Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

I don't think it's fair to flame the OP for threatening divorce. Her initial instinct to choose her DD over her DH when he's chosen his DD over his SD is understandable to me and comes from a place of being all her DD has (especially now DH and SDD have made these choices).

I also think you need to think this through OP. His gut reaction is much the same as yours - my child will always come first. More context needed on SDD who sounds like an entitled little bitch.

It can actually in blended families.

Especially for men, who usually live more with their SC than their BC.

You can cry all you want but the fact that you didn't even consider this may be an issue shows you probably aren't particularly tuned into the dynamics at play in the family unit.

If you were, he wouldn't have even been an option and if she wanted to have anyone give her away it would be you.

One of the biggest issues in blended families is lack of anything that remains just between the bio parents & their respective bk. Somethings should be kept just for them. The reality step siblings very rarely have anywhere near the familiar bond that bk do and there is so much that can cause resentment.

Personally I wouldn't have agreed to do it as a SP with my own kids.

I was, I´m not a parcel either, go figure.

So you track your husband then decide to divorce him if he doesn't want to walk his biological daughter down the aisle?
And your daughter, his step-daughter, would be 'devastated' ( you really need to look up the definition of devastated) if he chose to spend a few hours celebrating his biological daughter's nuptuals?
If I were your DH , I would be running for the hills. Both you are your daughter sound horribly self-centred and selfish. Your daughter should be grateful she is not in the situation your DHs daughter is

Well why would you try to see it from her point of view? It’s a ridiculous and immature point of view. She is a fully grown adult. Lots of us have had shit stuff happen to us and don’t act like brats. It’s not exactly the fault of OP’s DD that she has a good relationship with her stepdad. He sounds like a good man.
Anyone who makes threats and issues ultimatums like this is not a good person. Be upset or whatever but don’t tell your dad that you won’t speak to him again.

This is an offensive term.

It's not fair to start calling the SD a bitch without knowing her side.

You are being a hypocrite saying don't judge the OP but resorting to calling the SD names.

I had similar, my stepfather raised me from age 9. I had an older stepsister (stepfather's biological daughter). My dad was not in the picture. To me, my stepfather was my dad. However, I felt it might make him feel awkward, and might cause friction with my stepsister (rightly or wrongly) giving me away, and it felt right that the only person who truly had the right to 'give me away' was my mum. So she did and it was very emotional and just felt right. I think your stepdaughter is being ridiculous and I feel sad for your husband that he has been placed in this position by her, but I also understand that it can be emotionally complicated where blended families are involved. Could you give your daughter away instead?

You’ve completely missed out of your op the - why? - which is surely pertinent?

You should walk her down the aisle. You have been her constant.

Its shit the ultimatum your SD has put on him, but I think you should walk her down the aisle.

Your OP is confusing.

What age was your step daughter when you and your H got married? How much of the time was she with her father at your shared home? What were/are your and your DD’s relationships with her?

You’re as bad as the stepdaughter by issuing an ultimatum of your own, forcing him to choose between his marriage and his relationship with his daughter.

This man stepped up to help raise your fatherless daughter, and now when he’s scared about permanently losing his biological daughter, his flesh and blood, you’re threatening him with divorce? How manipulative.

But when childhood hurt is rekindled, it often leads to childish reactions. You regress back to that hurt, neglected 9 year old for example and react accordingly.

Childhood trauma is complex. Saying that SD is an adult now and should know better is ueless.

How much parenting did he do of his bio daughter while he was parenting his stepdaughter? How much time did his bio daughter spend with him in the home he shared with you? Are they at all close?

The tracking your husband while he was speaking with his ex is controlling and weird. It sounds like you don't trust him.

There's not enough info to be a Team Anybody here. It kind of sounds like the families didn't blend, but got mangled and it just keeps on mangling.

