Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

You want other people to say their husband is the same so you can feel better about your situation. Bonkers. Their situation makes no difference to you. Your husband is an embarrassment.

Mioaw!

No but then he has many amazing qualities. I think getting the ick from 1 character flaw would be a recipe for a lonely life

I agree that a buggy board might be useful, but a woman carrying a five year old on her shoulders up a steep hill? While also stooping to push a buggy? It is asking a) for an accident to her DD and b) for an injury to herself.

The DH will be needing to take several of them to the doctors at that rate!

I don’t drive and if my child was poorly and I had to get her to the Dr my husband wouldn’t throw a strop over doing it. He would either say yes he could nip out of work to take us to the appointment or he would tell me he really couldn’t manage it and I’d have to make other arrangements. But if it was for the Dr and I felt she wasn’t well enough for other transport I’d be very surprised if he really couldn’t do it. We live in an area with a good taxi and bus service, but obviously in scenarios such as illness it’s sometimes easier to get a lift.

I remember years ago I’d taken our oldest two to the beach and the eldest, who was 6 or 7, started being sick. We were a fair way from home by bus and I didn’t want to deal with a sicky child on the bus so I called my husband to get out of work and come and pick us up. Which he did without complaint.

Mine does sometimes have a bit of a grumble if he’s off work and I’ve arranged something that I would prefer a lift to. Sometimes he’ll say that he would like a lie in but as I tell him, he has a day off from work, not from family life. Plus there are plenty of times I take our youngest out for the day locally that I don’t expect him to come to, so he gets loads of time to relax in peace!

I'm really not sure whether the problem is that he's useless or that you create drama by making out things are an emergency when they're not.

I'm probably your DH in my marriage. Mine is very calm.

I panic and stress when things crop especially if they affect my work. For me, this is down to childhood trauma and having parents who were incredibly hard on me.

There will be a reason he's like this if he's otherwise a good guy.

He needs to do something to build up his resilliance to stress. Counselling is the obvious one, but i was just like this in my early to mid twenties. I've been doing boxing, yoga and rock climbing weekly for a good two decades now, and take mostly everything in my stride these days. I really am very different for it. He needs something that gives him practice in difficult situations on a regular basis. I get not everyone is physically able, but anything that pushes him out of his comfort zone regularly.

I can see why he was annoyed today to be fair. A lift too and from the doctors is nice if he can manage it but I wouldn’t have expected him to miss a meeting to do it. If it was a short drive could he not have come back to get you when his meeting was over?

If you're happy living with a walking on eggshells feelings keep going. But you're not! Sounds like your minimising it to

Only read op. I would say that if he is working from home you should go about your day as though he’s not there. Get a cab or bus? Not excusing his behaviour but what would you do if he worked far away?

Is it work related?

My DH can be like this over work, combination of the sector (financial services allowing for no work impacts of your actual real life) and his own fears and low self esteem.

Meant when DC1 was three months and I'd recently hospitalised with a serious illness I had to ask my Mum to come and stay with me while he travelled to Europe for a job interview at the weekend. At the time I just accepted it but looking back it blows my mind he felt he couldn't say to them 'I'm sorry my wife is seriously ill I need to postpone this interview'.

He'd to the 'yes I'll drop you off' and then exit his previous work call too late and not rearrange the following too, and then freak out.

he's a good dad but is fearful to saying / admitting to work, ever, that he can't do X, Y, Z because his family need him.

he also has some ND traits, so will zone out to self soothe after too much stimulation (socialising, travelling) leaving me to wrangle the over tired kids into bed etc. I sympathise but also resent having to be the grown up / put my own needs last.

And last my DH still has subconscious expectations that some things are my responsibility. so the last time we went on holiday, for the first time ever he was emptying the fridge etc as I did something for myself. But OMG he had a pop at me for 'making us late' the subtext of which was 'you should have been doing this wife work'.

Name one of his amazing qualities

He has a driving license

Read your OP and updates

surely you can see this isn’t “1” character flaw

you have done a number on yourself in convincing yourself op

He thinks it is your job to sort out the problems that come up by acting in a stupid childish way.

He can't even control his filthy mouth in front of his kids.

You say he is mostly good but this is showing a terrible example of a marriage to your children. They are going to grow up thinking this is normal.

Would you like your DD to have a husband like your DH?

She will say he is better than a lonely life.

I kind of feel like this was your fualt. I would have gotten a taxi and taken the baby into the doctors with me. You weren’t working and he was so your job is to parent. But I’m a SAHM and used to doing everything alone including emergencies.

So annoyed that he is acting like an idiot and swearing under his breath? Is that justified?

I kinda think you should read the thread. OP can’t get a taxi at short notice.

She already explained why she couldn't get a cab. You can just read all OP's posts even if you do not want to read the whole thread.

And yet you sound so bitter and unpleasant!

Are you happy with a husband like this?

I put emergency in speech marks as I know it’s not a ‘real’ emergency but couldn’t think how else to phrase it. I’m not a drama llama.