DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

No you was not polite, you're completely out of line here. If it were me I would have just told both my son and the friend, if the friend came round again, boys if you use the loo and need to clean up a mess there's a brush there, it's OK to use it. You went all out to humiliate. I think the other mum did well with you. When mine had friends over and they were making a mess (not in the loo) I'd just address them all as a group and say kids can you all take your plates to the kitchen and so on, and guess what not one of them was offended and they listened.

Would you have shamed an adult guest in that way? Very rude. Just clean it up.

Clearly no shaming mother or son.
No I wouldn't be happy at my loo being left in that state.
Absolutely disgusting.

If you do allow him to visit again, say to him directly how you expect the loo to be left.

There is no way I would be willing to host him if that was the aftermath.

You contacted his mother???!!!
What were you thinking of?
Madness!!

This would have been a lot better.

If basic civility is letting a random child shit all over your toilet repeatedly then count me out.

For goodness sake, a loo is easily cleaned.
How awful for the poor lad that you contacted his mum - that's an utterly ridiculous thing to do.

So she needs to clean random shit to facilitate friendships?

OP didn't lose her shit she politely messaged his mother.

If he didn't know how to clean a toilet or recognise a toilet brush then his mother is now aware of that gap in his life skills education and she can either correct it or delegate responsibility for that to his father.

Saying nothing would have left him in ignorance, how is he supposed to learn if he is not told.

I agree he should have cleaned up after himself. However, I wouldn’t have texted his mother complaining about it. That’s a really bizarre thing to do.

Do you think perhaps he had a bit of a tummy situation, made a mess, was mortified, panicked and pretended nothing happened and went home?

Mumsnet really is a window into a whole different world about how people’s minds work.

I can’t even begin to imagine being so uptight about a skidmark in a toilet that I’d have even given this a second thought - just fling bleach in the loo in the course of normal cleaning and move on with my day. Texting the friend’s mum. Is just WILD.

Also reading down the thread about people being “taught never to do a poo in someone else’s toilet”?! This is so weird and not healthy!

Honestly I’m mortified for you OP. It’s an unhinged reaction to something totally normal (poo in a loo, whatever next!) and socially ignorant (embarrassing absolutely everyone involved - the mum, the son, your son, yourself).

I'd have thought the other mum would have been embarrassed but clearly not from her reaction. That's why the world is in the state it's in.

I'm shocked that you all think OP shouldn't have called the friend's mum. Of course she should have! Although, in this instance, the kid's mother sadly doesn't give a shit. So her boy is literal shit. No way he'd be back at my house. I'm nobody's toilet cleaner.

Maybe at home there are toilet brushes - if you haven't got them he wouldn't have known how to clean it up without knowing where your cleaning kit is?

Regardless, you can be angry and annoyed, but messaging the mum to embarrass a teenager is a step too far.

It's not shaming though, it would be definitely expecting that that adult could leave as they found. Or that they would explain if they had to leave. Why should the host clean it up?

Maybe you enjoy seeing other people's shit and skidmarks, and cleaning other people's excrements, but most people don't. It's not about being uptight, this is just really disgusting and unhygienic.

Totally agree op.
I'd hazard a guess your ds friend is used to having everything done by mummy.
I'd be mortified if my ds did that.
I bet the mum was embarrassed and that explains her response, covering her embarrassment.

Whilst obviously grim you’ve made your son a laughingstock by his mum kicking off about skid marks
I would of told your ds to sought it if you absolutely couldn’t

Rubber gloves. Bathroom cleaner. Mask. 😂
Sorted.

Hang on. My bad. Thought you said there wasn't a toilet brush in there but you said there was.

Anyway, I don't think you need to worry - I'm sure he won't come round again!

What does your son think about you messaging his friends mum about this? Is he not cringing ??

Same! I find the message weird - would have taken it to the kid directly. But the posters saying basically it’s not a biggie… of course it is! Would you say this about a girl too? I imagine the answers would be different and more aiming towards the girls behavior than accepting it.

It‘s unacceptable to leave a toilet shit stained - for girls and boys. Some women here should have higher standards and expectations for adolescent boys. Otherwise their future partners or romantic interests will have to deal with their (literal and figurative) shit.

I have already said that if OP wasn’t prepared to clean it (reasonable) then asking her DS to clean up after his guest would have been better.

Then DS could raise it in the best way with his own friend (mate, my mum made me clean up your shit, do it yourself next time, eh, dickhead?) if he wanted to.

Shit Boy is the bigger laughing stock. How embarrassing for him to have reached teenage, and he's still not potty trained.

This - it doesn’t mean he knew it was messy and left it anyway - it’s likely he had a lot in the bowl and then shut the lid and flushed without checking there were skid marks. It’s not something that’s crossed my mind to mentioned to my kids to check for skid marks post flush so will do now!!
no idea why as an adult you would shame him in this way though - kids of today have enough to get on with.
its sad you thought contacting his mum was a good idea