Have you got it the wrong way round?

his biological daughter is not getting married. Long term partner and no plans.

his step daughter, o/p’s daughter, is getting married and the plan is for him to walk her down the aisle.

his biological daughter has now issued an ultimatum that if he walks his stepdaughter down the aisle she’ll will not speak to him again and it’s the end of their relationship.

so obviously now dad wants to back out of walking step dc down the aisle and this is what o/p is upset about.

You don’t know if she’s traumatised. She could just be a spoilt bitch - there’s plenty of them about.

You’re just as bad as her by threatening divorce.

I mean this gently, but he isn’t her dad. He may well have brought her up, he may love her very much and vice versa, but his biological daughter is hurting and she wants that first with her dad. Whether she’s right or wrong is up for debate, but I can understand where she’s coming from.

It may seem ridiculous , but blended families are difficult to navigate and relationships are complex.
Instead of the Op going full throttle and threatening to divorce her dh, she should probably try and find out exactly why her stepdaughter has an issue with this .
It could be that some sort of compromise could be reached .
Op, sobbing uncontrollably is not likely to help matters

She is being completely unreasonable, but honestly I think there is a silver lining in this. It's the 21st century, and she shouldn't be being given away by a man.
It should either be you, or both of you, who give her away. Take this opportunity!

He’s not chosen his DD over his SD - that would be a fair summation if their weddings were on the same day and he had to choose which to walk down the aisle, but that’s not the decision on the table here. It’s not two equivalent options.

The choice is walking his stepdaughter down the aisle vs never seeing his
daughter again.

Of course he’s not willing to do the former when it could lead to the latter.

Is your stepdaughter invited to the wedding?

My dd has asked us both to walk her down the aisle.

I feel for both the young women here. It's going to be disappointing for your DD if the man she considers her dad can't give her away. OTOH I can completely understand his biological daughter wanting to be the first person he does this for. It must be very hard for her to see her dad so close to another young woman, I'd be very jealous in her position.

I think your DH is right to respect his daughter's wishes. His own child should always come first when possible. Just as your daughter comes first for you.

You are the only person being unreasonable here - threatening to divorce him for prioritising his child. That's crazy. By all accounts he's been a wonderful father and stepdad and you would divorce him over this? I can understand brides and potential bridezillas getting bent out of shape but for the MOB to get worked up over it is out of all proportion.

Walk her down the aisle yourself or have no one walk her down the aisle and no one give her away. She could do the American thing where the bridal party precdes her and she enters on her own. She will still have the special morning at home getting ready with him there and the photos and intimate informal moments without upsetting her stepsister.

You can set the tone for this. If you continue to present this as a great big deal it's going to make it horrible for your daughter and your husband.

I walked myself down he aisle, it was liberating & more honestly reflected who I am. I'd highly recommend.

When you think about it, it's about time everyone did it, the whole being given away thing is really outdated.

There's obviously more to this though. I suspect that you have insisted & prioritized the relationship between your daughter & your husband and have trampled over the feelings of your step daughter. Perhaps it's time to put their feelings above yours and your daughters, at least you'll have some insight into how she has been feeling.

She wants to feel special for her father, and have that experience with him, as his only daughter, it would be hurtful to her for her father to demonstrate that he considers his stepdaughter equal to her in his eyes. I imagine there’s quite the backstory here, where his daughter has felt insecure when it comes to his love for her. She’s watched him raise another child, not his own, full time, and her feelings around this are clearly not pleasant ones. That’s the thing - emotions are messy, it’s not an ideal world, and people very often don’t feel what others think they ‘should’.

I don’t think it’s in any way unusual for a child, adult or not, to want to feel uniquely special in the eyes of their parent.

It’s easy to say she’s a brat and he shouldn’t give in to her ultimatum, but that’s assuming she’ll get over it and come around. What if this actually does cost him his relationship with her? Then his wife and stepdaughter become the reason for him losing his own child/ten, which will hardly do wonders for his relationship with either.