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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

958 replies

WickedMotherofthebride · 29/04/2025 14:00

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

OP posts:
BejewelledCat · 29/04/2025 15:39

I walked both of my daughters down the aisle because their dad couldn't do it. Just step in, do it yourself, support your daughter and have a fabulous time. No need for sobbing and ultimatums and threats of divorce.

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 15:39

Your dd should have asked his dd how she felt about it before she asked him to walk her down the aisle.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

So he does that and finds out that yes, she was indeed serious, and he loses his child/ren as a result.

Then his stepdaughter becomes in his eyes the reason why he’s lost his own children.

Finallydoingit24 · 29/04/2025 15:41

It’s not understandable at all. Most people wouldn’t dream of acting like this woman is. As the OP and her DH have been married 22 years, the DD is presumably at least mid 20s and probably older. It’s ridiculous. It sounds like she’s planning on attending the wedding too but she wants to mess it up.

UndermyShoeJoe · 29/04/2025 15:42

Sounds like there’s going to be some huge backstory here where the step daughter resents her father possibly being more of a father to your daughter than to her and she’s using the wedding as a if he acts like her dad then, then his no longer my dad.

poetryandwine · 29/04/2025 15:43

I agree there is a back story but I am not sure we know what it is. The divorce and remarriage, with DH becoming a beloved father figure to a new girl (and actually living with her, to the detriment of DSD) inevitably seen as a rival, is surely part of it.

But absent quite a back story I think the PPs who said this wouldn’t be an issue if the SD had married first may be on to something. If the SD would like to be engaged but isn’t, this wedding could be very painful for her. And if her dad had walked her down the aisle already she might be feeling more generous.

I worry that if this blackmail works it will just be the beginning, but I feel sorry for DH.

Finallydoingit24 · 29/04/2025 15:44

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:40

So he does that and finds out that yes, she was indeed serious, and he loses his child/ren as a result.

Then his stepdaughter becomes in his eyes the reason why he’s lost his own children.

Show quote history

It’s hardly a strong relationship if she is prepared to cut him off for walking his DSD down the aisle. He will probably commit some other wrong at some point leading to her cutting him off then. I would never do this to either of my parents so the fact that she’s threatening it shows that she doesn’t care and will likely cut him off soon anyway.

zeibesaffron · 29/04/2025 15:45

Your poor DH he must feel awful, and you decide to make him feel much worse by giving him an ultimatum- whereby he now absolutely has to choose between you and his DD.

He has not caused this - his DD has. I agree though that it’s an unfair and hugely challenging situation for you and him.

Why can’t you walk her down the aisle?

Daleksatemyshed · 29/04/2025 15:45

You need to calm down Op, no matter how great a DF your DH has been to your DD he's shocked and panicking, so you joining in won't help anyone. He needs to talk to his DD, as an adult it's a bit sad she didn't tell him herself, an adult shouldn't be getting her DM to fight her battles, but he needs to hear her side.

nomas · 29/04/2025 15:46

Yet another thread that proves MN hypocrisy. Step-mums are always told that once they take on a step-child they have to treat them like their own, but here a step-dad is being excused of treatIng his step-dd as his own.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:46

BreadInCaptivity · 29/04/2025 15:26

The whole point of her ultimatum is that she is making him do something - or rather not do something.

As a parent I see this as an important teachable moment - even for adult children - and I would not be setting a precedent that threats like this (especially delivered to through third parties) yield results without consequences.

They need to talk face to face. She needs to be clear about why this is so important to her.

It may be if that’s fully understood by all, then everyone would be happy to find some sort of compromise.

She in turn needs to consider the ramifications of this demand. Yes, she may “win” but when her time comes, she might want to consider how many people are not thinking about how wonderful she looks, but what that 2 minute walk cost.

I think she’s being unreasonable (as is the OP) but I’m also aware there may be dynamics at play here we are not aware of.

The bigger picture here is does everyone want this wedding to be a happy occasion or the reason for further family fractures?

If I was the OP’s DD I’d walk myself down the aisle before I let my step siblings demand overshadow the day.

Show quote history

Well yes, he has to make a choice. Sometimes people do have to make a choice between two things, rather than being able to have both. That’s life. She’s made him aware of what will happen if he chooses to walk OP’s DD down the aisle, and now it’s up to him.

The person you’re trying to teach is in no way guaranteed to take the lesson you intend. He can refuse her, but is he prepared to live with the consequences of doing so? Given his reaction, I suspect he knows she’s serious. I also suspect that she has considered the ramifications of this.

Feelingmuchbetter · 29/04/2025 15:49

Is the SD invited to the wedding? And if not, why not?

There is much more to this…

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:49

Finallydoingit24 · 29/04/2025 15:44

It’s hardly a strong relationship if she is prepared to cut him off for walking his DSD down the aisle. He will probably commit some other wrong at some point leading to her cutting him off then. I would never do this to either of my parents so the fact that she’s threatening it shows that she doesn’t care and will likely cut him off soon anyway.

