Mil refuses to use granddaughters name

[Bumblebeehoney]

PIL were okay before we had baby- I noticed small things that MIL did which used to irritate me like when a conversation doesn't interest her (one on one) she literally turn her back to me or went on her phone etc. Or just being stubborn in general. Prior to having baby I was actually the one who would get my partner to call his parents to catch up, because they are 1.5 hrs away and he didn't exactly have a close relationship to them but mine are round the corner and we speak everyday. At family functions they would introduce my job before me like I wasn't even there- which I found embarrassing.
Once they were supposed to come over to do Christmas on Christmas eve and I was going to my sister's on Christmas day and because BIL was ill on Christmas eve they all just turned up on Christmas day without warning ( we had to go into panic mode and cook a lunch )and then acted hurt that I was leaving for my sisters. They have very fixed ideas of what they want and tend to bulldoze it through. When they did a newborn visit and DD was cluster feeding (and I was recovering from a c section) they were offended that I was spending so much time in the bedroom feeding her (his dad would have had an aneurysm if I breastfed Infront of him) even though we had warned them that was literally all she did ( they all got to hold her and take photos etc). They also wanted to stay over which I was def against as I just didn't have the capacity to host.
When we told MIL we were having a girl she replied 'that's okay', later one after DD was born I heard her on the phone to my partner and she said 'you wanted a boy didn't you' (she has 2 sons). She constantly compares against my parents, eg. How many times does her mum see the baby etc (I've very close to my mum and she's been my support system coming over nearly every day) She has now taken to calling her 'Dolly' instead of her real name- they video call every weekend and all I can hear is Dolly for an hour- it's driving me insane. Both myself and partner have explained we want to use her name so DD doesn't get confused but the next second she goes back to Dolly. She even sent her post with DOlly on it and neglects to use her double barrelled surname (as we are not married- she just uses their family name). This weekend came to a head at Ddl first birthday party when I took her aside and explained again, explained the meaning behind the name etc very politely. She had got her a cake with Dolly on it. I wouldn't mind if she used both names but it's her refusal to use her name which irritate a me. When she got home she sent me partner a message saying 'Happy birthday to Dolly' which really annoyed me because we'd just had the chat. My partner just thinks his parents are stuck in their ways and told me not to pay any attention to it but I feel like I am going to pop if I hear Dolly again!!! (Also I should add that I am currently pregnant so those hormones Def don't help!)

I can see why you are annoyed, but I think you are getting a bit worked up about nothing thinking your DD will get confused. She won't.

Personally I would ignore her. If it's malicious then that is probably the most frustrating response. And if it isn't, why does it matter really?

I would however find out her preferred term of 'nanny, nanna, granny' etc and then purposely use the one she hates most every time! I've never met a grandmother who didn't have quite strong opinions on what they should be called so that will really annoy her. Plus, as you are with your DD a lot more, you will be able to drum that into her. 😏

I'd be more peeved about the surname thing than the Dolly nickname, although don't get me wrong, it's extremely irritating. She really doesn't respect you, does she? Some of the MiLs and mums on this thread are mental and making me feel better about my own children's grandparents, who have certainly had their moments. Sympathy.

I wonder what her nationality is and if she has just translated a word for dolly to English ? Would you take offence to someone calling DD poppet ? Which is quite typical in Uk , Ireland , other English speaking countries? And dolly means the same?

Still though MIL should respect your wishes !

This is perfect ❤. There's a good reason why your partner isn't really close to his parents. I definitely wouldn't be having anymore video calls....and if I did as soon as she used Dolly my connection would automatically disconnect 😅

Ugh, mil sounds truly dreadful. You have all my sympathy.

Your MIL is a CAUC.

This is bizarre. Why would anyone call a child by anything but their name? And why on earth would she bring a birthday cake, let alone a cake with the wrong name deliberately written on it? I don't think I'd be able to resist enquiring as to whether she has any other memory issues and if she'd like an appointment to be made with her GP/memory clinic. Just feign ignorance and faux concern each time she does it and, in a hushed tone, ask her if she's having another moment, and, 'you remember, MIL, this gorgeous little one's name is x'

Post sent to the wrong name would be returned to sender with 'unknown at this address' written on it. I'd reduce the video calls as well and, every time the wrong name was said, pop up with, 'oh dear, nanny's forgotten your name again, can you remind her what it is?"

And don't put yourself down or minimise what you find to be an issue by blaming pregnancy hormones. Your MIL's behaviour is deliberate and disrespectful. One doesn't have to be pregnant to be annoyed by that.

