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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

958 replies

WickedMotherofthebride · 29/04/2025 14:00

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

OP posts:
AmusedGoose · 29/04/2025 14:06

It's one day. Her marriage may not even last. Don't divorce him just find an alternative such as a friend or distant family member. Blended families are tough.

Myneighboursnorlax · 29/04/2025 14:09

Kindly, sobbing and threatening divorce isn’t going to help the situation, so try and calm down and think this through.
What is the relationship like with your SD and DD?
What is the relationship like between you and your SD?
Why is SD so “devastated” by her dad walking someone else down the aisle? Is it related to a dislike for your daughter? Is there something else going on, e.g. she wants to get married but her partner doesn’t, and she’s taking her feelings out on the wrong person?

If the news came via the ex and son, has anyone actually spoken to SD about this?

CagneyNYPD1 · 29/04/2025 14:11

You are right to be upset by your stepdaughter’s ultimatum.

You are absolutely wrong to match her ultimatum with one of your own. The poor man can’t win.

Your poor DH and DD. What a dreadful situation to be put in.

You could give her away.

DecafDodger · 29/04/2025 14:12

Or can't DD and her husband to be just walk together? who needs to be 'given away' anyway nowadays.

StayingAnonForThis · 29/04/2025 14:12

I'm confused. Why can't he give her away?

So his daughter won't let him give away his step daughter? Wow, she's v unreasonable

Pompom2367 · 29/04/2025 14:15

He is trying his best he has raised her for all that time but is in a impossible situation loose his daughter or step down from walking your daughter down the isle

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 29/04/2025 14:15

why can't you walk her down the aisle @WickedMotherofthebride

Many mums do these days.

This doesn't have to be the drama you're making it into.

TeeBee · 29/04/2025 14:16

Can you both walk her down the aisle (with you as the person officially giving her away). And I wouldn't invite the bitter SD, so how will she know what happens?

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 29/04/2025 14:16

Ask your daughter if you can walk her down the aisle.

He's been there, been supportive to you and her by the sounds of it, and he's been issued with an ultimatum by his child, now is your chance to make his life a bit easier rather than force him into a choice between you and your child, or his own child. Nobody will win in that situation.

Enough4me · 29/04/2025 14:17

If he truly was acting as your DD dad he would have refused to be put in that position by his ex & other DD; his other DD would need to get over her jealousy. His other DD could pull this act in the future to control his behaviour with your DD (stopping him seeing GC etc). He's the one who needs to say he has 2 DDs.

LadyHexham · 29/04/2025 14:17

can't DD and her husband to be just walk together? who needs to be 'given away' anyway nowadays

Absolutely.
She's not a possession to be given from one man to another.

IggyAce · 29/04/2025 14:17

Has your DH spoken to his daughter? At face value I would find this manipulative of her.
In the circumstances i honestly wouldn’t cause anymore further drama that’s what step D maybe after, Id walk my own DD down the aisle.
How has your dd taken the news?

MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 14:17

So your SD is upset because her dad is going to walk her step sister down the aisle? I don't really understand this unless there's some massive backstory between your DD and your SD?

I don't have any step siblings, but there are at least two women I can think of who are friends of mine/my siblings' who might have asked my dad to walk them down the aisle. And honestly, I wouldn't have blinked an eye but been pleased that they felt they could ask this of him.

DoYouReally · 29/04/2025 14:19

I know understand why your DH and his daughter aren't talking about this? (Why her mother?).

He is essentially being emotionally blackmailed by his own daughter. I doubt there could be any logical reason for her request.
Their relationship will never be the same now anyway given her behaviour but I understand he's in a horrible position.

What's your daughter's view on this as her view is more important than yours right now?

Edenmum2 · 29/04/2025 14:19

Being given away is a horrible tradition anyway, I walked down the aisle with my husband - maybe you could suggest that to her? It doesn’t have to be the catalyst for divorce

Edenmum2 · 29/04/2025 14:20

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 29/04/2025 14:15

why can't you walk her down the aisle @WickedMotherofthebride

Many mums do these days.

This doesn't have to be the drama you're making it into.

Or this, just say to her you would love to be the one walking her down, it’s more appropriate anyway.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 29/04/2025 14:21

I kind of get where ops step daughter is coming from.

She's had to watch her dad live with another girl of a similar age, while she gets him part time, and when she was there she would have had to share him.

She wants this moment to be something special just between her and her dad, something she hasn't had to share with her step sister.

I don't necessarily agree with it, but I do understand it.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 29/04/2025 14:21

He needs to speak to his dd and find out what the problem is.

how important is it to your dd?

personally my response would be to tell sd that if he can walk who he likes down whatever aisle he wants. He can also choose not to. If she wants him walking her down the aisle he’ll also be walking dd down. Both or none.

sd can’t dictate other people’s relationships.

Blankscreen · 29/04/2025 14:22

My initial thoughts were what a cow sdd is but I suspect your sdd feels as though she lost her dd to your dd and has feelings of resentment.

I know my DH has often felt left out when his Df moved in with a woman and her 2 children and became a family unit. Dh was always an outsider.

You poor DH though.

Why don't you compromise.

You walk her down the aisle. Dh meets you at the end and you both walk her to the final point.

SamDeanCas · 29/04/2025 14:26

Your SD is being unreasonably, but you expecting your DH to give up his relationship with his own DD to do this is unreasonable on your behalf. TBH in your shoes, I’d walk my DD down the aisle to keep the peace. It’s not your DH’s fault his DD is being a bitch but sometimes you have to be the bigger person. I’m sure your DD wouldn’t want your DH to do this and forfeit his relationship with his own DD

TheDefiant · 29/04/2025 14:26

I’m not impressed with the step daughter and her ultimatum but I’m even less impressed with your suggestion that you’ll divorce your husband over this!

That’s awful.

The idea of you accompanying your daughter down the aisle is beautiful (well done to that PP).

don’t give her away though - yuck. She’s not an object or a possession to transfer from one family to another.

Sauvin · 29/04/2025 14:26

Do a Meghan Markle and have her met halfway down the aisle?

Enough4me · 29/04/2025 14:29

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 29/04/2025 14:21

I kind of get where ops step daughter is coming from.

She's had to watch her dad live with another girl of a similar age, while she gets him part time, and when she was there she would have had to share him.

She wants this moment to be something special just between her and her dad, something she hasn't had to share with her step sister.

I don't necessarily agree with it, but I do understand it.

He didn't just live with her, he was her stepdad. She didn't see birth family because she had her stepdad.
I'd be livid if my partner, who is stepdad to my DCs, just dropped them even though they also have a dad. I'm part of a longterm package.

Iloveagoodnap · 29/04/2025 14:29

Don’t make this an issue that splits your family up. Your stepdaughter is jealous. She doesn’t want your daughter to get her dad to walk her down the aisle first. She is being unreasonable but at the same time I would try to respect her feelings and come up
with a solution. As others have suggested you being the one to walk your daughter down the aisle could
be the solution.

JengaTower124 · 29/04/2025 14:31

What happened to you take on the kids when you marry and treat them as your own! Op and her child are a package!! OP DH has raised this child and his daughter is ridiculous.

I don't blame OP for issuing an ultimatum. Id do the same in her position. You don't get to push one child to the side for another. The step daughter needs to grow up.