'd received a text like that I would have rolled my eyes without a doubt.
I think the other mum handled it well to be fair.

You messaged his mum about some skid marks.....

In the time it took you to consider, complete and send a message to this boys mum you could have squirted some bleach in the toilet. Totally unreasonable to embarrass the boy for having a poo

No, not assuming anything. I imagine OP would have complained to whichever parent could be contacted. And from the mum’s reply, none of the males in her household clean the toilet because they’ve conditioned her to believe it’s her job, so what would be the point ?

Can't believe you messaged his mum!!!!

I would not have messaged the mum. It wouldn't have occurred to me unless the boy smeared shit all over the walls and walked it all through the house for good measure. I mean, are we talking a few skid marks in the pan? I think the OP sounds rather precious and just a tad superior.

Some batshit replies on this thread!

You were completely right OP to expect this teenager to clean up after himself and to mention to his mum that he made a mess of your bathroom and could not bother to clean up after himself.

It is your house and you are not a maid put on earth to clean up shit from men and boys...

Strange that so many people on this thread are willing to excuse and enable poor behaviour.

His mother's response and behaviour is part of why boy and men become and stay entitled all their life and expect the little women to put up with their shit...in this case literally.

Keep your standards high OP and never welcome this boy in your house again.

When you say he left it in a mess, I'm assuming it was just the toilet bowl? There wasn't crap all over the bathroom? If just toilet bowl, his only crime was using your toilet really. Maybe he's not been shown how to clean a toilet yet.

I couldn't get worked up about it! (If was just toilet bowl) Surely squirt of bleach and a scrub with brush and all sorted.

I'd be mortified that you contacted his mum and can't believe you are saying he can't come round any more!