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Original poster

Mil refuses to use granddaughters name

149 replies

Bumblebeehoney · 29/04/2025 16:31

PIL were okay before we had baby- I noticed small things that MIL did which used to irritate me like when a conversation doesn't interest her (one on one) she literally turn her back to me or went on her phone etc. Or just being stubborn in general. Prior to having baby I was actually the one who would get my partner to call his parents to catch up, because they are 1.5 hrs away and he didn't exactly have a close relationship to them but mine are round the corner and we speak everyday. At family functions they would introduce my job before me like I wasn't even there- which I found embarrassing.
Once they were supposed to come over to do Christmas on Christmas eve and I was going to my sister's on Christmas day and because BIL was ill on Christmas eve they all just turned up on Christmas day without warning ( we had to go into panic mode and cook a lunch )and then acted hurt that I was leaving for my sisters. They have very fixed ideas of what they want and tend to bulldoze it through. When they did a newborn visit and DD was cluster feeding (and I was recovering from a c section) they were offended that I was spending so much time in the bedroom feeding her (his dad would have had an aneurysm if I breastfed Infront of him) even though we had warned them that was literally all she did ( they all got to hold her and take photos etc). They also wanted to stay over which I was def against as I just didn't have the capacity to host.
When we told MIL we were having a girl she replied 'that's okay', later one after DD was born I heard her on the phone to my partner and she said 'you wanted a boy didn't you' (she has 2 sons). She constantly compares against my parents, eg. How many times does her mum see the baby etc (I've very close to my mum and she's been my support system coming over nearly every day) She has now taken to calling her 'Dolly' instead of her real name- they video call every weekend and all I can hear is Dolly for an hour- it's driving me insane. Both myself and partner have explained we want to use her name so DD doesn't get confused but the next second she goes back to Dolly. She even sent her post with DOlly on it and neglects to use her double barrelled surname (as we are not married- she just uses their family name). This weekend came to a head at Ddl first birthday party when I took her aside and explained again, explained the meaning behind the name etc very politely. She had got her a cake with Dolly on it. I wouldn't mind if she used both names but it's her refusal to use her name which irritate a me. When she got home she sent me partner a message saying 'Happy birthday to Dolly' which really annoyed me because we'd just had the chat. My partner just thinks his parents are stuck in their ways and told me not to pay any attention to it but I feel like I am going to pop if I hear Dolly again!!! (Also I should add that I am currently pregnant so those hormones Def don't help!)

OP posts:
redphonecase · 30/04/2025 06:52

Play it straight. Give her back the cake as no one with that name loves there. Reply to messages saying 'who is dolly'

NetZeroZealot · 30/04/2025 06:56

ChickenBananas · 29/04/2025 16:52

Say to her and the family that you think she's developing dementia as she can't remember a basic name. Express concern.

Excellent strategy

AndAllOurYesterdays · 30/04/2025 07:06

She's laid her cards on the table by continuing to use the name. Now it's time to lay down yours. No more inviting them to family dos. Let DH deal with their messages and phone calls. MiL will get upset and make a fuss that you are stopping her seeing her granddaughter and paint you as the bad guy, but you just smile serenely and remind them that they were the ones who disregarded your wishes and it's not your job to maintain contact with them.

AthWat · 30/04/2025 07:11

AffableApple · 30/04/2025 00:49

Look, I'm not taking about any particular parcel, I meant going forward with parcels for her birthdays, xmases, other times parcels are announced before sending to grandchildren.

Some houses you can see what the postman is carrying before he walks up to your house. People live differently to you.

This parcel is in the past. They do things differently there. Let it go.

You're being weird, leave me alone and pick on someone else.

Show quote history

Your inability to respond reasonably to questioning isn't my problem. I'd suggest you "let it go" as it's patently obvious you are talking rubbish.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 30/04/2025 07:11

Ok I’m seeing a few examples where you need stronger boundaries.

They turn up on Christmas Day? “Sorry you didn’t turn up yesterday as agreed, but this wasn’t the plan, we cannot host you”

You feed your baby where you like and your Father in Law can leave if he wants!!

Everything addressed to Dolly gets given back. You totally ignore her if she says Dolly. You restrict visits as much as possible because she doesn’t respect your family at all.

