Mil refuses to use granddaughters name

[Bumblebeehoney]

PIL were okay before we had baby- I noticed small things that MIL did which used to irritate me like when a conversation doesn't interest her (one on one) she literally turn her back to me or went on her phone etc. Or just being stubborn in general. Prior to having baby I was actually the one who would get my partner to call his parents to catch up, because they are 1.5 hrs away and he didn't exactly have a close relationship to them but mine are round the corner and we speak everyday. At family functions they would introduce my job before me like I wasn't even there- which I found embarrassing.
Once they were supposed to come over to do Christmas on Christmas eve and I was going to my sister's on Christmas day and because BIL was ill on Christmas eve they all just turned up on Christmas day without warning ( we had to go into panic mode and cook a lunch )and then acted hurt that I was leaving for my sisters. They have very fixed ideas of what they want and tend to bulldoze it through. When they did a newborn visit and DD was cluster feeding (and I was recovering from a c section) they were offended that I was spending so much time in the bedroom feeding her (his dad would have had an aneurysm if I breastfed Infront of him) even though we had warned them that was literally all she did ( they all got to hold her and take photos etc). They also wanted to stay over which I was def against as I just didn't have the capacity to host.
When we told MIL we were having a girl she replied 'that's okay', later one after DD was born I heard her on the phone to my partner and she said 'you wanted a boy didn't you' (she has 2 sons). She constantly compares against my parents, eg. How many times does her mum see the baby etc (I've very close to my mum and she's been my support system coming over nearly every day) She has now taken to calling her 'Dolly' instead of her real name- they video call every weekend and all I can hear is Dolly for an hour- it's driving me insane. Both myself and partner have explained we want to use her name so DD doesn't get confused but the next second she goes back to Dolly. She even sent her post with DOlly on it and neglects to use her double barrelled surname (as we are not married- she just uses their family name). This weekend came to a head at Ddl first birthday party when I took her aside and explained again, explained the meaning behind the name etc very politely. She had got her a cake with Dolly on it. I wouldn't mind if she used both names but it's her refusal to use her name which irritate a me. When she got home she sent me partner a message saying 'Happy birthday to Dolly' which really annoyed me because we'd just had the chat. My partner just thinks his parents are stuck in their ways and told me not to pay any attention to it but I feel like I am going to pop if I hear Dolly again!!! (Also I should add that I am currently pregnant so those hormones Def don't help!)

How atrociously rude.
Call your MIL by something other than her name and see how she responds.

I know it seems like a big deal (and clearly your mil is unhinged) but we would say silly nanny and her names. Your DD is too small to take much notice, she will be used to you, dad, everyone else calling her by her actual name. As she grows you say nan has silly names - eye roll and 😁.
Your DD will likely say “nan, stop calling me Dolly / why do you call me Dolly” at some point!

Start calling her a name that isn't her own. Every single time. I couldn't do it myself but would love to see how someone like that reacts 🤣

I would say that the time for being polite has passed. If she does it again, say in front of other people "I've asked you to use her real name. I can only imagine you're trying to upset me at this point". It really is her problem if she gets upset at this. Your DH doesn't really seem to have your back on this which is a shame, I would talk to him again.

If you haven’t exploded at her, you’re a saint, OP!

I would have asked her why the cake shows the wrong name. If you think she is genuinely losing mental capacity, that calls for a different response. But if that is not the case, and it doesn’t sound like it is, I would have very pointedly dropped the cake in the bin.

There would be no more face timing until she uses the correct name.

She’s clearly a very strange and troubled person, with a litany of weird behaviours including narcissistic tendencies.

She knows that you don’t want her to call your daughter Dolly. She’s doing it because it bothers you. Nothing you can say will make her stop.

You’re not going to be able to change her, so either break off all contact and let your husband have his relationship with her separately, if he chooses too, or continue to see her but stop allowing her to take up so much of your headspace.

YANBU btw - I know I’ll get flamed for my response, but I’m all for an easy life. Water off a ducks back, don’t sweat the small stuff etc etc

Ignore her.

See as little of her as possible.

She is appalling.

Mad as a box of frogs.

If you have to see her try and make excuses to be in another room with your dd so you don't have to deal with her BS.

Why are (some) MIL like this? Ffs

it all sounds rather childish and pathetic on her part, she isn’t ’stuck In her ways’ she is just rude.

Everytime she uses the wrong name, look blankly at her and say ‘who’ or ignore her.
You’ve tried talking to her but she’s ignored it. You’ve now got to be blunt.
When she says ‘Dolly’ in front of people just reply ‘are you ok MIL, because you keep getting DD name wrong’.
Keep picking her up on it, laugh it off saying ‘you’ve got the name wrong again, perhaps we should all change names, eh insert name you know she will hate
All of this is petty but I think you’ve got to get your point across. Show her up on front of people.
Can you and your DH tell her and your FIL together how annoying it is, how you don’t understand why she can’t just use her proper name. Ask them why she does it.

I would honestly see her as little as possible

Start referring to her by another name in front of your dd and whenever you speak to dd about her. Tell your dd that granny likes using nicknames instead of people's real names, and encourage dd to use the other name as well. MIL will soon get the message.

