Mil refuses to use granddaughters name

[Bumblebeehoney]

PIL were okay before we had baby- I noticed small things that MIL did which used to irritate me like when a conversation doesn't interest her (one on one) she literally turn her back to me or went on her phone etc. Or just being stubborn in general. Prior to having baby I was actually the one who would get my partner to call his parents to catch up, because they are 1.5 hrs away and he didn't exactly have a close relationship to them but mine are round the corner and we speak everyday. At family functions they would introduce my job before me like I wasn't even there- which I found embarrassing.
Once they were supposed to come over to do Christmas on Christmas eve and I was going to my sister's on Christmas day and because BIL was ill on Christmas eve they all just turned up on Christmas day without warning ( we had to go into panic mode and cook a lunch )and then acted hurt that I was leaving for my sisters. They have very fixed ideas of what they want and tend to bulldoze it through. When they did a newborn visit and DD was cluster feeding (and I was recovering from a c section) they were offended that I was spending so much time in the bedroom feeding her (his dad would have had an aneurysm if I breastfed Infront of him) even though we had warned them that was literally all she did ( they all got to hold her and take photos etc). They also wanted to stay over which I was def against as I just didn't have the capacity to host.
When we told MIL we were having a girl she replied 'that's okay', later one after DD was born I heard her on the phone to my partner and she said 'you wanted a boy didn't you' (she has 2 sons). She constantly compares against my parents, eg. How many times does her mum see the baby etc (I've very close to my mum and she's been my support system coming over nearly every day) She has now taken to calling her 'Dolly' instead of her real name- they video call every weekend and all I can hear is Dolly for an hour- it's driving me insane. Both myself and partner have explained we want to use her name so DD doesn't get confused but the next second she goes back to Dolly. She even sent her post with DOlly on it and neglects to use her double barrelled surname (as we are not married- she just uses their family name). This weekend came to a head at Ddl first birthday party when I took her aside and explained again, explained the meaning behind the name etc very politely. She had got her a cake with Dolly on it. I wouldn't mind if she used both names but it's her refusal to use her name which irritate a me. When she got home she sent me partner a message saying 'Happy birthday to Dolly' which really annoyed me because we'd just had the chat. My partner just thinks his parents are stuck in their ways and told me not to pay any attention to it but I feel like I am going to pop if I hear Dolly again!!! (Also I should add that I am currently pregnant so those hormones Def don't help!)

Um, everyone called Andy's name is Andrew. Fine if they don't want to be called it, but everyone's going to unless they insist otherwise.

That would drive me mad, the passive aggressive cow.

Your DH needs to reply to her “happy birthday Dolly” message with

“Are you serious? Again Mum, her name is not Dolly and we dont want you to use it. Bumblebee explained this earlier, so I’m assuming this message is a silly joke. It’s not negotiable, so lets draw a line under this here and move on. [Babys real name] loves her birthday present and cake, thanks again”

Your DH ignoring her is doing nothing. He’d rather rock the boat at home and upset you it seems than his DM….

I call my daughter dolly as a nick name (not similar to her name at all) but even i think this is outrageous. Its like she's doing it to wind you up, the more you notice it the more she's doing it. I'd be cutting her out unfortunately. And its not your job as your partner says to ignore her. He can sort her out or he can deal with not having them around.

Awful to keep doing this, to the point of buying a cake!!! My first thing would be to get my oh to stop minimising this. He needs to accept it's nasty and controlling. It's beyond rude now.

You are better than me OP. That cake would have accidentally ended-up on the floor if my mil had tried to pull that crap on me

I'd send her a message. She's rude and thinks you'll bow down to her.

Hi MIL, it seems after our chat today where I asked you once again to call DD by her name, you've continued to ignore that and call her Dolly. We've asked you several times now so until you can respect that then I'm afraid you won't be having any further contact with her. It's a simple request and you're being rude to overrule us continuosly.

I’d send a message saying ‘just wondering if you’re ok? You keep forgetting DD name?’
and then every time she calls DD Dolly interject with
’mil- her name is . How best can I remind you so you don’t forget it’

i’d always call her Teddy. When she pulls you up just say, oh I thought that was what we were doing now, making peoples names up

You say you're pregnant with a second.. after the birth, you should send out a notice to say the new one is named Dolly LastName. Say you heard the name so often that it really grew on you so you used it for your 2nd . Then see what she starts calling your first born.

Why? it's obvious she's doing it deliberately. Say "If you continue to deliberately use that name for whatever stupid reasons you believe you have, you can fuck off out of my house and not come back."

Or this. Though personally I'd definitely get "fuck off" in there somewhere.

It's just an affectionate nickname for a loved little girl - Dolly, Topsy, Flossy,I think you are over reacting and I thought your other examples, except the Christmas thing, were something and nothing

What he needs to be told is that if he doesn't deal with it, the OP will, far less gently than she is giving him a chance to do.

She's been told not to. She continues to do so. Why do you think she's doing this? I'm interested to hear your explanation. You think she keeps forgetting?

Hang up the video call because you don’t have a dolly living with you. Return the post. Refer to her as Graham. Tell her to fuck off.

My grandparent had a pet name for me, I have no recollection of it, must have driven my dm (the dil) nuts. It’s so very rude BUT your child will look to you for what’s right and in time will likely correct her Grandma. I agree with previous poster - silly Grandma - try not to accept her invite into this battle, you’ve already won as you’re the mum! Ignore/correct when absolutely necessary.

This ! How rude

If it's a parcel, ignore the door. Hopefully it'll be taken to the sorting office rather than left at the door. You won't have ID in the correct name to collect it, and it'll have to be returned...

This.

absolutely …I’d be raising it as a “ loss of inhibitions “ which is an early sign of cognitive decline…to her face if needed

How on earth would you know it was this parcel before answering the door?

Oof this would really annoy me too, especially her making a point of still doing it immediately after you asking her not to. She's pretty rude. Is she a bit... dim?

My MIL did similar - insisted on calling my DC a name which, in fairness, can be a shortened version of her actual name (but not the shortened version that we chose and everyone else uses). Reason being that it was a "family name" (distant relative on her side). It felt like one of many micro aggressions she used to stake a claim - same as how every feature/characteristic of my baby obviously came from her great uncle Bob or whatever. It stung because I'd lost my own Mum and seriously considered naming my daughter after her, but after much agonising decided against it for reasons. But MIL felt she could unilaterally decide that my DC was named after someone neither my husband nor I had ever met (and who is still alive!). Sensitivity not her strong point.

Your in-laws do sound tricky, OP. I think all you can do is try to get your DH to have (another) serious word with her (I like the "should you see your GP??" idea), whilst remembering that you can't control other people, only how you react to their behaviour. That absolutely means you can and should set boundaries, including seeing her less if needed. And take note! I could write a book about how not to behave as a MIL if you don't want to alienate your DIL and I'm trying to remember it all so I can have a better relationship with my kid's partners in the future and not accidentally become a dreaded Difficult MIL myself.

P.s. I absolutely would've dropped that fucking cake.

Call her grandad or uncle or something haha

Some houses you can see these things. And sometimes people tell you when they've sent a parcel. To Dolly Wrongsurname. (Not sure what you mean by this parcel though.)

She’s clearly being rude but you’re clearly being far too polite with her. I would have said “stop calling her fucking dolly! Her name is X!” And then the next offence would be a ban on contact. Piss taker.

Does she have form for this with others?

I can see you already try to set boundaries. Have you tried the grey rock method too? Asking in the hope she may well get bored or even start (temporarily) behaving if you politely ignore and avoid contact with her wherever possible.