MellowCritic · 30/04/2025 07:41

Happy birthday to Dolly' which really annoyed me because we'd just had the chat. Shes doing it on purpose op, she's letting you know your chat means nothing!

My partner just thinks his parents are stuck in their ways and told me not to pay any attention to it but I feel like I am going to pop if I hear Dolly again!!! Your husband is weak and allows toxic behaviour from his mum towards you that he's too stupid to deal with. And if he thinks she's being a good grandmother , he can think again. No loving grandmother acts like this.

Ophy83 · 30/04/2025 07:42

Is there a name she wants your DD to know her by? E.g. grandma, nana etc. If so agree to use that on the basis that she calls your dd your chosen name. If she persists with Dolly, then she will be "Granny Goggins" or whatever name would most annoy her

JorgyPorgy · 30/04/2025 07:53

Pemba · 30/04/2025 06:45

Could Dolly be a short form of DD's actual name, is it Dorothy/Dorothea or Dottie? Or even Dora?

Or in some cultures Dolly is just an affectionate way of referring to a little girl, I know it's a Jewish thing and a pp mentioned that it's also an Irish thing. What I mean is that it may not be malicious, but more like calling her 'Sweetie'

The other stuff is batshit though.

Good point, English speakers may say poppet which means doll in old English .

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/04/2025 07:58

I love the idea of always calling her a different version of what she wants to be called. So if she likes granny, call her nanny. Or use her name itself. Look DD Julie is here. DD can you see Julie?

TheListThatNeverEnds · 30/04/2025 07:59

She sounds like a total narcissist and I thought you were writing about my Dparent for a minute there 😂from experience of this type, all I can say is you need to find a united way to deal with her as it won't stop at the name. Grey rock, try to ignore/rise above, and try to find ways to save your headspace, as I doubt there is anything you could say to make her see your point of view (impossible for a narcissist). You're much more likely to just have drama and her playing the victim if you try to take a hard line. On the plus side this may lead to them falling out with you completely, which isn't the worst outcome!

curious79 · 30/04/2025 08:05

It’s just sad isn’t it. She thinks she can bully you and your husband into getting what she wants. But you’re going to reach a point where you just lose your rag and refuse to have her over ever. Don’t tolerate having a cake with Dolly on it. Even so, Your daughter may well come to see Dolly as a cute nickname given by granny.

AthWat · 30/04/2025 08:08

Pemba · 30/04/2025 06:45

Could Dolly be a short form of DD's actual name, is it Dorothy/Dorothea or Dottie? Or even Dora?

Or in some cultures Dolly is just an affectionate way of referring to a little girl, I know it's a Jewish thing and a pp mentioned that it's also an Irish thing. What I mean is that it may not be malicious, but more like calling her 'Sweetie'

The other stuff is batshit though.

Doesn't matter a damn , does it. She's been told not to, and she persists. Why do you think she's doing this if it's just affectionate? it's plainly malicious.

Nominative · 30/04/2025 08:13

Send back post addressed to Dolly marked "Not known".

BrendaSmall · 30/04/2025 08:15

Don’t refer to her as Nanny/Granny/Grandma or whatever she goes by, use her Christian name, if she asks why, tell her that there’s no way she’s going to be a Nanny to her the child as she’s being disrespectful

Nominative · 30/04/2025 08:18

Once they were supposed to come over to do Christmas on Christmas eve and I was going to my sister's on Christmas day and because BIL was ill on Christmas eve they all just turned up on Christmas day without warning ( we had to go into panic mode and cook a lunch )and then acted hurt that I was leaving for my sisters.

WTF? Why didn't you just tell them it was bonkers to expect someone to magic up Christmas lunch without warning, you had other plans and they should just go back home. After all, they presumably had the food and weren't solely reliant on BIL to cook it?

Fraaances · 30/04/2025 08:19

Btw, the Dolly cake would have been “accidentally” dropped if it was me. All cards addressed incorrectly should be RTS. (My DD1’s nickname is Dolly, but that came about organically and was given by me. She will be turning 21 this year and I am buying her a Dolly Parton skillet at her request.)