When my MIL chose to act stupid after I had DD by throwing tantrums, using a completely unrelated nickname for the baby, trying to manipulate situations to exclude me, changing DD into different outfits, trying to feed her formula when EBF and constantly saying to her ‘you are my baby, no one else’s’ I decided two could play that game. I told DH and DFIL if things didn’t change I would strongly suggest encouraging MIL to seek medical attention as her behaviour could be a sign of early cognitive decline and until I was convinced otherwise she would not be alone with DD.
She stopped the stupid shit overnight!

What a dreadful woman! The Dolly stuff is really out of order. She is just baiting you now. It will definitely confuse your DD so I would stop seeing her until she stops this ridiculous behaviour.

Your partner sounds useless where his mum is concerned. He need to tell her to stop it or she won't be allowed around your child.

Say to her and the family that you think she's developing dementia as she can't remember a basic name. Express concern.

This.

People used to do that with my son and call him by stupid nicknames. When he turned 3, he learnt his full name and everytime someone calls him something else he loudly shouts ‘that’s not my name, my name is x x x’. He’s 4 and still does it now!

The stupid nicknames have stopped.

She thinks she can bulldoze you. You've given in to her before, like cooking for her when she turned up when you already had plans.

Don't do that anymore. She turns up uninvited, so sorry Mildred Gertrude, we've made plans. Go on home now. She calls your kid the wrong name, yes, suggest since she's having memory problems, she needs a cognitive eval. If she cries, she's obviously too upset to visit, she needs to go home. She kicks off about who sees her more, look at her incredulously and tell her your kid isn't a time share. Tell her stop calling your daughter a cat/dog/stripper name. (I would have dropped her cake in the trash the minute I saw the wrong name on it and gone, oh MillyJo, you picked up the wrong cake). Put that bitch on her back foot and keep her there.

Stop making your partner call her. He was trying to keep his distance for reasons that should be fucking obvious to you now. He handles his relationships. You handle yours.

Space out those visits. She can't just drop in, you're a busy little family with a lot going on.

‘Doll’ is the new term for men who are pretending to be women, there is some apparently famous bloke called something like Pedro who has a t-shirt with ‘Protect the Dolls’ on it, meaning don’t shut them out of women’s loos and sports.

Maybe this will change her mind, it’s an unfortunate name to give a girl child at the moment ( commiserations and apologies to anyone called Dolly as in Parton).

Just say “Parton” then burst into singing a Dolly Parton song. There’s plenty to choose from so you won’t get bored of it. Now I’m singing Jolene!!
Failing that just see her as little as possible and get your partner to speak with her.

Reading this I really feel that you have the patience of a saint. But it has to now stop. You’re pregnant again and she’s only going to start calling your new child Dolly2.
I really like the idea of pp and implying that she has the start of dementia ‘- MIL I really think you should see your gp, they can do a memory test and catch dementia early these days….’
Make sure your dp is fully on board and also puts his foot down. And no more FaceTime calls until she uses your dds actual name.

You are allowing this woman to bully you so stop that now!

Reduce contact as much as possible.

Tell her if she won't use your DD's correct name, she's not welcome in your home. Your DP needs to say the same.

If she doesn't comply during a video call, warn her you'll end the call if she does it again and then go through with that (DP needs to do that too). Every single time.

That birthday cake should have been refused.

Is she using it as a nickname for Dorothy?

not that it matters you’ve said that’s not her name that should be the end of it

It doesn’t sound like she will be around your DD enough for your DD to get confused about what her name is. I call my DD honey, princess, chicken nugget (the list goes on) but she still knows what her name is! I appreciate that it’s annoying you but it just seems to be a harmless nickname to me.

However, when I was pregnant with DD and we didn’t know the sex, my mother detested the boys name we had chosen. She said that if we used it she would refuse to use the name. I told her in that case, if given names aren’t important, we’ll see to it that our child wouldn’t be calling her grandma and would instead be calling her Michael (not her name 😂). She soon dropped it.

"MIL this is a very difficult message to send but I am deeply worried about you and want you to know I am here for you. I have noticed since DD was born you seem to have some issues with your memory. You repeatedly get DD's name wrong, you get her mixed up with another child called Dolly and you aren't able to retain information when we correct you. We think you need to visit the GP to discuss this issue as it may be a sign of early dementia. I am happy to come with you for this appointment so you won't be alone. Sending love"

Then watch how quickly she suddenly remembers your daughter's name

My ex MIL was the same, my DD had her surname changed to mine but MIL would only call her by her former name. She was also insanely jealous of my mum as we are super close, whereas most of her children were NC as she was an awful mother.
ended up going NC myself when she married a sex offender

Can you return the post to sender marked not know at this address.

Previously, the name Dolly was used as a term of endearment in the same way duckie, love, darling etc are used. Could she be using it in that context? The only person I knew who ever said it was in their 80s. Personally I hate it & can completely empathise with how you feel.

I think I'd either correct her every time she uses it, and/or start calling her something completely different to her actual name.
I do particularly like what @Emerald95 has suggested though. Start with that and see what happens.
Good luck!