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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

958 replies

WickedMotherofthebride · 29/04/2025 14:00

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

OP posts:
Blueskiesandrainbows · 29/04/2025 15:20

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 29/04/2025 14:15

why can't you walk her down the aisle @WickedMotherofthebride

Many mums do these days.

This doesn't have to be the drama you're making it into.

Exactly, you’re making a ridiculous drama out a molehill. You don’t get everything you want in this life and sometimes there has to be compromise.
As others have said either walk her down the aisle yourself, or let the bride and groom walk down together, no need for unpleasant arguments or divorce.
i feel sorry for your husband.

Anxioustealady · 29/04/2025 15:20

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:15

I don’t have step siblings either, but I’ve seen this. For all that ‘accept them as your own’ is touted as the ideal, there can be negative consequences of that for the stepparent’s actually children, who suddenly are expected to accept that the child/ren of their father’s new partner/wife has/have become equal to them in his eyes. They’re not longer special to him by virtue of being his, any random child (that they may not like at all) can mean just as much to him depending on whether he’s in a relationship with their mother.

Show quote history

It's very upsetting. I don't even like to use the terms stepmom/stepdad/stepsiblings (I use them for ease of communicating only) because I think it diminishes my actual parents and siblings, I think its offensive someone can get married and suddenly they're just the same as my actual family. Not for me.

No one thinks about any of this "treating them the same" from the children's perspective, just what's convenient for the adults.

Finallydoingit24 · 29/04/2025 15:20

You get people acting like the DD even where the other child in question IS the biological child of the parent. Some people get butt hurt if one of their parents has another child and take it out on that child. Life isn’t always a bed of roses but believe me if having a step sibling or half sibling is the worst of your problems, you have it easy. Some people are just very very selfish and can’t handle it when it’s not all about them. I see it all the time with adults acting like toddlers.

I bet this actually stems from the DD being jealous that the DSD is getting married.

LoneAloneHere · 29/04/2025 15:20

CagneyNYPD1 · 29/04/2025 14:11

You are right to be upset by your stepdaughter’s ultimatum.

You are absolutely wrong to match her ultimatum with one of your own. The poor man can’t win.

Your poor DH and DD. What a dreadful situation to be put in.

You could give her away.

This is the very best option, I will read on to hope you do this.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/04/2025 15:21

Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

OP's husband needs to talk to his actual daughter and get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does. Point out that he is the only father figure the OP's daughter has ever had, so who else would she ask to walk her down the aisle?

See if the whole thing can be smoothed over.

If SD is adamant that this will wreck her relationship with her father, maybe the OP would be the best person to walk her daughter down the aisle anyway.

There's no rule that says a bride has to be walked down the aisle or given away by a man.

But @WickedMotherofthebride threatening to divorce your husband over this is an insane overreaction.

ThejoyofNC · 29/04/2025 15:21

Why are you making it all about you?

Namerequired · 29/04/2025 15:23

If he lets this ultimatum go it will only be the start of it. What would he do if they were both his bio daughters and one did this? Either she’s his daughter or she’s not. Even if your daughter accepts this she will never see him the same way again. Hopefully your sdd would wake up to herself and realise she was being unreasonable.

commonsense61 · 29/04/2025 15:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 29/04/2025 15:25

I'd have told them ALL to get fucked to be honest. They are putting him in an impossible situation where he can't win whatever he chooses. We haven't heard what OPs DD thinks about it, but if she is also issuing ultimatums, he has to pick between two daughters and a wife who will divorce him if he doesn't side with her. I'd run screaming for the hills and live in peace on my own. I wouldn't want to be around people who would blackmail me into decisions. How hurtful.

BreadInCaptivity · 29/04/2025 15:26

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:07

So he should not only be willing to lose his daughter, but actively wash his hands of her?

Hardly realistic.

She’s made aware of how she feels and what her firm point of no return for their relationship is, and now the ball is in his court. She’s not making him do anything.

Edited
Show quote history

The whole point of her ultimatum is that she is making him do something - or rather not do something.

