Mil refuses to use granddaughters name

[Bumblebeehoney]

PIL were okay before we had baby- I noticed small things that MIL did which used to irritate me like when a conversation doesn't interest her (one on one) she literally turn her back to me or went on her phone etc. Or just being stubborn in general. Prior to having baby I was actually the one who would get my partner to call his parents to catch up, because they are 1.5 hrs away and he didn't exactly have a close relationship to them but mine are round the corner and we speak everyday. At family functions they would introduce my job before me like I wasn't even there- which I found embarrassing.
Once they were supposed to come over to do Christmas on Christmas eve and I was going to my sister's on Christmas day and because BIL was ill on Christmas eve they all just turned up on Christmas day without warning ( we had to go into panic mode and cook a lunch )and then acted hurt that I was leaving for my sisters. They have very fixed ideas of what they want and tend to bulldoze it through. When they did a newborn visit and DD was cluster feeding (and I was recovering from a c section) they were offended that I was spending so much time in the bedroom feeding her (his dad would have had an aneurysm if I breastfed Infront of him) even though we had warned them that was literally all she did ( they all got to hold her and take photos etc). They also wanted to stay over which I was def against as I just didn't have the capacity to host.
When we told MIL we were having a girl she replied 'that's okay', later one after DD was born I heard her on the phone to my partner and she said 'you wanted a boy didn't you' (she has 2 sons). She constantly compares against my parents, eg. How many times does her mum see the baby etc (I've very close to my mum and she's been my support system coming over nearly every day) She has now taken to calling her 'Dolly' instead of her real name- they video call every weekend and all I can hear is Dolly for an hour- it's driving me insane. Both myself and partner have explained we want to use her name so DD doesn't get confused but the next second she goes back to Dolly. She even sent her post with DOlly on it and neglects to use her double barrelled surname (as we are not married- she just uses their family name). This weekend came to a head at Ddl first birthday party when I took her aside and explained again, explained the meaning behind the name etc very politely. She had got her a cake with Dolly on it. I wouldn't mind if she used both names but it's her refusal to use her name which irritate a me. When she got home she sent me partner a message saying 'Happy birthday to Dolly' which really annoyed me because we'd just had the chat. My partner just thinks his parents are stuck in their ways and told me not to pay any attention to it but I feel like I am going to pop if I hear Dolly again!!! (Also I should add that I am currently pregnant so those hormones Def don't help!)

I’d say, “MIL, you chose the names for your own children. You don’t get to name my daughter for me, too.” Depending on whether or not she tries to look astonished and as if you have invented all of her nasty behaviour, I might be tempted to add: “Look - you are doing it constantly, as if you’re trying to upset me or teach me a lesson that you’ll do what you like. If this doesn’t stop, the contact will have to. Use her name, please.”

Return any post to “ dolly “ to her address without paying postage , so she has to pay for postage & note there is no dolly at your address

Some houses you can read the name on the parcel before you answer the door?

And by this parcel I mean the one from the mother in law. Even if she tells you she's sent it, you'll likely be expecting other stuff as well. Or has online shopping passed you by to the extent that if you ever get a parcel, you know what it will be when the doorbell rings?

Look, I'm not taking about any particular parcel, I meant going forward with parcels for her birthdays, xmases, other times parcels are announced before sending to grandchildren.

Some houses you can see what the postman is carrying before he walks up to your house. People live differently to you.

This parcel is in the past. They do things differently there. Let it go.

You're being weird, leave me alone and pick on someone else.

This
be forceful once
if it Happens again return all parcels and letters with the wrong name on and be out with your DD whenever she calls, or go out if she turns up. Don’t invite her. And leave.

dont interact with her except to remind her of your DD name.

she will soon get the message.

Take fil to one side, and say (where she can hear)

"Is xxx ok, she seems to be having a problem retaining information,and keeps forgetting xxx name. Have you thought of getting her checked for (early onset or not ) dementia ?"

And every time she calls the wrong name, "oh nanny, have you been checked yet?"

I'd stop her seeing DD until she uses her correct name. If she complains tell her you are protecting your DD from becoming confused.

There is a reason your husband keeps them at arm's length, and it's likely to do with his childhood.

Drop the rope there and stop trying to push him to get in contact.

Instead, be concerned and worried about her mental capacity. Tell him that her being persistently unable to remember her grand child's name is clearly a sign of mental decline. She shouldn't be left alone with her and certainly mustn't have her over - what else might she forget, or do in a momentary lapse?

And don't be nervous about saying the same to her when she starts her shenanigans. This is about control.

Some people are simply toxic. Bad for other people. She's one of those.

With this new baby, you know you don't have to tell people when you're in labour, or immediately when the baby's born. You don't have to accept visitors or even answer the door. Make this one on YOUR terms. Say no.

And tell her 'You will stop calling DD Dolly. First, that is not her name and will confuse her.

Second, persistently calling her by the wrong name offends us, especially when we have repeatedly told you not to.

This ends now.

Do you understand?'

And send back any letters / parcels addressed to Dolly with 'return to sender - not known at this address'.

Take back control.

Start referring to her by her actual name e.g. Partricia, Margaret etc in front of your daughter rather than Grandma or Nanny. For example, ‘look DD, Patricia has bought you a new outfit. How kind of Patricia’. See how she likes that.

