Would it bother you if your partner got up later than you?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Partner 1 has a full time professional job and gets up at 6.30am every weekday.

Partner 2 was a SAHM to 3 dc and now works part time (2 days/week).

P2 loves sleep and sometimes doesn’t get up till 10am on non working days. P2 does all the cooking, laundry and house admin.

If you were P1, would P2’s late getting up bother you?

This would probably annoy me, but I'm not actually sure why. 😂

10am is rather late but if he/she did all the housework and ferrying children, it would not bother me if I was person 1.

Late risers give me the ick so badly. I don’t even know why but I find it gross 🤣. My mum does too so as a teenager she’d be in our rooms opening curtains and plonking cups of tea on bedside tables the moment the clock turned 9am on a Saturday or Sunday 😂 (I fear I may be the same)

I also agree with a PP that it sounds lonely- do you not even attempt to get up at the same time on his days off? So he’s up for a good few hours without you? That’s kind of sad for him too I think.

I’m P2 as well. My husband gets up 6:30ish every day. I wfh 2days a week and don’t get up till my youngest leaves for school. He’s my youngest but still old enough to get himself up and out and not need me. I will usually chat to him before he goes but that’s it. I then get up for work about 8ish or later if it’s a non work day. My husband has no opinion on it. I’ve just asked him though since there are bizarre people on here saying you should get up early if one person is and you should work full time if you do t need to do childcare. That’s not only laughable but ridiculous. Why on earth do you think we all need to work or do the same as each other in a marriage? My husband agrees with me and couldn’t care less when I get up. He also doesn’t care if I work part time or full time. He knows how much I do in the home and for our children. He appreciates we can all do our own thing. If I wanted to work full time, he’d support that too. That’s a normal marriage.

@Riaanna Why, specifically, is getting up at 10 an issue? Instead of hypothesising about other issues the DH hasn’t raised, what is the specific problem of rising at 10am?

My partner is up before me and likes to make a point about it 🙄 however he’s done nothing to contribute to the running of the household and is just sat on his phone .
I am not even a late riser , I’m up by 8am .
I am the one who does all the morning chores .
also he’s in bed early while I do all those late night chores too

Presumably the point is you’re not getting 3 1/2 hours extra sleep over your partner, you’re at least part the time just lazing in bed watching TV or on your phone or something similar.

in that case whether you’ve done the cooking for the day or laundry is neither here nor there, frankly you could get out of bed a couple of hours before he comes home and still accomplish all that.

The point is there probably are things you could do in at least some of that time that are productive and helpful, but you’re not. And that’s annoying him.

i dont think you need to feel bad. Is it possible your partners comments are playful but ill-judged and he would accept it if you just said something like ‘hey give me a break, please?’

altogether it sounds like a balanced load and your lie ins aren’t impacting him so why should he care?

my partner has occasional digs but i’m pretty confident that they are in good humour. Although tbh i probably wouldnt care if they weren't because i know i pull my weight.

for context, our day-to-day looks like this…

I am P2 here but slightly different situation.
we both work fulll-time. i work from home. P1 is higher earner (not entirely relevant, but feels liike it might be worth mentioning in terms of daily workload) and we have a 3 yr old.

my lie-ins are till 7:30/8 while he gets up with toddler around 6:30. He spends an hour playing and watching with her tv in the mornings then i get up and take over while he gets ready. I get her dressed, hair brushed (no mean feat) and toileted (another battle). Nursery is near his work so they leave some time between 8:30 and 9 which is my time to get ready to start work for 9:30.
I also do all the cooking, groceries and laundry. In the evenings, when they come back I try and make sure he gets 30 min to himself for yoga (helps his back pain) but we alternate bed time with him doing slightly more of them.

on the weekends my lie-ins are longer but we generally spend the weekend together and he probably gets a few more ‘off days as he has a hobby that takes him out on monthly basis.

Also… if ther is no child care or other time sensitive activities in the morning… why should you get up if you fancy a lie in? What are you expected to do? Sit there and look pretty? twiddle your thumbs?

Some people need more sleep than others. I need more than my DH, by about 1-2 hours a night. Sometimes like if we have a day out planned and he is go go go ready packed, waiting it annoys him.

