DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

This is so ridiculous I am reminded of the poo troll.....

Exactly...

A good upbringing means not that you won't spill sauce on the tablecloth, but that you won't notice it when someone else does.
Anton Chekhov

He’s just a thoughtless teenager who doesn’t know, or forgot, that he should clean the loo after he's used it. He probably leaves crisp packets on the floor too.

You could have mentioned it in a jokey way to him the next time he came round. That might have been embarrassing for him - but you chose to embarrass his mother as well.

Quite, embarrassing the boy and his mother is shocking manners.

This 💯

His mum should be embarrassed. I don’t have sons but my DM would never let my DB leave the toilet I see some men do. It’s disgraceful and without meaning to put it on woman it’s when we clean up this shit they don’t learn. I’d never live with a man who behaved this way. Yuck

"All over"? Or "in"? Silly me, I thought that’s what toilets were for.
"Repeatedly"? Where did that come from?

Did photographic evidence accompany this message? 😂

I do think the age matters here. I constantly tell my 11yr old to flush etc. She is always being reminded that toilet manners exists too. But if a mum messaged me in this manner I would feel it was designed to shame my child.. If she were 16 however, I would rightly pull her up about it.

I agree with pp's regarding toilet brushes. Monstrous things, so I would have been pissed off having to clean up after this boy.

Still wouldn't have messaged his mum though.

I wouldn't forbid him to come round again but I would say something to him (not his mum) next time he comes. Just show him where the toilet brush and/or cleaning liquid is and say you'd appreciate it if he uses them if he makes a mess.

I suspect Mr Chekhov was unfamiliar with how tablecloths got clean again so could easily afford to turn his ignorance into a virtue.

I doubt I'd notice who made a mess if I had zero responsibility for cleaning it up.

Your point is absolutely fair.

Just a thought… is there any chance it could’ve been your son? And too embarrassed he blamed his friend. It sounds like something a lot of kids would do to detract from being embarrassed

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Oh gosh. I worry my son will do this. We have three toilets and two of them don't flush properly, so my DS's (now 11 and 13) have learnt to leave it until mum or dad come along to flush them. I really worry they will go to friends houses and not flush because they r used to not flushing. And as they don't flush, they also don't use the brush. Again, I worry how this will go at other people houses.

We reaaaaly need to get our toilets fixed but no money at present. They've not flushed for years

You mean that YOU would be embarrassed to tell him?
Thats on you, then - I’d have pulled him aside and explained kindly that he needs to leave the loo, any loo, as he finds it - ie. clean for the next person to use, and especially when not in his own home, although he should have some consideration for his family, too!
I’ve had to educate a small number of DC’s friends in etiquette/manners issues occasionally over the years. Most have continued to visit our house and DC’s, and a few have expressed gratitude for these moments, years later, that I’d prevented them from future embarrassment!

A bit twee but I'd put one of those "please leave the toilet as you find it" notices next to the loo.
Good for you for being considerate enough to provide a toilet brush, not everyone does and it's most embarrassing if you are a visitor and need to clean after yourself.

Hold on a second. It was very stupid for the mum and not the dad to of even flagged it up in that case 😂.

I think you are totally overanalysing how teenagers view things like cleaning the toilet! Infact I reckon in our house the dad cleans them more anyway so I don’t think they apply the logic that a women will clean them up regardless …

And also more likely if he has a mum with form for - ahem - losing her shit over something so trivial.

I can't believe you messaged his mum 😳 at lot of young people that age wouldn't feel confident helping themselves to the loo brush in someone else's home and chances are they already felt embarrassed they'd left skid marks and potentially a smell.

Given the number of adults who don't bother sorting out after themselves as evidenced by work place toilets regularly left a mess I think you are a bit unreasonable. Have you got nothing better to do with your time than message a kids mum asking why he didn't scrub your loo after using 🙄

@JojoM1981 @Motnight and the OP @LeahYoga I’m so sorry, I’ve only just realised my comment was put on the wrong thread! I blame my baby for my sleep deprived brain 😂 sorry - to add my opinion, of course the friend needs to be held accountable! I wouldn’t personally message the mum though, I’d maybe make it clear to your son about his friends leaving everything clean - or generally say to friends and son, be tidy boys etc. Defo not nice to come across that in your bathroom 😖

Totally this.

what in heaven’s name is it with (some……. hopefully a tiny minority??!) of people not having a toilet brush?

To save visitors’ embarrassment, if nothing else…

Was it just skid marks in the toilet? Or was there any on the seat or anywhere else other than the toilet bowl?

So there was just marks where poo had hit the toilet bowl when he did his business?

I really hope the friend doesn't go into school and tell your dc mates that you messaged his mum. You may have created loads of ammo for teasing

WOW I actually can't believe you texted his mum.

Should he have used the toilet brush, absolutely, but he didn't. I do find it manky when people don't but some really don't seem to see it as something needs to be done every person I lived with at uni