Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

Good shout.

Great post 👍
My father was like this, he was insufferable as he got older, muttering, shouting, it got to the point where DM wouldn't ask him anything to avoid drama.

I think a lot of people are like this in fairness, my DH doesn't do well under pressure, so I have to go the other way and be very clear and precise as to what I need him to do, If I start to lose my patience or assume he knows what I'm talking about he gets very flustered and can't function properly at all. If you aren't careful you can find yourself escalating each other into a confrontation, over something which is neither persons fault and not helpful in any way to the original problem.

You should have communicated better IMO, saying "can you give us a lift to the doctors later" is just that a lift, a drop off, same as a taxi would have done, easily done during his working day, but expecting him to then take the 2 year old back home again and look after him while he is working, then come back and get you all at whatever time you would be finished was not at all what you asked, and very unreasonable to expect. If he was in the office he wouldn't have been able to just wander off doing all that, or take a 2 year old into work with him for an hour(!) so WFH should not be treated any different.

Instead of both making assumptions you should both communicate your needs better from the off to make sure you're on the same page.. if this happens frequently then it's obvious neither of you can communicate effectively.

Oh wow, some comments are quite harsh.

If I’m honest, my partner is similar and I think it was a hangover from maternity leave. Like I was the “primary / default” parent for both of our children for the first year of their lives as I was at home, so was the one to take them for their vaccines, GP appointments etc. I had to be really clear when going back to work that it couldn’t continue, and that both of our jobs were equally important so when things came up - illnesses etc - that I’d need his support. I actually write up a list of things that are on my mind and send it to him once a week - it’s called “mental load list w/c whatever the date is”. And I ask him to choose stuff and sort it out. I know that’s perhaps babying him a bit but tbh I know it’s not malicious, it’s just a huuuge blindspot that he’s trying to work on.

THIS

Sorry responded in wrong place

The issue I have with this is that HE AGREED. The OP didn't need to book a taxi or strap a 6yr old child in a pushchair and wrangle a toddler because her DH was available to help and had already said he would (despite him working from home) but because HE didn't manage HIS time properly or ask if she needed help with THEIR child (just assuming OP would do all the default parenting, because let's face it given the history she does anyway) he then got shitty because he then realised he was also going to miss another meeting despite volunteering to take HIS SICK CHILD to the doctors with her mum and sibling because of the route, the heat and the poor child's ill health.

I'd expect a bit of support if I was the OP too. She can't work miracles if he's going back on what he agreed because he's got piss poor time management. Why agree to help out and then get fucking pissed at his wife about it due to his own incompetence?

If my DH needed me to come out of work when he was on a non-working day I'd be pissed off too. We've car shared in the past and managed getting about with 2 little ones on the bus or walking when the other had taken the car to work.
I get stressed with having to come out of work, I have a very demanding case load that doesn't get covered when I'm away and trying to catch up or rearrange meetings is challenging. I wouldn't resort to swearing and moaning, I just get in with it. But maybe I would get to that point if my DH wouldn't just manage some things alone when he has the time to do so.

Can’t be nice for children to be around

although I imagine it’s just background noise to them

oh… it’s dad kicking off again

Have you replied to the wrong thread?

I would find this annoying to be honest.

pp was correct that this was not a 2 person job.

he was working and you should have got a taxi.

I think @JifNtGifhas a point.

people are doing things like this because they are “there” that they normally would not leave the office to deal with.

it all adds up, lots of hours of paid time that are not paid.

The OP has already said why they couldn't get a taxi and her DP already agreed to take his DC to the doctors. He got arsey because he had poor time management and it somehow became the OPs fault.

Of course he’s being manipulative. He’s training you to do all the grunt work without involving him.

Does he get flustered with colleagues? I’m betting not.

Mine can be a bit like this. Not to the same extreme but despite what he likes to think, he’s neither very logical nor practical and panics.

When DC1 had chickenpox and I phoned him to let him know what the rash was, he nearly had a nervous breakdown when I spelled out how long he’d be out of childcare for and how much time we’d have to cover (and we were lucky in that situation as we had a family member who was willing to help). In the end, I just told him to go away, get his head round it, and ring me back when he’d worked out what days he was going to cover. He rang back ten minutes later with an apology.

It’s much better now several years and more DC down the line, although situations are exacerbated by not having any family help any more, sadly. But he does still do it….you have my full sympathy!

‘Popped’ a 6 year old on your shoulders whilst walking up a hill pushing a buggy. Sure, how very mumsnet.

I think this is 50/50.The DH does sound really moody, but the OP made a drama out of a fairly run-of-the-mill situation

He sounds like a total wetwipe of a man who has limited resilience, and frankly needs to grow up and sort his life out. Does this sort of behaviour not give you the ick?

Is it possible he has mild autism Op? My husband is really similar and really flaps and gets stressed if things go wrong or plans get changed at last minute. It's a common autism trait. But he's fine being spontaneous on holiday etc. If he feels he still has some control and is enjoying the spontaneity.

However, my husband has other autistic traits which we have recognised over the years. It's very mild though, he was never diagnosed until very recently and he is 49! So guess if your husband doesn't have any other traits it may not be that

I’m glad you said that. All these people talking about abuse, ADHD, manipulation, controlling behaviour. It’s mad. It’s just family life. Sometimes we all get a bit pissy, shouty and sweary when our days don’t go according to plan.

No they haven’t. It’s kind of relevant. If the OP’s husband had been in the office she couldn’t use him for a lift. She would have had to walk.

It’s a valid point. I’m always asking my husband favours when he’s WFH and he says ‘pretend I’m not here’ and I say ‘But you are, now come and hold this tape measure’.

My husband is like this. I know you gave this as an example scenario.
i assume other occasions when things don’t go to plan he gets flustered and angry. My husband does any time a child is ill (vomits or ear infection), he gets stressed angry and nasty because of overwhelm

Goodness..this isn't any kind of emergency just a normal event in a family. The only issue I can see is if the driving clashed with a particular meeting or something otherwise I have absolutely no idea what all this taxi talk is about. Of course he should be easily able to drop you off and even collect you after if he doesnt have time to waiut. Yes this level of huffing and puffing and drama is entirely unnecessary..start writing stuff down for him ? We have a shared whats app group for urgent things. Keeps things clear..did he forget the time of appt ?is he distracted with wfh and kids in house?

Oh gawd…I totally feel for you @Nunaluna. The constant catastrophising is exhausting. My mum was exactly the same growing up - couldn’t handle any small disaster. Mountains out of molehills. The full nine yards. Big shit - fine. Little inconveniences - total meltdown, lashing out at those around her. Managing life so that she remained calm was a bit of a nightmare.

I’m now superb in a crisis (in fact, I work in crisis management 😂). My other half’s not brilliant in those situations but he’s sense enough to (usually) just let me get on with sorting it. The thought of going back to the unbearable panic, dithering and crappy communication of my childhood in those situations makes my blood run cold though! Definitely feel for you and he probably won’t change (my mum is worse, if anything, now). But he sounds like he has many other redeeming qualities so maybe it’s a case of just counting to ten and ignoring him when he gets on your wick!