IridescentRainbow · 30/04/2025 08:26

yikesnotagain · 29/04/2025 21:52

Oof this would really annoy me too, especially her making a point of still doing it immediately after you asking her not to. She's pretty rude. Is she a bit... dim?

My MIL did similar - insisted on calling my DC a name which, in fairness, can be a shortened version of her actual name (but not the shortened version that we chose and everyone else uses). Reason being that it was a "family name" (distant relative on her side). It felt like one of many micro aggressions she used to stake a claim - same as how every feature/characteristic of my baby obviously came from her great uncle Bob or whatever. It stung because I'd lost my own Mum and seriously considered naming my daughter after her, but after much agonising decided against it for reasons. But MIL felt she could unilaterally decide that my DC was named after someone neither my husband nor I had ever met (and who is still alive!). Sensitivity not her strong point.

Your in-laws do sound tricky, OP. I think all you can do is try to get your DH to have (another) serious word with her (I like the "should you see your GP??" idea), whilst remembering that you can't control other people, only how you react to their behaviour. That absolutely means you can and should set boundaries, including seeing her less if needed. And take note! I could write a book about how not to behave as a MIL if you don't want to alienate your DIL and I'm trying to remember it all so I can have a better relationship with my kid's partners in the future and not accidentally become a dreaded Difficult MIL myself.

P.s. I absolutely would've dropped that fucking cake.

You talking about your mother in law always talking about your children looking like her side of the family reminds me of my Mum when her mother in law kept talking about how much we all looked like her side of the family. She eventually snapped and said “you are quite right mother in law! They do look like your side of the family! If they looked like mine they’d have been beautiful!”

Needanadultgapyear · 30/04/2025 09:08

My Grandpa called me a different name to my name and to the shortened version I preferred. I was never confused, my parents never had an issue with it and I remember it fondly now as an adult. I always felt it was a special bond with him.
i just could not get worked about that name. The turning up on the wrong day at Christmas would have been a no for me, my own parents turned up a week early for something a few weeks ago and I had long shifts booked so they got nicely told they needed to source food and cook it for when I got home, u would be home late and would leave early the next day!

Couldyounot · 30/04/2025 09:33

ThisWOMANWontWheesht · 29/04/2025 16:34

How atrociously rude.
Call your MIL by something other than her name and see how she responds.

This exactly. Call her something like Euphonia Arsegravy every time she gets your daughter's name wrong.

Totallytoti · 30/04/2025 09:48

Don’t ignore her because that’s what encourages these idiots more. Start playing her at her own game. Call her a weird and awful sounding name for grandma, keep doing it and act confused at her upset. So every time she says Dolly, say oh look Twatface is speaking to you. That’s the only way you teach these people, to do it back to them.

Horses7 · 30/04/2025 18:01

This is awful YANBU.
Your partner needs to step up and sort it fast.

MummyofTw0 · 30/04/2025 18:30

Don't refer to her as Granny or whatever.
Say your daughter is called Dorothy for instance and MIL is called Jean

Say "Dorothy, do you want a cuddle with Jean?"
Or go nuclear "Dorothy, just ignore Jean, she's losing her memory because she's old"

Never make reference to her being a grandparent. It'll drive her mad x

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 30/04/2025 18:46

Your husband needs to establish some boundaries here.
But in the meantime start calling her Granny Fanny and make sure you get a big cake with “ Congratulations Big Fanny” iced on it for her birthday 🎂

TheWernethWife · 30/04/2025 18:50

Call your MIL Fanny and see if she likes that.

JHound · 30/04/2025 18:50

BucketFacer · 29/04/2025 16:36

Start calling her a name that isn't her own. Every single time. I couldn't do it myself but would love to see how someone like that reacts 🤣

I would say that the time for being polite has passed. If she does it again, say in front of other people "I've asked you to use her real name. I can only imagine you're trying to upset me at this point". It really is her problem if she gets upset at this. Your DH doesn't really seem to have your back on this which is a shame, I would talk to him again.

THIS!

Call her a different name. Consistently. Constantly.

I did this once years ago to a woman I worked with who tried to give me a new name. I soon got the msg.

(Also I would stop making an effort with this MIL.)