As a parent I see this as an important teachable moment - even for adult children - and I would not be setting a precedent that threats like this (especially delivered to through third parties) yield results without consequences.

They need to talk face to face. She needs to be clear about why this is so important to her.

It may be if that’s fully understood by all, then everyone would be happy to find some sort of compromise.

She in turn needs to consider the ramifications of this demand. Yes, she may “win” but when her time comes, she might want to consider how many people are not thinking about how wonderful she looks, but what that 2 minute walk cost.

I think she’s being unreasonable (as is the OP) but I’m also aware there may be dynamics at play here we are not aware of.

The bigger picture here is does everyone want this wedding to be a happy occasion or the reason for further family fractures?

If I was the OP’s DD I’d walk myself down the aisle before I let my step siblings demand overshadow the day.

lunar1 · 29/04/2025 15:26

What role is your husband’s daughter meant to be playing in the wedding?

Scentbird · 29/04/2025 15:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

A lot of people.

Especially when those people’s childhood and relationships with the parent in questions have been damaged to re enforce the ‘he thinks of her/ Loves her just as much as he does his own kids’.

Doesn’t take much to understand that kids can be damaged when their father lives with a child that isn’t his, but pretends is his. Doesn’t take much to understand how that can cause lifetime issues.

I have no idea who is right and who is wrong. Likely a mix of all them at fault. But given Op has jumped straight to ‘I will divorce him’ it suggests this isn’t a happy blended family where everyone gets on.

Truth most people do not see their step kids as exactly the same as their own kids. Especially where they live with some and not others. You can love them all, but for most people it is different. And I imagine very painful to see your dad living with another child that people keep telling you that he loves just as much as he loves you. I imagine that carries well on on to adulthood

VivienneDelacroix · 29/04/2025 15:28

Could you give your daughter away? It's as much a break from tradition as her step-dad doing it. Both are a modern adaptation of a tradition.

Anxioustealady · 29/04/2025 15:29

BreadInCaptivity · 29/04/2025 15:26

The whole point of her ultimatum is that she is making him do something - or rather not do something.

As a parent I see this as an important teachable moment - even for adult children - and I would not be setting a precedent that threats like this (especially delivered to through third parties) yield results without consequences.

They need to talk face to face. She needs to be clear about why this is so important to her.

It may be if that’s fully understood by all, then everyone would be happy to find some sort of compromise.

She in turn needs to consider the ramifications of this demand. Yes, she may “win” but when her time comes, she might want to consider how many people are not thinking about how wonderful she looks, but what that 2 minute walk cost.

I think she’s being unreasonable (as is the OP) but I’m also aware there may be dynamics at play here we are not aware of.

The bigger picture here is does everyone want this wedding to be a happy occasion or the reason for further family fractures?

If I was the OP’s DD I’d walk myself down the aisle before I let my step siblings demand overshadow the day.

Show quote history

I don’t think the daughter has actually said anything to him? Her mother has said she'll be so upset if he walks his step daughter down the aisle that she won't want to speak to him anymore

That to me sounds like a person who's had years of upset and not being put first, not someone who makes threats and always gets her own way.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 29/04/2025 15:29

He needs to talk to his daughter and ask her why she’s so upset about it. His stepdaughter doesn’t have a dad to walk her down the aisle so he’s the next best thing.
He needs to make it clear that doing this doesn’t change anything about his relationship with her (his own daughter) and of course he will be proud to walk her down the aisle if and when that day comes.

Basically, talking to his daughter and making her see sense about this is the key. It’s tricky because he’s trying to make sure he doesn’t destroy their relationship but I’m sure also doesn’t want to let you and your daughter down. However as things stand it’s impossible to do both. Yabu to throw away a (presumably) happy marriage over this, though.

ThatGladTiger · 29/04/2025 15:29

I don’t understand some of these comments.

Your partners daughter seems very immature. What if she had a “full” sister. I reckon the same tantrum would happen.

Your partner is likely to damage his relationship with your daughter forever if he pulls out of this. She sees him as her dad the poor girl.

His bio daughter sounds very spoilt. Why couldn’t she tell him herself.