My ex MIL would only use the first part of DD1’s name eg if her name was Rosemary she called her Rose. For DD’s christening she bought Winnie the Pooh letters for ROSE which annoyed me. I didn’t say anything but months later when she asked if there was anything DD would like for her 1st birthday exDH said ‘the rest of the letters in her name’. Still makes me laugh now even though she ignored the suggestion and continued to call her ‘baby Rose’. 🙄

this reminds me of when my mil would say ‘you, look so tired, you look awful’ all the time. One day I said ‘ohhhhh, so do you, you look done in and really bad’. She never did it again!!

Ask your “MIL” the next time she calls your daughter “Dolly” if she realises that while she’s trying to disrespect you, she disrespecting your husband AND his tiny daughter. Is that her purpose - to disrespect a baby? What a big, tough woman.
Take a stand. And if she laughs, don’t break - say, I asked you a question. Time for the shoe to be on the other foot - isn’t it. Be brave.
I have a friend named Dolly, OTOH - I’ve known her for 50+ years. I love her. She’s brave and kind and generous and loving and caring. So maybe it isn’t as much as an insult as your MIL intends it to be.
Sending love, @Bumblebeehoney ❤️

I'm always on the fence on these. I get your POV, but my grandfather always called me a name other than my given name, and I loved it. It felt special and I wouldn't have liked to have missed out on that.

Gouging out the icing with 'Dolly' on it and eating it pointedly and messily while keeping your eyes fixed, unsmiling, on MIL's would have been so tempting.

I feel like the name thing isn't that big a deal, it's just really getting to you because MIL's an awful person with a whole swarm of bees in her bonnet. On the name problem alone, I'd let it go. It's not very unusual for family members to have pet names for children. The kids themselves usually correct it after a while - or adopt it as a nickname. Either way, DD isn't going to be confused about what her name is.

Obviously, don't start calling DD Dolly yourself! You could stop using MIL's name at all: address and refer to her only as Granny. This is also commonplace in families that do nicknames.

On the more general front, I agree with PPs that you're being a doormat for no discernible reason. DH was already trying to distance himself. You pushed for a closer relationship, now you're pissed off that it isn't the relationship you think it should be! You aren't going to effect a personality transplant in your mother-in-law, so stop trying to change her. Drop the rope, as others say.

I’d just drop the ball on this and let your DH deal with her. Plonk him down with the baby for the 1 hour weekly call, get him to feed her if she comes over at weird times, get him to pull her up on the whole weird Dolly business. Just go low contact and grey rock her. Your DH needs to put his foot down here.

I think it's time to tell her that rather than Nana or Granny, your DD will call her the Latin word for "old woman". It's good for her brain to learn Latin, and gets her started on a fundamentally important part of every child's education. The word you can use is ............................................
...............................................................................................................................
ANUS!

(pronounced an-us - as in Mancunian -us....or maybe an-oos) (i have an Antipodean accent)

Just start referring to her as Nanny Moustache or Nanny fat arse.

Honestly what is your MIL thinking? I can only assume that perhaps she doesn’t like the name perhaps, but that wasn’t her choice, the baby has her name and everyone in the family needs to accept it and use it.

Thank goodness my wonderful late MIL was nothing but supportive, kind and helpful to us when we had our two DS’.

I wonder if there could be an element of jealousy here, you have a DD, close relationship with your mum etc.

Personally if I was in a situation like this I would just step back on the contact, what else can you do, if you have already expressed your thoughts on the nickname. It must really be upsetting. Hopefully MIL will see sense. But if she doesn’t it’s her loss OP. Many congratulations on your baby girl.

That woman would never, ever darken my door again. I don’t know why you cooked these bastards Christmas lunch. I would have said that their invitation was for the previous day and you were on your way out. They should be more organised next year. (I doubt very much that it was an accident. People like that steamroller through agreements, boundaries and explicit instructions to get whatever the fuck they want.) My mum did similar with DD1’s first Christmas. She totally ignored pre-existing plans and assumed we’d roll over and fall into line with hers. It don’t happen and she went insane. Literally drove her car through our brand new wooden fence and our newly-planted garden and threw her presents for DD at our windows. Scared the shit out of DH’s grandmother and totally spoiled it for us all.

I think you should be more respectful and rename your daughter Dolly. And lose the hyphenated surname. Your MIL is right so stop being so contrary.

Ah. No. Hang on. Your MIL thinks that. Make her a cake with CUNT on it.

If your fil ever had an ex, keep addressing mil by the ex's name. (joking)

Could Dolly be a short form of DD's actual name, is it Dorothy/Dorothea or Dottie? Or even Dora?

Or in some cultures Dolly is just an affectionate way of referring to a little girl, I know it's a Jewish thing and a pp mentioned that it's also an Irish thing. What I mean is that it may not be malicious, but more like calling her 'Sweetie'

The other stuff is batshit though.

I don't think she wants to listen or understand and has decided that she'll call her granddaughter 'Dolly' and thats it. Trying to get her to change may not be worth the energy it'll take as she's already not listened or understood.

If this was me, I would choose to ignore it. Once the reaction to her using Dolly has no effect on you, it's taken the power away. If this makes sense.

Let your daughter decide when she's older if she wants to be called Dolly.

My uncle would call me by a different, really annoying. I used to call him Uncle Not Right.

She's completely mad. As pp have said I would ask, and I think I may genuinely mean this, if she was suffering from some sort of cognitive decline. Why on earth would someone rational and in possession of all their faculties make or buy a cake for a child with the incorrect name on it?