Show quote history

I don’t think it shows that she doesn’t care at all. I think she fact that this is such a big thing for her shows that she cares very much. I don’t think it’s a ‘threat’ either.

That it may not be a strong relationship doesn’t mean he’s going to be prepared to lose it. She’s his child, and he loves her.

Elseaknows · 29/04/2025 15:51

You're going to throw your marriage away over this?

I get emotions are running high but be rational. Ask your DH to go and talk to his DD and see where this is coming from.

EilishMcCandlish · 29/04/2025 15:51

Has he spoken directly with his daughter? I cannot see that in the OP. Has he tried to reach a place of understanding where she is coming from and why? We can all speculate but only she knows the real reason.

'giving away' one daughter doesn't prevent someone doing it for another. It is also not something to end a marriage over. All these ultimatums and threats all over the place are emotionally immature and manipulative. On the face of it, both OP and SD are unreasonable.

Ponderingwindow · 29/04/2025 15:52

Your reaction to this situation is unfair. Whatever is going on with your husband’s daughter is complicated and you need to respect he is in a horrible situation. There are probably years of hurt feelings behind this ultimatum.

walking down the aisle is an antiquated tradition that can easily be adjusted. You could walk with your daughter. She could walk alone.

She and her fiancé could do what my husband and I chose and walk down the aisle together as equal partners.

Biker47 · 29/04/2025 15:53

If I was in this situation as your husband, I would walk your daughter down the aisle, and my biological daughter could go and do whatever manipulative and childish things she wants to do elsewhere, what a spoiled little child.

That being said I don't think you issuing an ultimatum is the right thing to do, just yet, he's being manipulated by his ex and daughter, he doesn't really need you piling on as well.

CloudywMeatballs · 29/04/2025 15:53

Was the plan for him to walk her down the aisle, or to give her away? Two completely different things.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:53

Biker47 · 29/04/2025 15:53

If I was in this situation as your husband, I would walk your daughter down the aisle, and my biological daughter could go and do whatever manipulative and childish things she wants to do elsewhere, what a spoiled little child.

That being said I don't think you issuing an ultimatum is the right thing to do, just yet, he's being manipulated by his ex and daughter, he doesn't really need you piling on as well.

You would seriously be prepared to lose your relationship with your own child/ren?

MrsPeterHarris · 29/04/2025 15:54

Blankscreen · 29/04/2025 14:22

My initial thoughts were what a cow sdd is but I suspect your sdd feels as though she lost her dd to your dd and has feelings of resentment.

I know my DH has often felt left out when his Df moved in with a woman and her 2 children and became a family unit. Dh was always an outsider.

You poor DH though.

Why don't you compromise.

You walk her down the aisle. Dh meets you at the end and you both walk her to the final point.

This sums out how I feel also.

Wolfpa · 29/04/2025 15:56

So to solve an ultimatum from his daughter his wife has now given an opposing one?

emotions are high at the moment can your husband meet with his daughter for a meal to discuss things, get to know her feelings and insecurities?

if he talks to her he may be able to understand what is happening

jolota · 29/04/2025 15:58

Gosh I think this is an absolutely horrible ultimatum for his daughter to have given him.
What an awful position he's been put in and how devastating for your daughter who obviously sees him as her father.
I would have been crushed to be in this situation (though my sister is a half sister not step sister so I grew up with her so it wouldn't have happened anyway because both my mum and step dad wouldn't have entertained it) - my step dad walking me down the aisle was so special.

You talk about how you feel about this but really its not about you... how will your daughter feel if he chooses not to walk her down the aisle, is there anything that can be done by him to explain this situation to her that will mitigate the hurt? Was he planning to do the father of the bride speech?
Do you think she will forgive him or understand that he was put in an 'impossible' position?
I imagine he feels his has an obligation to his 'first' children but I think its terribly cruel of them to force him into this situation.

Biker47 · 29/04/2025 15:58

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 15:53

You would seriously be prepared to lose your relationship with your own child/ren?

Show quote history

Yes, like I said, it's manipulative, and childish and I can't abide that, he's known this girl and for all intents and purposes sounds like he's been her dad for at least 22 years, and the other daughter wants to have a childish strop because he's going to do something as innocuous as walk his step-daughter down the aisle at her wedding.

What's the daughter going to do next, disown him if he's seated at the top table, has a dance with his step daughter?

SparklyGlitterballs · 29/04/2025 15:59

Although in today's world women shouldn't be "given away" - they're not possessions after all - if your DD really wants to be walked down the aisle why don't you do it OP? You're her blood relation. Your DH could do the speech afterwards to be involved. Does your DD have much of a relationship with her step sister?

CalliopePlantain · 29/04/2025 15:59

So your dd is 30 - is his older or younger? Do you have children together that he will or won’t be allowed to walk down the aisle if his dd isn’t already married yet?

his dd sounds like a 3 year old stamping her foot. He IS your dd’s dad too and has been for at least 22years (I’m presuming you didn’t get married immediately after meeting) of course he should walk her down the aisle.

also - wedding in 18 weeks, how long has it been planned?

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