Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

Whilst this is a sad turn of events you are getting massively dramatic

poor man will lose a daughter/ family either way if you get your way

simple solution:

your husband walks her down the aisle and I assume he daughter is not in attendance so won’t know about it

you walk her down the aisle

she walks herself down the aisle

no need for drama , what us the back story why so much hate from daughter ?

My father was at my wedding but he didn't "give me away". What an archaic incestous thing to do! We're in 2025 and not in the US: your daughter doesn't need anyone to "give her away"- it's ridiculous.

As for stepdaughter she's using this so her dad can prove that he loves her more than your daughter @WickedMotherofthebride. I do think the mother is involved as well.

Please be the bigger person in this and don't play their games. Tell your DH he doesn't have to make a choice; your daughter doesn't want anyone to give her away (talk to your daughter first). Then tell DH to tell his daughter AND the mum that he doesn't have to choose because there is no giving away. That way they haven't "won" their ridiculous game of "show who you love most".

What has your DD said about his decision? Presumably she has been told? She might understand her step-sister's feelings and offer a solution.

DD of the OPs husband is the problem; DH should not be enabling his DD to blackmail him.

Why on earth can DH not walk both daughters down the aisle if/when their respective times come?

People should wash their hands of people who give them ultimatums.

That would go for OP too then?

There is obviously a huge backstory here about your husband’s relationship with his daughter and step daughter and their relationship with each other. Has he been a good dad to his own daughter? Or has he prioritised you and your daughter over her, leaving her feeling pushed out? Something has caused his daughter to feel jealous and not want her dad to do this for your daughter and my guess is there is years worth of issues here.

Have some sympathy with your husband for the awful situation he has been put in and stop threatening divorce for a start.

If his daughter won’t budge, he either needs to call her bluff, or maybe your daughter could take the pressure off and agree to him not doing it. It’s old fashioned anyway and won’t take anything away from her relationship with your husband if he doesn’t do it.

There's a lot more to it than you’re saying and I’m going to bet you won’t be honest here about it, but your response so far is probably quite telling.

I assume both daughters are in their twenties/late twenties.

Clearly he needs to have a conversation with his daughter. Her using her mother /his ex-wife from 30 (??) years ago to issue an ultimatum is manipulative and unhealthy. I'd start with that conversation and then have a conversation with your daughter and see where the land lies.

The fact is that his daughter is likely to go no contact anyway, by the sounds of it. So that might be something to bear in mind. But the thoughts of the two grown women who matter here (his daughters) seem to be being facilitated by their mothers, which is not a mature way of handling things.

So he should not only be willing to lose his daughter, but actively wash his hands of her?

Hardly realistic.

She’s made aware of how she feels and what her firm point of no return for their relationship is, and now the ball is in his court. She’s not making him do anything.

Regardless of the reason behind this it’s obviously an emotional thing for his daughter and you’re being entirely unreasonable for telling him you will divorce him if he doesn’t put your DD above his. That’s not helpful.

Your daughter is an adult I assume. She is going to the venue to be married of her own free will, not to be given by one bloke to another. It's very normal these days for a bride to walk herself up the aisle and not be "given away". If she feels she would like a companion to assuage her nerves she can walk with you or her head bridesmaid. It doesn't need to be a man! And no one needs to "give" her.

His own daughter sounds tricky but we don't know what is behind that. She might be difficult or she might be genuinely hurt and upset.

you are understandably emotional @WickedMotherofthebride

Your husband loves his daughter, as much, as you love yours.

Many previous posters have highlighted the fact that his daughter didn't have the benefit of his lived-in presence throughout her life. That must have an impact.

You have had a knee jerk reaction, whilst understandable, emotionally, does not warrant you threatening divorce.

Your family dynamic is such that your daughter lost her Dad at 15, your step-daughter still has her Dad.

I suspect that if your step-daughter had already married, there would be no issue.

Personally, it would be far more powerful for you to walk your daughter down the aisle as her only surviving biological parent.

What does your daughter think?

Last thought, please look at the post from @Dracarys1 Today 14:51.

Dry your tears, don't blame your husband, you have better options tbf, it will be a beautiful day, don't spoil it for your girl.

You have told us that you and your DD had no ongoing relationship with her father, and that your DH had nothing to do with the fact that you weren’t together with your DD’s father.

What your OP says nothing about is your DH’s relationship with his DD, how his first marriage broke down, whether you were involved and what his DD thinks of you/your DD. What is the backstory behind his DD’s unwillingness to have your DH give away your DD? That is the context that would make her reaction unreasonable or not.

IDipYouDipWeDip · Today 15:05 totally agree.

How old is your daughter and step daughter?

Firstly, it’s awful that you are making him choose your DD over is own.

You are meant to be supporting him, not acting as petty as his DD.

Secondly, he is not your DDs biological dad, not matter how much you wish he was or whether her own dad is alive or dead.

We cannot give an unbiased opinion without knowing the back story.

Has he been consistently in his own DDs life and has always had a good relationship with her?

Why did her mum speak to him, instead of his own DD?

Do DD and SDD get on well?
I would assume so if SDD has lived in your home for a large proportion of her life.

Part of me thinks his DD is being petty but I can also see why she’d be quite put out with her dad walking someone, who he’s not even related to, down the aisle.

He needs to just speak to them both and then get them to speak to each other about it.

Yes. OP should not be giving ultimatums if she has (it’s unclear if she has) - I’m not saying OP shouldn’t divorce DH but I am saying OP should not make ultimatums either.

DH needs to grow a spine and not be pushed around. If DH stood his ground he would find out if his DD was worth even knowing - people who give ultimatums and stick to them when they don’t get to bully their way aren’t worth knowing anyway.

Ouch, what a mess. I can see why it would be a shock to find your DH communicating with his behaviour that he is not, in fact, to all intents and purposes DDs dad. And it might take a while to work through all that, but meantime I'd echo other posters in saying why don't you walk her down the aisle?

Apologies, i was rather confused!
However, i see the bio daughters point and that of DH wh is now in an invidious position, particularly with OP threatening divorce.

I think his dd is being unfair but he feels he has to choose, and that being the case he's chose his biological dd as he should. Surely you could walk her down the aisle, that's what one of my dds says she wants to happen when she gets married.
I think if his dd had got married first it might not have been such a big deal.

I don’t have step siblings either, but I’ve seen this. For all that ‘accept them as your own’ is touted as the ideal, there can be negative consequences of that for the stepparent’s actually children, who suddenly are expected to accept that the child/ren of their father’s new partner/wife has/have become equal to them in his eyes. They’re not longer special to him by virtue of being his, any random child (that they may not like at all) can mean just as much to him depending on whether he’s in a relationship with their mother.

Why don’t you give her away? If your daughter has any sympathy and rationality about her she will understand that it’s not his choice.

I don’t understand why this is so dramatic, upsetting perhaps but marriage ending, not at all.

Gen Z … wanting everything to be a “first” “special” most importantly “Instagramable”

My Sister walked with me down the aisle , it was lovely

I walked my daughter down the aisle,her father is dead.I did not “give her away!”,that is outdated and ridiculous.

Stop making ultimatums you will live to regret.You all need to grow up.

So the OPs answer to her step-daughter issuing an ultimatum to DH is to issue her own to him as well? Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Not sure that this is the hill I would want to die on given that we're talking about preserving a patriarchal, misogynistic tradition. There has to be a better alternative as many other posters have suggested.