I would struggle to get over how quickly he dropped your daughter, especially after being the father figure in her life for so long. Backing out like this must be devastating…… had he got a father of the bride speech written? What happens to that?

No solution, but I sympathise, what an awful situation 😓

Strictlymad · 29/04/2025 15:30

CagneyNYPD1 · 29/04/2025 14:11

You are right to be upset by your stepdaughter’s ultimatum.

You are absolutely wrong to match her ultimatum with one of your own. The poor man can’t win.

Your poor DH and DD. What a dreadful situation to be put in.

You could give her away.

This

GreenShadow · 29/04/2025 15:30

I'm with others who say, you as her mother, could walk WITH her down the aisle. No need to do any giving away as such.
But this whole situation is so sad and I hope you find a reasonable solution.

Dampfnudeln · 29/04/2025 15:33

How awful for your DD. The only man she’s ever known as a father is refusing to walk her down the aisle. I’d be heartbroken for her too and not sure I could forgive DH after he’s been allowed the honor of bringing her up as his own. I do wonder what the backstory is here that makes the DD feel the need to issue such an ultimatum.
To all those saying “it’s not important / relevant” nowadays for a Dad to walk his daughter down the aisle, it’s clearly important to OP’s DD. I’m guessing if in future he refused to walk his other DD down the aisle for those reasons (to be consistent), she wouldn’t be happy with that either.

Strictlymad · 29/04/2025 15:34

Your step daughter is being awful and your poor poor husband. But don’t stoop to her level and say you will divorce him, that doesn’t help him at all. Work with him to find a solution

Maray1967 · 29/04/2025 15:34

Anxioustealady · 29/04/2025 14:41

You don't have step siblings so you don't know what it's like to watch your dad raise some other girl full time when you only see him at weekends. She probably found it extremely upsetting growing up and wants him to confirm for once that she's his daughter and she matters more than his stepdaughter.

Show quote history

Yes, it’s not a mature approach but it’s understandable in the circumstances. Whatever happened years ago, OP’s DH effectively was dad to his stepdaughter more than he was to his own DD and she is very bitter about this.

You're going to have to sit down together , OP - you, DH & DD and find a solution. If I was your DD I’d not want my parents’ marriage to end over this. I’d walk myself up the aisle as in the Sound of music…

pecanpie101 · 29/04/2025 15:36

You should walk her down the isle.
Sounds like a horrible situation for everyone with your husband in the middle.

TheCurious0range · 29/04/2025 15:37

Good god what an awful position to put him in, my dad is walking my SIL to be down the aisle, her own father is a waste of space. I'm really pleased for them and will be there, probably a little teary eyed, my dad is a lovely man, SIL to be has been with my brother for fifteen years, I'm so pleased he can do this for her.

BreadInCaptivity · 29/04/2025 15:37

Anxioustealady · 29/04/2025 15:29

I don’t think the daughter has actually said anything to him? Her mother has said she'll be so upset if he walks his step daughter down the aisle that she won't want to speak to him anymore

That to me sounds like a person who's had years of upset and not being put first, not someone who makes threats and always gets her own way.

Show quote history

But that’s exactly my point.

She needs to speak to her father and he needs to listen to her perspective and vice versa.

Throwing demands around via flying monkeys shouldn’t become a normalised way of getting what you want.

Id be more upset about how she’s handled this rather than the demand if I’m honest (same for the OP).

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 29/04/2025 15:38

He isn't your childs father.
Never has been, never will be.
He has a daughter of his own and she isn't the one you care about as you've made very clear.

Guess your normal tactics of crying and screaming to get your own way are familiar to his real daughter who probably had to grow up enduring it and now resents how much you insisted her real father was taken away to play pretend happy families with this other girl.

You are asking him to throw his own daughter away for your ego and the result of your poor decisions for what?
You wouldn't get between him and his own daughter if you loved him so it can't be that.

You are the evil stepmother in this instance.

Do you even care how much damage you caused his real daughter by thinking you could grab a replacement dad for your child?
It's obviously a lot or she wouldn't feel like this.