I had an elderly relation who used to call babies and children "dolly". He didn’t mean it as a name - it was just the word he used where others might say "darling" or "sweetie". His parents had been immigrants from Eastern Europe and I always thought it must be a translation of something they used to say. Could it be something similar with your MIL? (Still infuriating, though.)

My grandad called me Myrtle. I have no idea why but he called me that from my earliest memories until the day he died. I can only think he didn't like my actual name!

Is your mother in law called Trigger?

When talking to baby in front of MIL refer to her as aunty or granny number 2.

Id stop the face times tbh and I wouldn't let her be in charge of cakes or anything important she is definitely doing it to get a raise out of you.

I would say to your daughter something like “Silly nanny getting your name wrong.” Then turn to her and say “Old age can do all sorts of things to memory” or something like that

My mother in law was like this. I named my daughter Rose and she always called her “Ruja” - she is polish. It sounded like roger and I hated it. To make it worse when we had the baby baptized all the polish family brought gifts with ruja engraved on it and on the cards. It bothered me so much I tried to find a name that couldn’t be polishized for my son, Xavier. But she calls him Kzaverek. And felix is feloush. It bugs me because she hates if people anglicize her own name.

nobe of it bothers me a fraction as much as the fact both in laws refuse to use my child’s chosen name now they are trans though. They insist on she/her pronouns and calling them “our rosie princess” even though they are on testosterone and have frequently asked for them to stop.

it is rude and ignorant and damaging their relationship forever.

OP I would have tipped the Dolly cake into the bin

Or filmed baby doing a cake smash 😄

Why not call her by her anglicised name then?

My aunt hated her second GD given name. For a longtime she referred to her as “the other one “which was awful.
Grown up now my aunt now uses the name she hated and is a lovely grandma to all her GChildren.

Could I ask if her actual name has any resemblence to Dolly? Ie like if her name was Victoria and they were calling her Vic. Or if her name was Lily-Anne, and they were calling her just lily or Anne?

My parents kept doing something similar so I started hanging up the phone every tien they said it and calling them something annoying back. Very childish but it worked quite quickly after months and months of me politely asking and explaining!

What awful people. You need your husbands support, or at least non objection. But….

Any letters with the name Dolly on must get returned to sender with “Not known at this address”.

Anything else with Dolly on, cakes, clothes, mugs, whatever, must get thrown straight in the bin.

Any further behaviour will just result in restricted access to their grandchild until
they play by your rules.

for example, no more visits to your house, only you visiting them, that way you control arrival and departure times. And for example if they say “Hello Dolly” when you walk through the door, you respond “Nobody called Dolly here” and then turn round, walk out and go home.

I'd be asking her about possible Dementia... She clearly can't remember the name of her GC...

My IL were terribly disappointed by my having a girl. They rarely used the name and used one in their own language which DD didn't respond to. Ironically it was the name that DD then used as a teen 🤦‍♀️. If your MIL doesn't stop, your DD will soon get upset and let her know. If she persists it will just destroy the relationship by itself. Your DP probably needs to say something though...

Letters/cards/cakes with the incorrect name on is not the mil calling her ‘dolly’ as a term of affection, it’s the mil stomping all over OP’s boundaries and the dp being a wet lettuce. He needs to tell his mother to stop and ruddy well mean it. It’s gone too far, fetching a cake with the wrong name on! Bloody rude, given the op and the child’s father chose the name.

A colleague from Liverpool used to call people ‘doll’, but it’s a colloquial thing. She wouldn’t have dreamt of writing it on a cake/card!

Turning up on Christmas Day unexpectedly is outrageous, why didn’t your dp tell them so?

Time for some kindly concerned conversations with her about possible dementia.

Offer to help her to make a doctor's appointment, offer to go with her.

Have those I'm worried about MIL conversations with all the family and friends.

I'm so concerned, MIL's memory seems to be failing. She's having difficulty remembering who people are.

Lovely, supportive and compassionate throughout. 😈

Nobody who calls a child Sweetie or Darling or whatever phones up their parents and says ‘How’s Sweetie today?’ or addresses their post to ‘Sweetie Lastname’ or has ‘Sweetie’ piped on their birthday cake, though, as the MIL has been doing. She’s clearly not using it like a normal term of endearment.

Call her out on it by asking why she had a cake made with the name Dolly on it when DD name is actually xxx & you've asked her numerous times not to call her Dolly. Keep calling her out EVERY time she calls her Dolly saying 'You know that's not her name are you deliberately doing it to annoy me?' Remind her even if there's others there as the more people know you don't like her doing it the more support you'll get & they'll then see MIL for what she is & what she's doing & it will hopefully embarrass MIL.