Mil refuses to use granddaughters name

[Bumblebeehoney]

PIL were okay before we had baby- I noticed small things that MIL did which used to irritate me like when a conversation doesn't interest her (one on one) she literally turn her back to me or went on her phone etc. Or just being stubborn in general. Prior to having baby I was actually the one who would get my partner to call his parents to catch up, because they are 1.5 hrs away and he didn't exactly have a close relationship to them but mine are round the corner and we speak everyday. At family functions they would introduce my job before me like I wasn't even there- which I found embarrassing.
Once they were supposed to come over to do Christmas on Christmas eve and I was going to my sister's on Christmas day and because BIL was ill on Christmas eve they all just turned up on Christmas day without warning ( we had to go into panic mode and cook a lunch )and then acted hurt that I was leaving for my sisters. They have very fixed ideas of what they want and tend to bulldoze it through. When they did a newborn visit and DD was cluster feeding (and I was recovering from a c section) they were offended that I was spending so much time in the bedroom feeding her (his dad would have had an aneurysm if I breastfed Infront of him) even though we had warned them that was literally all she did ( they all got to hold her and take photos etc). They also wanted to stay over which I was def against as I just didn't have the capacity to host.
When we told MIL we were having a girl she replied 'that's okay', later one after DD was born I heard her on the phone to my partner and she said 'you wanted a boy didn't you' (she has 2 sons). She constantly compares against my parents, eg. How many times does her mum see the baby etc (I've very close to my mum and she's been my support system coming over nearly every day) She has now taken to calling her 'Dolly' instead of her real name- they video call every weekend and all I can hear is Dolly for an hour- it's driving me insane. Both myself and partner have explained we want to use her name so DD doesn't get confused but the next second she goes back to Dolly. She even sent her post with DOlly on it and neglects to use her double barrelled surname (as we are not married- she just uses their family name). This weekend came to a head at Ddl first birthday party when I took her aside and explained again, explained the meaning behind the name etc very politely. She had got her a cake with Dolly on it. I wouldn't mind if she used both names but it's her refusal to use her name which irritate a me. When she got home she sent me partner a message saying 'Happy birthday to Dolly' which really annoyed me because we'd just had the chat. My partner just thinks his parents are stuck in their ways and told me not to pay any attention to it but I feel like I am going to pop if I hear Dolly again!!! (Also I should add that I am currently pregnant so those hormones Def don't help!)

Your MIL is a fucking rude psychopath.

Has your DP not had very stern words with her?

I voted YABU.

Here's why - when someone disrespects you after being warned not to, you don't continue a long video convo with them during which they continue to do the thing they've been asked not to do. You hang up and you don't answer when they try to call you back.

When someone arrives with a cake with a name on it that isn't the name of your child, you put it in the bin and say, "I wonder who Dolly is..."

You take one look at a parcel that arrives for 'Dolly Lastname' and you write 'Not Known At This Address' on it and return it to the post office.

You tell your H to grow a backbone and take the battle to his parents. He needs to say out loud how proud he is to be the father of his daughter 'Jane Lastname-Lastname' and his wonderful partner, 'June Lastname-Lastname'.

You and your partner are letting these horrible people walk all over you. Stop letting them do that.

Your MiL is really rude. But she clearly isn’t going to change being asked politely.

Personally I would just drop the rope. I wouldn’t cut contact, but I wouldn’t initiate it. Let your DH do any chasing and arranging. If MiL contacts you, forward it to DH. Don’t arrange to see her without DH there. Don’t go out of the way for her at all. DH can host if he invites her over. Consider arranging to be out if you know she’s coming round and do not, ever, change your plans for her. If she mentions your mum seeing the DC more nod and agree and say something like “Yeah. But she’s nicer to us.” and leave it at that.

I get why the name thing is irritating. It’s deeply disrespectful to you. But it’s not going to confuse your DD. You have so much more influence over your DD than your MiL does, MiL is just going to make herself look like a bit of an idiot. So I would ignore it in terms of addressing it any further, other than to remind her from time to time that it is rude and she will alienate her DGD. But mainly - ignore. You really do hold all the power and your MiL is shooting herself in the foot in terms of her relationship with DD as well as you. You don’t need to fire back.

Get her a lifesize Dolly Parton cut out. Whenever she mentions Dolly, bring it to her. On the phone, make sure Dolly is there next to you. If she refers to being able to hear Dolly, point out it's a cardboard cut out and therefore can't be making any noise.

If you can manage to do any of this with a straight face; well done 😂

I'd have scrapped the name off before putting it out.
I wouldn't worry about nannas special name being used to the child I know many children who have a special name from a parent or family member they don't get confused.
I understand it's hard not being as involved with your grandchildren as the other grandparents it's possible that is where her control is coming from..but it's not acceptable. I'd be saying she still loves you nanna don't worry.
Your other half needs to step up.

I voted YANBU because if you'd had my pregnancy hormone demon, your MIL would be wearing the cake. Your a better person than me.

But some great ideas on here on how to respond.

Can I just ask - why on earth did you make Xmas lunch for uninvited guests with no notice? Why didn't you just carry on with your plans and go to your sisters?

Call her Molly

Did you at least scrape the name off the cake ? There’s no way I’d serve that

Start calling her Voltamore, just say its your pet name for her and give FIL a name

Stop pandering to her. Rustling up a whole Christmas lunch at no notice because they just showed up is insane. Just step back. Stop encouraging contact. Let your OH deal with them.

You didn’t display & serve the Dolly cake did you?

I would do this, every single time. I also wouldn't bother seeing her though and just tell the family you are very concerned as she thinks your child is someone else.

Cut it out!! Be rude if necessary. Fall out if you must.

My exMIL always corrected my DD to call me by my first name instead of mum/mummy, ever since she was little. DD ended up calling me by my first name permanently.

God, how I despised that woman 😤

What an utter horror of a woman. That sounds so callous!

Said perfectly.
That should do it!

Mad as a box of frogs - my mil was similar but now dd is 17 she’s chilled a lot. Dd1 hated being called anything but her full name so would correct her every time 😂

@FlourandFlowers they’re all on a first name basis in her family, I tried my best to push back but it stuck (I was very young).

My father is the only one who managed to persevere and DD calls him grandpa, but maybe because she met him later.

Doll is a term of endearment in Ireland.
My family called my youngest Andy, and Andy Pandy (didn’t bother me) his name is Andrew, he corrected them himself when he was older.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Everything @mathanxiety said, warn her, if she calls her Dolly again you will end the call, she will do it, end the call. Actions speak louder than words. You are letting her continue this unacceptable behaviour unchecked.

We had a massive fall out with my FIL due to his behaviour, we warned him, he continued so we cut him off. We did repair the relationship but he changed his behaviour. Had he not we wouldn't be in contact with him.

Oh my god this has just reminded me that my MIL calls me Tospy. My name is Fiona. It’s so bloody patronising! It makes me want to throttle her. Why are they such difficult old bags???

Get your husband to have a word with his dad, express concern at her cognitive decline and suggest a referral for a dementia assessment might be in order.

That’s not being stuck in her ways, that’s being done deliberately to undermine you.

Tell your daughter to call your MiL "Shitbrained Arsewipe", tell her it's the special name for her.

You don't put terms of endearment on post, and use them when referring to someone in the third person, as she does in texts to the husband.