Generally it doesn't, as I contribute more than him to the house running and work FT, but less hours than him. He infact sometimes likes it when I stay asleep, when he is off on one of his crazy 14 hour work days as he likes his peace and quiet upon waking and I tend to talk. He realizes I need more sleep. I think some people just do, I have hypothyroidism, but am medicated. If I don't sleep 8 or 9 hours I am a bitch, don't perform well. Etc.

My parents are the same my Father a successful businessman needs at least an hour more than my mother who worked 20 hrs max a week, and had a lot of help.with the house and children. Cleaner, gardener, cook you get the idea. They are still very happily married. He still sleeps a lot more than her ;)

This.

Wouldn't bother me at all if I was P1. In fact I like having the house to myself while I get ready

my Father a successful businessman needs at least an hour more than my mother who worked 20 hrs max a week, and had a lot of help.with the house and children. Cleaner, gardener, cook you get the idea.

Would make sense that the partner working more is more tired. In OPs case, it's the partner with more relaxed life who also sleeps more, which is a different dynamic.

I hate that my DH goes to bed 0100 - 0200 and gets up 0900 - 1000 whilst I've walked dogs and been at work for 1 - 2 hours by that time. He's always done it but I don't get, nor didn't with young children, a lie in. 😤 not even on my birthday 😒

If P2 does all the household jobs + childcare + a part-time job, they probably work as a hard as/harder than P1. Presumably, P1’s time away from their work is free time.
If this is the set-up, a 10am ‘lie in’ on some days sounds reasonable to me.

"children" are adults, there's not that much hands on caring to do.

Mumsnet would not take kindly to a man working part time when kids are adults…

I think my DH is quite jealous when he's getting up at 7am and I'm sleeping in! Mind you, he came back to bed around 10am and is currently snoring away. I do quite a lot of admin in bed.

Often you're the one who's been up in the night so you're allowed to catch up on sleep so don't feel bad.

Why? (and I note you ignore the child with significant needs).

If the whole family has an easier and more comfortable life with one member acting as housekeeper/carer and they don’t need the extra money then why is it better for all of them to come home from work and start chores every night?

The only person taking a risk in this situation is the part time SAHP who won’t be building up independent pension plans/savings on the three days a week equivalent spent looking after everyone else.

Housekeepers, childcarers, cleaners, cooks, gardeners, admins are all freeloaders are they? Or is it only when that work is done by (mostly) women for blood relatives that its “freeloading”?

Well perhaps he can start getting home from work and sharing with the cooking, clearing up and laundry so that the OP finishes her tasks roughly when he gets home.

As it is she is effectively staggering her hours. I’ve had staff who rock up at 10/10:30 and are still working at 8pm. Not sure why that is a less virtuous than rocking up at 9:00 and toddling off at 6pm.

I’ve never been a SAHM but for a brief period of a bit under two years for various reasons I had a SAHD. Suddenly I realised just how fucking easy my male colleagues with SAHMs had had life for years.

No need to worry about what time I needed to be somewhere non work related.
No need to worry if there was a late invite to meet a client after work.
No worrying about getting DC1 to the orthodontist, DC2 to sports club, DC3&4 to other places.
No worrying about school calling to say “DC has just vomited”.
No worrying about cover for training days, holidays etc.
No worrying if I noticed we had run out of eggs or similar as I was leaving the house - just mark it on the fridge board.
No worrying about what to do for dinner, the laundry needing doing in the evening or spending the weekend catching up with chores.

It was the easiest two years of my life despite work being particularly stressful at that tie. When it was time for him to return to regular paid work I was secretly hoping he would change his mind and stay home.

It never ceases to amaze me how MN likes to bash SAHMs - I assume its frustration, envy or the internalised misogyny which says “a woman is doing it unpaid, its valueless and takes no time”.

Nowhere does it say significant needs.

I am not bashing a stay at home. She says herself she WAS a SAHM. She no longer is. She said. Clearly. WAS. PAST tense. Her words.

Deep down, all of us owls are secretly judging the larks when they nod off on the sofa in the early evening, or trudge off to bed when we’ve still got several productive hours ahead of us, though, aren’t we? 😉

lol. Very true! When my lark DH “powers down” at 10pm like an old man I might be stifling a little judgement 😂😂😂 I’m just getting going about that time. My most productive time of day!