Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

He’s hard working, very funny, loves the kids beyond measure, never lets me down, pulls his weight with childcare/housework, was very attentive and practical when I was unwell, and not only that he looks very nice.

Am I justified in staying with him now?

Christ there’s some sanctimonious a*holes on Mumsnet, OP. To answer your question, yes, my husband is like this and it is draining, and there have been flashpoints in our life together where I have thought about leaving (and threatened to do so). However, he is otherwise lovely and I love fine. I do call him out, tell him to take himself elsewhere, mercilessly take the piss etc and he responds to that, but it does bring me down sometimes. Conversely, I’m obviously perfect 🤣

He was a boarding school child with military parents..

@ThisCatCanHop

despite what he likes to think, he’s neither very logical nor practical and panics

Oh don't 😅

There's a lot of insufferable (sexist) men out there who think they're Mr Logic, compared to his emotional, pink brained wife. They like to think they're they're the stoic man-of-the-house, whereas actually, they flap and panic at small mishaps. The woman is the calm one who focuses on problem solving whilst simultaneously soothing her neurotic, fussy partner.

When she's upset, she's being unreasonable, illogic and emotional.

When he's upset, then obviously he's always justified in his emotions, whereas hers are diminutive, silly or irrelevant.

Tbh can see myself getting in a tizzy over this

DH: can you give me a lift to X I need to be there at 4

Me: (slightly distracted because work), yep no probs (thinking that's ok I have a break in meetings between 3 and 4, I'll be back in time for the 4.00 meeting)

Drop DH off, ready to head home...oh no I need you to wait for me. My job is such that I cannot cancel calls at short notice as I'm often chairing. I'd be really flustered, especially if he was trying to argue me round when I know if I don't head back straight away I'll miss the start of the meeting.

If he'd asked for a lift TO X, rightly or wrongly I'd have assumed that's all he needed, I wouldn't be thinking about how he would get back, particularly on a day when I'm busy working and he's not.

It can be a symptom of neurodivergence, it can also be a symptom of PTSD (stress response goes haywire for small things). But if his family are like that then I would suggest it’s more likely a learned behaviour.

He does let you down by acting like a buffoon. Ranting at you in front of the kids in the car park. Swearing under his breath twice for this once incident.

How does he do this?

pulls his weight with childcare/housework

Your OP: or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same.

How is he very attentive and practical when I was unwell

Your OP: He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

It is your choice to stay with him. I would rather have someone who does not look very nice than a tyrant showing a bad example to my children.

Ok so it could be the same reasoning as me.

I absolutely can't cope with leaving work unexpectedly because of the fear of 'getting into trouble' or not being perfect.

It sounds silly but these things are learned as children.

It’s not great. But maybe the meeting was important. I’d be in deep shit and stressed to the max if I missed a work meeting

Therapist here! I didn’t even need to read your last comment to know that your DH would have had had an upbringing where things were strict, expectations were high and things going wrong meant a malfunction of the status quo. When there is an emergency, something deep is triggered within him from these years of behavioural patterns as a child.
I feel for you having to be “on the other end” of this though. Is it something you can discuss with him in calmer moments and maybe have a plan on how to tackle it the next time it may happen?

Then you’re a much better, more intelligent, stronger person than us nitwits with less-than-perfect husbands

Hun some people on MN are rather...how do I put this nicely...acid? negative?

Ignore them.

You know your DH, as you say he has many lovely qualities, only you know your DH & how your life is. You asked for an opinion & everyone is entitled to give it, you don't need to take notice of everyone.

My darling mother used to say that a long marriage (she was married to my father for 58 years until he died) is all about compromise. She used to say as long as it's good 70% of the time you're doing well. Sometimes it's 70% shit, but if you can work on it, keep talking & laughing together & get it back to 70% good, that's OK. Trust me, there was a time when her life with my father was 70% shit, but they worked it through.

Unfortunately with my XH life was 90% shit at the end, we weren't properly talking & deffo no laughs. But I'm happily re-married & life is 80% good. I think because we're both well over the age of 60 & have learned to pick our battles & that life is too short to get stressed over small things. More than anything we have learned to laugh together.

“Ok most of the time”

what a benchmark

* and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off*

your kids will grow up thinking this is how men behave and it’s ok.

Interesting! His parents are military and fastidious about routine, order etc. and he was made to do things like iron his school uniform in a certain way etc.. you can probably imagine. He then went to boarding school where the routine was also very strict with high standards. I think he bottles emotion a lot and sudden stressful moments are like a trigger where it all comes pouring out.

I can definitely discuss it with him, he’s very reasonable when we’re not in one of those moments.

I do it too, usually when we’re all late out the door. So they’ll have a negative view of women too!

I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

so it’s dropping!

Yeah but on mumsnet he’d be the arse in that situation…

I feel like the driving and GP appt are red herrings... the point is that your husband becomes nasty and aggressive when he is expected to pull his weight... that is the issue. Does he deep down think it's not his 'job' to sort things out?

You would throw a buggy in the car?

youd “rant and rave”

you’d storm off muttering?

Thank you, this is how I feel. I posted in a moment of irritation but this evening things are fine and we work well as a team on a day to day basis. I don’t really believe that there are people out there who NEVER outwardly show even justified annoyance - I just want him to tone it down in specific situations as it’s obviously bothering me.

Yea it’s bloody exhausting and adds another stressful dimension to an already stressful situation. Managing their outburst while keeping control and searching for a solution gets very draining.

Sounds awful op. What a way to live. Any tiny rederailment and you know he’s going to fall apart

Yep, I have been known to do things like that in the past. I remember once losing it over the state of the house, shoving a load of stuff in a bin bag and throwing it down the stairs.

A whole 3%!

You’ve done quite the turn around op

which I suppose keeps this marriage going

all the best